I wanna be Nicole Scherzinger.

Have you seen the video for Wet? Oh mate. She's hot. She's got a kick-ass dancer's body and I want it so much it hurts. Which is unfair as I dance all the time too but no one would ever believe I'm a dancer at the sight of me! The only clue is muscles at the back of your thighs, which I'm relieved to have, but a flabby waist? No way jose.

This week has been baaad. You know at Christmas, you just eat loads because there's food everywhere? We seem to be in some sort of birthday peak-period, and at work we've been having cakes galore (that isn't even including my birthday.) Plus it's my birthday weekend, so I'm going out and getting hammered tonight, and Mum's planning some sort of special meal tomorrow. FOOD EVERYWHERE. I wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't lost this week, but I'm praying I will have anyway.

Still haven't got round to any choreography. I need to kick myself up the arse right now.

I turn 20 in two days, and I'm so ready for a fresh start. New resolutions! This feels like a big one, as well, as I'm entering a brand new decade of my life. It's not technically a milestone age, but it still feels like a big one. Goodbye teenage years... hello adulthood!

Q x

Weigh day no. 2

Well, yesterday.

Drum roll please...



9 stone 5!



Dammit.



Well, at least I haven't gained. And I took it so easy last week. The harder I work, the more I'll lose in a week. I'm not worried!



Still, I really hope I DO hit this target, as I'm absolutely dying to cut all my hair off - it gets so frizzy and unmanageable so easily! Very frustrating - I just want it all gone. I think even if my hairdresser botches it up and I end up with a super super short pixie cut, I wouldn't even mind that much as it'd still be such a relief to have it all gone. Er, touch wood.



So Pineapple yesterday was amazing - they keep the dance studios fairly warm intentionally, I think, so your muscles stay warm - either that or they simply don't have air con and as there's no windows, there's no way it can cool down between classes - but it basically means you SWEAT to death while you're dancing. My friend (who I went with) reckons you could literally sweat away obesity. I'm not sure I believe him, but it'd be fantastic if that actually helped me lose weight...



Something weird has happened to my thigh, though. After the Thighs, Bums and Tums class, my legs were very sore, as I told you all in a previous post, but yesterday the exercise helped them feel a bit better. However, after my second dance class, I came out and my thighs were bright red and very hot to touch. It looked like they'd been sunburnt. The heat and redness went away, but today I've woken up to purplish spots all over the areas. Typically I consulted Google first, leading me to believe I've got all sorts of diseases, but I wasn't very inclined to take it too seriously. One, it said this sort of thing happens when you don't exercise enough (yeah, that's gotta be it, eh.) and two, it said it could be a result of poor circulation, and I know I don't have poor circulation, or my feet wouldn't be so uncomfortably hot all the time. So I consulted my father, the next available source for advice (I'd normally go to my mum first as she's a nurse, but she's at work) and he reckons I've broken some blood vessels in the skin and it'll heal up soon enough. Whew. That's all I needed to know, really, that these spots won't stick around forever, as they're not very sightly. Ah yes, vanity prevails!



I'm with you all about Internet Explorer. It seems so slow and laborious compared to Firefox. Truth be told, I'm only using it as I'm trying to be super clever - as I'm so secretive about this blog, whenever I go on it on Firefox I clear it on my history, but if I go on it on IE it doesn't show up on my Firefox internet history, so I don't have to suspiciously clear my whole history but can still allow family members on the laptop. Clever, eh! I'm going to give up on the plan, though, as I cannot for the life of me get rid of these massive gaps between paragraphs.



Over and out!



Q x

Aching like a bitch

So, Thighs, Bums and Tums nearly killed me. Which is good, but today I am in PAIN. My quads, abs and glutes (haha, thighs, bum and tum) are hurting so much I can barely walk. I'm gonna stretch all day then pray that I won't be in pain tomorrow, or Pineapple's gonna be a bit trickier than I'd like. Luckily my ligaments and calf muscles feel fine, so my flexibility won't be obstructed.

Didn't go for a morning jog this morning due to the aches and a much-needed lie-in, but I'm hoping that won't have too much of an impact on my weight tomorrow. It's the standard Sunday Roast today, but I won't eat after that and then fingers crossed... god, just one pound would be fantastic. Please let me have this.

Still can't decide about the birthday. Such petty troubles, I know, but the pressure's on as it gets closer.

That's pretty much it, then! Short one today. I'm writing this on Internet Explorer instead of Firefox and I've forgotten how frustrating it is - does anyone else get their format all buggered up as soon as they add a picture? I have to click the edit button about 3 times to sort it out. But anyway. Signing out,

Q x

Birthday dilemmas

So I take what I said back about my job - yesterday I was literally sweating I was running around the place so much. I passed one of my colleagues and she jokingly said 'you do seem to be up and down - that's better than the gym!' Oh man, I hope that has some grain of truth in it - obviously not that it's better than the gym, but just might have some small contribution to my exercise. Which has been slacking.

No 7am jog for me today, as myself and the sister are going to 2 exercise classes - one of those Thighs, Bums and Tums ones, and then a street dance workout afterwards. I quite need the street dance one as choreography for the next semester of teaching is going horribly. As in, I have choreographer's block. And I'd like some sort of inspiration. I'm also going to Pineapple Dance Studios in London on Monday with a couple of friends, and I'm making sure we do some sort of street or commerical street class whilst we're there, as Pineapple classes are always really awesome. I haven't properly danced for so long, and last time I was at Pineapple, the warm-ups plus the pressure of being surrounded by incredible dancers made me really push myself; I think at the time I reached the peak of my dancing ability. I suppose it helps that I always have to stand at the front of a dance class (I'm claustrophobic when I dance!) and in a class with semi-pros, come on, I had to put out properly.

So Monday should be great.

Not sure what to expect with weigh-day, but I'd be happy just to see one pound gone. I'm hoping I can burn quite a lot of calories with this morning's classes. Haven't got round to buying any green tea yet, but I'm thinking I'll start it when I go on my mega shopping trip by myself after payday. With money! And for once I can forget I am a poor student and simply pretend I am normal and can afford to shop in normal places. Hopefully the birthday will bring a little bit of money, too.

Sigh. Speaking of the birthday, it's stressing me out. It's in 9 days, and I sort of wish it wasn't happening. I have no idea what to do for it - a) because I'm poor, and b) it's difficult to know who to invite. At home, I have a lot of close friends, but they're all from separate groups and it's hard to do something where I can involve all of them without it being massively awkward. I want my birthday to have SOME sort of climax, you know? Like a big night out. But it's so much harder back here than it is at uni. I know the easiest thing is 'well, just don't do anything for it' but that seems so lame. Like I said, it'd all be easier if it just wasn't happening.

What a depressing thing to say about one's 20th birthday! Ho hum.

B's insisting on taking me out to dinner for it. I'm hesitant. One, because she wants to take me to an awful restaurant that she thinks is good, and two, because I'm starting to wonder how much I like being around B these days. Even without her diet boasting, I'm starting to suspect we're drifting apart. I'm going to try and keep being around her on the minimum right now, as I don't want our friendship to crumble completely, but I know it will if we spend too much time together and I end up snapping at her out of irritation. I have a friend I only see once every few months, and we always have the most amazing time together because it's such a treat to see each other. I hope my friendship with B will blossom into something like that.

Doesn't it seem sort of... coupley for one person to take you out for dinner for your birthday? It's no secret that B's bisexual, and whilst I know for a fact that she has no feelings for me (any more) I'd prefer to split the bill or something. It'd feel more like friends going out to dinner then, and not so much me being courted.

Still dreaming of when I can run away on my own post-uni. Preferably to somewhere like New York. I watched a tv show about interns at Elle magazine and half of the magazine staff (including the Editor) were British, so that gives me hope! I've always heard it's incredibly difficult if not impossible to find work like that in the States when you have to do visa rubbish, but then again, Anna Wintour's British too. I think my dream life would be working my way up to a Features Director or Associate Editor or something like that in New York, and then coming home to London and being the Editor of a magazine. I'm going to work my arse off to make sure something like that happens, I swear.

Anyway, enough! I must go and prep myself for Thighs, Bums and Tums.

Ta-ra!

Q x

Weigh day

Ok Ricky, show me what you got.

9 stone 5. Ok, not good, but not bad! So that means I've got 12 lbs to burn in 19 weeks. Still do-able. I can handle this.

Had another embarrassing 7am jog. I had this drum'n'bass music blaring and it was building up for a crescendo and I was ready to sprint and I said to myself 'imagine you're being chased' and the song got loud and hardcore and I WAS GOING FOR IT I WAS RUNNING FOR MY LIFE and then a minute later I was almost dead with exhaustion. I hope I never do have to genuinely run for my life, as things won't be looking good. But never mind. I'll keep working at it.

Annoyingly I have work every other morning until Saturday, and I hate jogging in the afternoon. So I'll have to hit the workout DVDs until then, and just have a long weekend of jogging whenever I can do it. Which is frustrating as I want to build up my jogging stamina. Unless I get up even earlier and go jogging at 6?? Hmm... I'll have to think about that one.

Food today hasn't been great, I was trying to eat small but mid-afternoon I ended up eating a packet of crisps. But at the moment I'm just concentrating on not eating anything after dinner, which we have pretty early, so it's basically not eating after 6pm. Baby steps.

I've planned out how I'm going to eat when I'm at uni: I'm thinking a decent bowl of cereal in the morning (with skimmed milk, naturally), a cup of green tea mid-morning (might have to take it to uni in a flask, or drink it cold), some sort of healthy lunch (cold for when I have to pack it and take it in to uni, like a salad or cold pasta, and hot when I can eat it at home, like home-made soup or grilled fish with veg), a coffee mid-afternoon, and then just a yoghurt and a cup of green tea in the evening. Lunch will be my main meal of the day. If my housemates question why I don't eat a proper meal in the evening, I'll just say my digestive system plays up if I eat a heavy meal too late in the day, and this is something that's been getting worse over summer. They shouldn't question it - to be honest, my digestive system messes me around enough. If a social situation desperately requires it I will eat in the evening, but if not I genuinely think a yoghurt will sustain me. I find them very filling. I'll try to put chilli sauce or powder on my lunch, and I'll snack on chillies before I exercise and sort of regularly throughout the day. Come on, metabolism!

And every time I've got a morning spare, a morning jog. I might get up even earlier once I'm at uni, as I live in a very urban area and there's a big risk of running into people I know on their way to lectures and lots of cars being everywhere. Ah well, at least M's into super-early-morning jogging too.

I'm so ready to do this. I can't wait! Bring on the 19th December! The end of my 19-week challenge, when I hope to have lost 12 lbs. I'll try and bring some of this stuff into my diet already, like drinking green tea and planning lunches that are nourishing which I'll be able to take into uni with me. And then a fast day every first Sunday of the month. This'll be ace, and with any luck I'll be saving money too if I won't be eating much.

Fingers crossed,

Q x

Progress...

I was depressed by the idea of setting my alarm for 7am for a jog, so turned it off, but to my delight I woke up naturally at 7 anyway, so went for a jog by myself. My sister always wants to go jogging at about 10am, but I absolutely hate jogging at that time. Jogging in the morning is so peaceful; as it was a Sunday today, there weren't even any cars around. Of course, I was still rubbish. It's kind of annoying - I can jog for half an hour on a treadmill but 10 minutes in the outdoors absolutely kills me? I guess it's the wind resistance and the hilly areas around my home. I don't feel like I'm working out properly, either - my legs feel fine and I'm not sweating, but my heart is pounding so hard I feel like throwing up in my mouth. I'm going to have to fight against nature and get through that, and things should improve.

Food today hasn't been brilliant because of the weekly Sunday roast, but at least it was fairly early: 4 o' clock, and I don't plan on eating anything else today (it's now 6). Should leave me nice and empty for weigh day tomorrow morning. Erk. I'm not sure whether to weigh myself after the jog or before, not that it'd make much difference. Either way, I've got my fingers crossed. Tomorrow begins the 19-week challenge, and I'm so ready for that right now.

I've been toying with making some sort of attempt at the Dukan diet - I can't be bothered to pay for it properly, but I might look at some of the tips. The French love it (and they're skinny as hell) and K-Middy supposedly used it to get small before the big day, and we all know how hot she looked at Westminster. The only problem is, the verdict is that you just put the weight back on as soon as you stop, and I want something to lift off me permanently! Hmm. I can incorporate some of it, but I'll need to find something that works that is manageable for me every day - I'm talking for months or years.

Maybe this will be good old-fashioned trial and error. Well, it's been pretty much error for the last year, but quitters don't win!

Q x

Rev the metabolism

Foods that boost metabolism which I will now be incorporating into my diet as often as I can:

- Oily fish - this is a tricky one. I don't really know how to cook fish, but I'm fortunate enough to live very close to a fishmonger, so I can ask for tips. My mum cooks sardines a lot, but she pulls their heads off and guts them with her bare hands in the sink, and I don't know if I'm ready for that!
- Chillies. Easy - I'll add chilli powder/sauce to my food, and snack on them from a jar when I find the time. Maybe before exercising. Luckily I'm good with spicy food. Supposedly they can help you burn up to 1000 extra calories a day!
- Oranges, or other fruit ridden with tons of Vitamin C. Could help burn 100 extra cals a day. I won't do this every day, though, as the acidicity won't be great for my teeth.
- Coffee - 1 cup a day is best. Hooray!
- Green tea - supposedly 2 cups a day helps rev up the metabolism. I might have to force myself to drink this one, but I did that with coffee and in the long run it worked!

I'm starting a different blog, a blog I can sign my name to, as I'm conscious that going into a writing career without a blog to speak of (ahem) is risky. It's all about creating Brand Q, as my dad's always on about. Future employers will be impressed. I wish I could post the blog here, but I'm so paranoid of identity crossovers. Even though I doubt any of you on this blog would know who I am in real life, it's a risk I'd rather not take. But don't worry - I won't be giving up this one! You lucky readers, you...

Signing off,

Q x

New target date

It seems everyone's in a bit of a blogging slump at the moment. The last update on my news feed was from a week ago! I guess in summertime, it's hard not to be out enjoying ourselves. Understandable stuff, really.

Life's got crazier than ever and I'm back to work - though a different kind of work, a work that involves sitting down in an office most of the time, so I'm not as positive about this as the other. I do a bit of running around, but not much, and I'm feeling fatter than ever at the moment. I need to up the exercise in my spare time - back to the workout DVDs, I think! They're the only things that I'm always motivated to do.

A lot of my friends have been cutting all their hair off recently, and I'm absolutely desperate to do mine. I'm so constantly keen to change my hairstyle, it's getting ridiculous! The dream is to have a mega-mega-short pixie crop, but annoyingly, I know I don't have the face to pull that off. My face is a tad too round, my features not elfin enough. So I'm thinking of getting Carey Mulligan's grown-out crop:

It's still short, but because it's textured it'll allow me to get a bit of volume to balance out my massive face. However! There's a catch. I'm only allowed to get this done in the Christmas holidays and ONLY if I'm 8 and a half stone or less. It's partly to act as motivation for weight loss, partly because I think the hairstyle would work better if my cheeks were a little less puffy. So it's game on from here. I don't know what I weigh at this moment in time, but it could be looking like I have about 11lbs to lose in 4 months. Doable? Hell yeah! With commitment.

I read an interview with Emma Watson today (I hate her on-screen but adore her off-screen) and when asked how she stays so small, she said she's lucky enough to find junk food repulsive. I want to try and make that a part of my life: junk food = yuck. I've already gone off pizza, so that's a start, and my friends already know I'm not the biggest fan of chips, so it should be easy to persuade them I've gone off greasy burgers and chicken wings. I'll eat healthy, fresh food, and ONLY when hungry, and with all that effort, I honestly reckon that target weight will become achievable. In tune with the Monday-weighing (which I will reinstate), I've set my target date for the 19th December. That's 19 weeks on Monday, so I could lose less than a pound a week and still make it. I dropped 18 lbs in a matter of months last year. I can do that again. Bring it on!

Q x

I got 99 followers but a bitch ain't one

D'you get it?

It's because you're all AWESOME. No bitches here. I need to stop using that song for puns in this blog.

The soeur and I have taken up morning-jogging. Turns out all it took was a bit of fellow motivation to get cracking on that. I haven't exercised properly in a while, and neither has she - so we suck. I ran for about 6 minutes then got knackered. Plus a lot of area round here is uphill, and running uphill hurts so much we nearly DIED. How tragic and unfit.

Still, it's nice to have some exercise motivation. I've decided to buck up my ideas and give myself a fresh kick come August. And then I'll turn 20! And it'll be like 20-resolutions. What were my 19-resolutions? I'm going back to my first post to have a look...

'Q is 19 years old. Just turned, actually. 19 is a strong year for her. 19 is the year she's going to get a boyfriend after years of single life' - err, fail.
'to lose her virginity properly (I don't think the last time really counts)' - double fail.
'You know those girls who everyone wants to be? ... They've got a great figure, a great dress sense, a great boyfriend, they're LOVELY, they're achingly perfect in every way... 19 is the year I'm going to become one of those girls.' - another fail. Though to be fair I don't know about that one - some people might think of me like that. One of my dance girls told me she's always thought I was really cool. Which is nice. I do try to be 'lovely'. And I have got a good dress sense (if I do say so myself.) Though obv no boyfriend... or great figure.

Mind you, 19 has been a year my confidence has soared to the top. And because of that, I'm seizing all sorts of opportunities and getting all sorts of career excitement. And I DO feel pretty. I'm in that phase at the moment. A friend of mine - who is one of THOSE GIRLS, who you want to be - told me that when she met me, she thought I was really pretty. Well, her actual words were 'I thought you were really pretty but a bit grumpy!' It was during a ballet class, so I must have been in HARDCORE SERIOUS DANCE mode. And she's so gorgeous herself! It's nice to hear that from her. And L, future housemate, said her boyfriend Facebook-stalked me and thought I was very pretty. When you get told it a lot, you start to think it might be true. Hmm.

It's depressing that after a year, I'm only 2 lbs lighter than I started thanks to all the yo-yoing, but it's still been a fun journey. And I'm physically fitter (when I'm on form - er, the jogging doesn't count) because of my efforts to try to get skinnier. So it's not all bad. But there's still a lot of fat on me. My body might think it's at a healthy weight (hence why it's not budging), but it's not.

I've forgotten about the weekly-weighing-losing-2-lbs thing, I need to get back on that.

I read an article with Tracy Anderson the other day - my god, all I hear about are celebrities raving about how awesome she is, and how she always says 'I can take any woman with any body type and make her look like a teeny tiny dancer'. I wish I could afford this woman! I might buy her workout DVDs and see what they're like. I read reviews online and it said you need quite a lot of space in your house, which I might not necessarily have at uni, but worth a shot. When I get paid, I'll give it a whack.

I think I'm gonna watch a film now. Love love,

Q x

Seriously?

So B's on a MEGA diet, eating like, 500 calories a day max. And for some weird reason, it pisses. me. off.

Restricting is MY thing. Does that sound stupid?? It does. But I don't care. I've always felt like I had the slight edge over her because I was capable of restricting, when a lot of people aren't. Obviously we, here, all are, because we've got that drive. But now she's just come into it. Ugh.

And she's BRAGGING about it. The whole point is you DON'T TELL ANYONE. Hence the extreme anonymity on this blog! How she can do it at home in front of her parents is beyond me. And she's going on about the fact she's losing a pound a day. I'm sorry, but doesn't losing a pound of fat require burning 3500 calories? Is she really working out that much? Weight fluctuates all the time. You should weigh yourself once a week, minimum, to get an accurate reading. She's being blissfully oblivious and acting like she's better than me because she's doing this hardcore dieting.

ANGRY BITTER ANGRY BLAARGH.

She doesn't look any thinner. She still has bad hair. And bad dress sense.

We went to the cinema, and you know when you're dieting, you look at people stuffing their faces and you think, ew? Well, this had an opposite effect on me. I was determined to stuff my face in front of her. While she snacked on strawberries I bought mini chocolate biscuits, and ate them happily. It's like I was trying to say... look at me, stuffing my face, and I'm still skinnier than you, I still have good dress sense and nice hair and all that. I haven't put on any weight.

I don't want to be around her now. Her dieting DOES make me feel a bit guilty. Plus... it's just boring to have a social time with someone who's just bragging about restricting. Be secretive about it, fair enough. But don't rub it in my face.

OMG people dieting turns me into a HORRIBLE person. But I think you all know this.

It's not even that, really. I don't mind when my friends diet - I support them. I've always felt competitive with B, but I've still supported her dieting (generally). But now she's restricting? And happily chatting about her yoghurt for breakfast and her plain salad for dinner? How can you boast about that?

Blaaaaaaaargh.

I think I've written this exact post before. I'm repeating myself.

I'll shut up now.

I'm 3 followers away from 100, and that's pretty exciting. I still remember the little thrill I got when I saw 1 person was following my blog! I still love the idea of people reading my words and thinking I'm funny, or whatever, or interesting, or basically worth following for whatever reason. Plus, this is probably the nicest community of people I've ever encountered. People have such stigma around girls who support each other to get skinny, but it's probably the nicest group of people online.

Peace out. Sorry for the rant.

Q x

Generic title

I've been taking things easy at the moment, and I'm enjoying it. I've only been making the teensiest changes to my diet, like taking no sugar in my coffee and skipping on snacks. And of course, only eating when I'm genuinely hungry. I'm looking forward to when this bloody rain will go away and I can exercise outside!

My mum's got this new obsession with hula hooping. Supposedly doing 10 minutes of it burns as many calories as 10 minutes of jogging or something? She's got this absolutely giant hoop and just stands in the garden doing it. I wish I knew how to hula hoop! Maybe I should learn. Granted you look stupid as hell, but it also looks quite fun!

There's a bit of a gloom over the family at the moment as my aunty's getting seriously ill. My family are pretty hardcore, generally - on both sides, they don't seem to get killed by only ONE illness - take my gran for example, who lived to the grand old age of 97, and somehow managed to get over pneumonia in her 90s, and this aunty has been through cancer and arthritis and lung infections and all sorts, not to mention being disabled, but I think she's starting to feel like she's reaching the end of her tether. Then my uncle's getting all depressed because he's bascially her full time carer and he's not exactly young and he's finding it hard to cope. It's been seriously weighing on my mum's mind, I can tell, but I never really know what to say.

Mind you, I hope this surviving-deadly-illness thing is genetic. If I inherit all the good stuff from both sides of my family, I'll practically live to 100 after beating all sorts of crazy illnesses and I'll look like I'm 40. Can you imagine...

Crazy days!

In other news, I'm getting a break from all the on-my-feet work which is nice, though it's hardcore journalism stuff at the moment. And then I've got to start prepping for my August exam, ugh. Can't wait.

Craving a kitkat. Can't explain why.

Q x

Ok, not bad

<< This here is Jade Ewen, and although she's kind of a flop with the Sugababes (where've they gone?) she's amazingly skinny and pretty. But pressing on...

Hey Ricky!

9 stone 4. Much better than I was expecting! Wonderfully average. Whew! So I'm setting myself 2 pounds to lose this week. Next Monday morning, I shall be 9 stone 2. I'm taking it all veeery slowly. Today my mission is simply to only eat when I am hungry. I'll build up on it each day.

It's been raining a lot, which is depressing as I'm at the point where I want to re-start jogging. I figure I'll need it next year without the gym, and I want to build up good jogging stamina while I can. It's a shame I can't afford the gym, but this will be fun and free. Admittedly, I live in a much nicer area to jog at home than I do at uni, which is a very urban area, but I can investigate. M likes jogging too in the early morning so I might get her on board to find some good jogging areas.

Today was a bit of a fail at the dieting. It was going well - I had a moderate breakfast, and planned to have an apple for lunch, until I got to this training thing at work and they insisted I take a 20-minute break for lunch. I wasn't even hungry. Anyway, in the end they flipping escorted me to the shop and I caved and bought a bar of Cadbury's Bournville. I figured because it's dark chocolate it might make me feel sick and thus not want to eat for ages! Didn't really work, as I ate 2 slices of toast when I got home, but I feel sick now thinking of it. Gahh. At least dinner was small and relatively healthy - my mum's stir-fry veg with noodles. Still, I broke my own rule.

Never mind! There's always tomorrow - and tomorrow we're going shopping, so hello, pressure to look good in clothes.

If this works, and I lose 2 lbs in a week, the next week I can set myself at 9 stone. That'd be my lowest weight in AGES. Lowest weight since I started the blog, for sure. And past that... I can't even bear to think of it, I want it so much. Very soon I turn 20, and it'd be wonderful to welcome it in at a low weight. Sets the year off to a good start.

Come on, Q! You can do it!

Q x

Pretty girls

Facebook stalking this girl. She's so beautiful and so thin. She looks frail and delicate. And gorgeous.

SIGH. Just looking at her makes me never want to eat again. Maybe I should look at her whenever I want to binge! I wish I could post a picture of her, but it might look weird if she was to ever stumble across this blog.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't exercise at all. So does she just eat nothing?? Confusing. Her hair is so long and dark and gorgeous. Sighhhh. It doesn't help that she's full on getting love interest from this guy who is HOT. Skinny girls will aaalways get the most love. Depressing, and often denied, but TRUE AS ANYTHING.

If I had whiter teeth and was thinner, I'd be happy! And if I had smaller boobs.

I've been thinking about my diet next year, and how to alter it now I am POOR. Red meat is expensive, right? Maybe I should just give up on red meat (well, not completely, I don't think I could SURVIVE without beef) - eat it once a week or something? I dunno. I need to teach my body to adjust to only one meal a day, too. I'm thinking of making some kind of ordinary meal in the evening, put it in the fridge and eat it and splitting it off for the next day - eating a bit at 11am, maybe about 3pm and then having something like a yoghurt in the morning. Not only saving money, but cutting down my calories too! If I can't afford a gym membership any more, I have to make my calories count. Alcohol shouldn't be as much as a problem any more, as I certainly can't afford it - nor do I have the time to go out drinking as frequently as I've been doing.

I'm stalking her wearing a blue dress now. The dress isn't tight, but you can see her hip bones through it. My god!

THE DREAM

I'm gonna do something tomorrow morning. Something that I will probably regret. I'm going to say hello to Ricky. And whatever weight I am at, I am going to have lost at least 2 lbs by the following week. Goal - 5. Yes. Small and gradual goals... the way forward!

Q x

Yowch

My legs and feet are KILLING me. I curse the foody job, but I probably do burn a lot of calories standing up and running around and pushing trolleys for 7 or 8 straight hours. My calf muscles are in so much pain. I obviously haven't used them in a while. Oh dear! I'll be doing this all week, too. I got my mum to give me a foot massage when I got home and it was BLISS. God dammit, I need a boyfriend, if only for reasons like giving me foot massages.

As for food... well, I picked at bits at work, which always makes it seem like you haven't eaten much when really it's been LOADS. Calories add up. Deary me. Today was a boring day, which I put down to eating more. Hopefully for the rest of the week I'll be rushed with jobs to do and won't have time to poke at the food.

Loads of my friends graduated today, which is pretty weird. This time next year, it'll be me! Mind, it'll be a relief to be out of uni. I can't wait to actually start properly earning and having a real life!

Dirty Sexy Things is on tonight, woohoo... in less than an hour! I need to hit the TV set. Tonight they're in Paris, probably doing more shoots and getting drunk and all that jazz. Ah, to be a model! I loved it in Bruno where he was asking a model how tough her job was and she was all, 'oh yeah, it's so tough,' and he was going 'yeah, it must be so hard to step on to the catwalk and have to put your right foot forward, then your left foot in front of that, then your right foot again.' And she was just going 'yeah, yeah, so hard,' just not getting it at all. Haha, oh the japes.

True, though, right? It must be so weird for your career to be based on how you can walk. I think it's even funnier watching guys walk on catwalks, as they don't even have the added burden of heels.

Speaking of all that, a friend recommended I consider applying for tickets to London Fashion Week next year. I could apply under 'Press', under my uni magazine. Hmm, tempting!

Peace out,

Q x

Hopes and dreams

My mum wants to start a diet tomorrow. I think I might join her. I feel like I've had my summer of indulging and it's time to man up a bit. I'm going to be reading and commenting on all your blogs loads for lots of inspiration. She also unearthed a hula hoop out of the garage. Supposedly 10 minutes of hula hooping burns the same amount of calories as 10 minutes of jogging! Crrrazy. I'm gonna give that a whack and see if it gives me the waistline I crave.

I'm going to try and get up early too, as I'm working at 1pm til 8 every day this week. It's back to the foody job that occupied my life last summer. Ho hum! Here comes the self control...

So I've decided what I reeeally want to try and aim to do post-university. I'm going to spend the next year researching small but desperate-for-copy magazines in New York, and see if I can get some sort of employment there. If that fails, I plan on applying for a Mountbatten internship. Even if it isn't exactly the kind of internship that I'd dream of, I still need some time abroad to find myself (without the lengthy cost and aimless wandering of travelling - I want to get straight into the business world.) And New York is the dream. I'm planning on deleting my Facebook page and severing ties with a lot of people. Dangerous? Probably. But I'm so happy and self-sufficient on my own. I have confidence in myself, and I'll never cut ties with my family; I expect they'll be full of support. I'm going to try and get a teeny bit of extra dosh over the next year by selling fillers and copy to specialist magazines. Me and my dad did a bit of brainstorming today and I have potentially got a lot to write about.

I want to escape! Although I have enough on my plate next year, I need to start making my career a priority. As soon as I leave uni, it'll all come plunging and hit me in the face, and I need some sort of preparation for that.

I think I might start my research tonight. Even if it's an online publication, anything is a possibility. And hopefully my CV will be brimming after uni, so employers might just be bothered enough to fill out all the Visa paperwork and get me on my way. Who knows!

I turn 20 next month, which marks the start of a brand new decade in my life, and my god, I want the twenties to be good! You only live once, right? Better work towards your dreams while you can. What are your dreams?

Big up,

Q x

Goodbye student life (as I know it)

Didn't go for the tan last night for fear of rain. Was a flop of a night anyway. Clubs were dead! Went home mad early and didn't feel like any of it had been worth it. Ho hum!

My friend saw Harry Potter THIS MORNING. As in, a week before it comes out, practically! God dammit! Her mum has connections and she got a special ticket to see it in Leicester Square. Apparently it's pretty good though not as epic as she'd expected. She actually INVITED ME but I already have tickets to go to the midnight screening on Thurs night, and I know my friends would be pissed off if I bailed. Plus it'd cost about 33 quid to get to London and back, and I don't know if Harry Potter is worth THAT in my poverished state.

Speaking of, it's about to get a whole lot worse. My loan details came in for next year and it's going to be a POOR year. If I don't get a job I won't survive - something I wanted to avoid seeing as I'm doing so much around my course. I'm going to have to make all sorts of economic cutbacks, including not buying magazines (booo) and not going to dance classes (bigger boooo!) This also means no gym membership either. God knows where my exercise is going to come from. And I expect I'll hardly ever go out. Uni's about to get a whole lot more rubbish... can't wait.

Doesn't make me feel any easier that I spent a lot of time looking for a job last year and didn't find one. Ooer.

Oh dear! Maybe I can wait a bit longer til September after all...

Q x

Happyyyy

So the London glossy mag experience was AMAZING. I've always known that I wanted to go into publishing/the media, but I'm even more passionate about it more now. It was my scene. I felt like I belonged and I was with common-minded people. And it was fun and gossipy! Can't complain.

Because of all that, I'm feeling super happy right now. I'm feeling much happier with work, I'm excited for the rest of Summer, I'm looking forward to my next year at uni... it's all going well. I'm not super thin, but I'm ok with that right now. I've got so much to concentrate on, I'll be overwhelmed if I force myself to concentrate on my weight as well!

Ricky hasn't even been tempting me, and I feel happy about that too.

Wooopeee!

I'm going out tomorrow night - the first time I've been out in AGES. Over a month, I think. I am, for the first time, attempting fake tan. Not permanent fake tan, but this wash-off stuff - in fact, I think it's called shimmer. It's not even really tan. Which is good, as it's meant to rain tomorrow and I don't want it all to run down my legs and look horrendous. If there's one thing I find physically disgusting on girls, it's streaky fake tan. Pet peeve.

I am brown already (I'm mixed-race) but I'm just a little tired of looking pasty in photos. Flash really bleaches me out and I want to glow a bit! So I'm taking the plunge. I'm not even sure whether to wear heels or not as I went to London in new wedges and after a day of walking around, my feet have been TORTURED. It seems cruel to put them through pain again... but it might have to happen for the sake of looking good! I'll give them a good massage tonight...

Ha, remember I told you ages ago about that boy I fancied, E? And I'm not sure if he has a girlfriend or not? I was lunching with M yesterday and she said 'I'm pretty sure he does. I saw him with a girl in the library. She was UGLY though.' and I said 'aw, why! He's so pretty! Oh, E, get rid of Ugly Girl and go out with ME!' and M went 'aw! You'd make such a cute couple.'

YES. YES WE WOULD. :(

God dammit, I NEED to find out if he has a girlfriend or not. And going with a girl to the library doesn't seem boyfriend/girlfriend stuff to me. Unless they were snuggling in there? But if she's ugly... he's so attractive! God dammit. And I've always assumed it was a girlfriend from home. I would've thought it'd be far more obvious if it's a girlfriend at uni.

Sorry, sorry, this is boring stuff. Enough of it all, I say!

See yaaa,

Q x

P.S. Little Miss Thin - Dirty Sexy Things is on E4, if you live in the UK. Mondays at 10. If not, I'm pretty sure it'll be on the internet somewhere. Full episodes are broadcasted on 4OD, though I don't know if that caters for outside the UK. If it doesn't, a quick Google search could find you a good link.

Model behaviour

So there's a new show on, called Dirty Sexy Things, about a famous photographer (Perou or someone) handpicking 8 models and making them do crazy crazy shoots for an exhibition. Sort of like Britain's Next Top Model but with no competitive edge. And you get much more of an insight into the models' lives, like all their partying and sexuality and all that. Oh my god, THINSPO GALORE. They're all soooo hot. And soooo skinny. And the men are beefcakes. There's this one girl called Charlotte, who I just want to BE. She's got an absolutely beautiful face, so photogenic, and so tiny. That and she's super comfortable just strutting around naked, which some of the others aren't. Which I find a really attractive quality in people, no matter what they look like; even if I don't have it myself! Ah well, fake it til you make it. I'm determined to strut around in my underwear in my girls' house next year. Which could be an error as one of my friends just recently got a boyfriend and if he suddenly pops up, he's in for a shock! But ah well. Should be more of an incentive to get skinnier, too. There's another guy in the show who has the route I've heard of more than once: was fat -> got skinny -> got too skinny and got anorexic -> got out of that and became a model. It almost seems like publicising that is a bad message. Like girls will read that and go 'ok, I need to be anorexic, then pull myself out of it and get a teeny bit more flesh on me and THEN I'll have the right body to be a model'. Hmm.

If you're into those model type shows, like BNTM, or ANTM or what, you should watch this on TV/find it on the internet. It's probably better than all those shows actually because it's real, and grungy. And you will see sex (probably) and binge-drinking and attractive English people in their pants. And by pants I mean underwear. In case that sounded like a disappointment.

I feel weirdly competitive with M at the moment as she says she's aiming for a first next year. We got our results recently and although I don't know my average (still got an exam to sit), she says hers is 66.8. Which is GOOD. Better than I can get. And I feel like... if she's gonna be smarter than me, work harder, fair enough (as I'm too busy with Dance/uni paper/Student Union stuff to be physically able to get a first), but I want to prove myself too. So I want to be better looking? Oh my gaawd I'm such a bitch. I've done this game all too often. I'm so self obsessed! I can't stand people triumphing over me. SHUT UP Q. Be happy with your friends and be happy with yourself.

I'm still gonna try, though. Doh.

For those of you unfamiliar with British uni grades, we don't really have As and Bs and Cs and all that (not at most unis, anyway) but you've got your grade rankings: third, 2:2, 2:1 and first. It goes by your score in exams and things - I think it's out of 100. Any less than 40 and you fail. 40 - 49 is a third, 50 - 59 is a 2:2, 60 - 69 is a 2:1, and 70 + is a first. No-one ever ever gets above 80. Like, it's physically impossible. Even if you write the best paper in the WORLD, you won't get above 80. I don't know why they bother even saying it's out of 100. Formality, I suppose. You get a mark for every separate assessment you do and it averages out to one overall mark.

Most people (the ones who are bothered to work at uni and are smart enough to go) get on average 2:2 or 2:1. If you really work hard at essays, you should end up with a 2:1. I work hard at my essays. With some subjects, it's kind of impossible to get a 1st unless you're so good you shouldn't even still be in education any more, you should already have your PHD. I'd say English at my uni is one of those subjects. So I'm always happy to get 2:1s; the higher the better. Some subjects, they throw firsts out like sweets. It really does depend. But that's why I know it's physically impossible for me to get a first - if I wanted a first in English, I'd have to do literally NOTHING outside of my course. I'd have to spend any free time I had outside of lectures studying. And who wants that life??

But yeah. Explanation over.

I'm going into London to the glossy mag tomorrow and I'm super super nervous. I'm having full-on body prep tonight - I want to impress the editors and I know there will be pictures taken (which people across the country may see, argh) so I want to look my best. I've worked hard at growing my nails and not biting the skin on my fingers for a week now so I can look manicured and polished. Will it pay off? Who knows.

I just wish I was skinnier for it. I get so depressed when you hear middle-aged women talking about the amazing bodies they had when they were teenagers/20-year-olds. I'm supposed to have the best body of my life right now and I don't even have a good body! And yet this is the one I will pine for in 20 years or so... I shudder to think!

Enough of all this then. Over and out,

Q x

Let's go Fast-er

Happy Independence Day my Americanos. Happy Monday, my Brit chums. Yeah, bit of a difference in celebration, eh?

Back to work and it's all crrrazy again. Had a mahoosive breakfast today to get me through it. Well, not mahoosive, but big for me - a little bowl of cereal and a bagel. I normally have one or the other but this helped me last the morning when I actually need blood sugar (as opposed to sitting around at home...)

Was reading some mags at work and they had all these 'ooh! How to lose weight without even dieting or anything!' tips and one of them was to have one fast day a month. Apparently this is just generally good for your body, so it can boost your metabolism and clear up all the gunk and all that. And people who do it supposedly lose 5lb a month or something crazy like that. So I'm def giving that a go when I get back to uni! I HATE fasting but I could do it for one day. Something where I won't need any blood sugar for the day, like a Sunday. Definitely a Sunday. The first Sunday of the month? Yeah. Gets the month off to a positive weight-loss start.

Wimbledon's ooover and I was actually gutted at first that Nadal didn't win, as I love him, but I realised afterwards it was better that Djokovic won as he'd never won before so that was like a dream day for him. I think I cried while watching it. I am crying at everything at the moment?? I cried at Beyonce's Glastonbury performance when she sang Halo. I cry at ADVERTS. I am a crier! Good and proper.

Bit embarrassing when my parents walk in and are like 'what's wrong??' and I'm in absolute floods going 'Beyonce! It's just... so emotional!'

Criiiinge!

Love as always,

Q x

Busy bee

<< This is probably one of my favourite Thinspo pics. I'd KILL for that figure.

I'm sorry I haven't posted a lot as of late - I've been madly busy. The new 2-week job is knocking me off my feet, and I've had so much on my mind, including a HUGE step towards my career in journalism (I won't be specific, but next week I'm attending a features meeting at one of the biggest glossy magazines in the country, bang in the middle of London!)

I've been steadying myself with the workout DVDs, but I don't think I'm losing because I'm still eating too much. I'm not gaining, though, which is ok - at least, I THINK I'm not (I haven't gone near Rick since the 11 stone scare.) I went clothes shopping yesterday, though, and got a playsuit that I look pretty skinny in, and I'm still comfortable in size 10, so I'm staying hopeful.

This morning I was going through my Facebook and detagging pics (I'm tagged in nearly 3000 because of all the photo-whoring at uni and that just seems a bit sad.) I went right from the earliest pic of me and all the way through to today. My god, my weight shifts a lot. It's subtle, but obvious to me. Before uni, I was so SKINNY. I must've never realised it. Clothes look good on me! I wish wish wish I looked like that still. Going through uni, it got gradually more depressing, peaking right before Summer 2010 - my 10 stone 4 phase! I cringed at all those photos. Then it got a bit promising again, in September 2011, but now, it's just a bit sad. I also seem to have got gradually less pretty in the face, though I'm not sure why that is. Maybe I wore more make-up back in the day.

I've got a bit of a new mantra for my third year at uni, though. I'm going to be classier. And much more confident. I have a weird thing where I hate bumping into people into the street and feel all awkward. New resolution - get over that! Smile and greet people and NOT BE AWKWARD. Always wear nice outfits. Never be seen or photographed in a bad outfit outside of my house. And just be nicer! In first year I was known as this girl who was ridiculously nice. And I mean, I'm still very nice to people, but I think it's been fading a bit due to the stress of second year. Smile more! Smile ALL THE TIME. I have an Irish friend who just has a permanent smile fixed on his face and I've always admired that. Make people happy just by seeing them. I think that'll be easier as I'm living in such a small house next year, so when I run into the boys I live with, they won't take me for granted, because it's not like they see me all the time any more.

I know you're sick of hearing about my regular fix-up resolutions, but I need to give myself a goal. Next year is going to be MY year at uni!

I've moved out of my uni house now. I can't wait to move into my new one.

Oh! I believe I MAY have found the cure to the constant chewing of the skin on my fingers! Would you believe, the answer lies in moisturising cream. My cousin (who does it too) recommended it; she said with less dry skin to pick at, you won't pick and pull skin loose as much. My mum got me a little tube from Tesco (it's got stuff in it that helps skin heal, too) and it's worked a treat. Every time I start picking, I go and moisturize my hands and I stop. I think it's partly psychological too, but whatev, it works. I carry it with me wherever I go.

Wahey, life!

Q x

Relief!

I stepped on Rickster this morning with some trepidation - but he said 9 stone 6, which sounds pretty normal to me. Cripes! I nearly passed out with relief. I'm starting to wonder if that was some EXTREME water retention last night... I heard somewhere that water retention can sometimes affect your weight by like, 20 pounds? But still, I've never seen that on the scales before and I don't wish to revisit it. I'm never getting on the scales again unless it's morning and I've just gone to the loo.

Thanks for the supportive comments gang! Always appreciated, a lot.

Despite the more normal scales, I've still intended to head for as low as possible today. 300 seems a bit hard to manage with my mum hovering out constantly feeding me, but I'm trying. I ate a small brekkie (about 100 cals) but ate a cookie for lunch, doh, as it was the only thing I had at work. I don't know how many calories one is but I've avoided eating after that, and as for dinner tonight, I'll just aim to chew on as little as possible. And I'm about to crack out the exercise. If I work hard this summer, I might just see the glories of 8 stone something on the scales! Ah, the dream...

SDR2, we're on!

Did anyone see Bey at Glastonbury last night? It might not have been on tv in other countries, but I watched it live on BBC and jesus, that woman is a goddess. I don't think there's ever been a pop star I've appreciated more, with the looks, the voice, the dancing skills and the sheer performance skills all rolled into one. I love that she throws everything into every performance and seems to be so flawless, yet humble at the same time. I've never wanted to be Beyonce more, especially right now, on the aftermath of the biggest gig of her life. That's saying something as I've wanted to be her for about 12 years now. Facebook and the internet has been going mad with reviews and admiration this morning. I wanted to get tickets to Glasto 2012 (prepared to start saving up now), but because of the stupid Olympics, it's not on! And god knows where I'll be in 2013... well, goddammit, I might not be as young and reckless and festival-ready in 2013 but I'll still be 21 (and hopefully have a decent job) and those tickets are mine!

Oh my god, I've discovered the wonders of Photoshop. After a quick tutorial from a friend, I've worked out how to make yourself look perfect - and MUCH skinner - after a few clicks. Depressing as hell, especially when you 'skinny' yourself then look at the original photo. But still... goodbye, fat rolls in photos!

Leavin' but lovin',

Q x

So, broken scales, right? Right???

So I get home from some crazy weekend moving out of my uni house and as I'm lugging my luggage up the stairs, I see the scales in the hallway. I think, hey! What a laugh, let's step on them for a joke. I was curious as to see how much I weighed.

And they showed... 11 stone??

That's 154 pounds.

Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but is it POSSIBLE to put on 2 stone in 2 weeks? When your diet hasn't changed at all and you're exercising fairly moderately (but could probably be doing more)? And you haven't had any alcohol or done any weight training in absolutely ages?

I googled it. I was shit scared. I still am. The closest thing I could find was some girl complaining she'd put on half a stone in 2 weeks (7 lbs) and someone simply replied 'impossible'. As in, that's too much weight to gain in such a small space of time.

My clothes fit exactly the same. I LOOK exactly the same. As far as I can tell. No one's seen me and thought 'my god, she's put on a few!' And my sister tells me if I put on a few. My boobs aren't any bigger. I mean, I read an article today about a woman who was size 18 and she said she was 12 stone. How can I be a stone less yet wear 8/10 clothes comfortably? Cheryl Cole is a size 8 and she's like 8 stone max.

This isn't making any sense at all.

My mum called up to me, as I stared at Ricky in horror, 'Q! Make sure you try on your black trousers for work tomorrow and see if they still fit.' Oh yeah, I finally have some work! But anyway. I tried on my black size 8 (US size 4) trousers. They didn't fit at the start of last year's summer (10 stone 4). They fit when I started to shed the pounds. It was such an achievement for me, to be able to fit back into them. I just tried them on. They fit fine.

So it's GOT to be broken scales, right? As this makes NO sense. None at all. I tried putting other objects on the scales to see if they looked suddenly super-heavy, and they all looked about normal-weight for their size. Ooer. But this isn't right, in my case.

Yeah, yeah, it's broken scales! It has to be.

But still, I'm scared. So it's 300 cals a day (or as low as possible) after today, and exercise every day. And I'm weighing myself every morning. Because if by some, weird, magical reason, that IS real weight, it needs to GO. Pronto.

I think I might start drinking diet coke again. Even if it does make you retain calories, yadda yadda yadda. It's good at beating hunger cravings.

I'm sort of screaming 'arggggggghhhhhhh' inside my head. No more joking around. Even if this is broken scales, I feel like this is a sign. Like God or someone is laughing and saying 'this is your warning. Pull yourself together, or you're going to be even fatter.'

Yeah, pull yourself together. Yeah, it's a warning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Q x

Sigh.

Oh Gossip Girls, show me the light! Pre-3rd season, though. It all went downhill from there.

I'm living in a bit of a trance at the moment. I'm just stuck in the house, on my own, every day. I have no money to go and do anything and no car to get anywhere. I should be preoccupying myself with exercise, but instead I seem in this mundane, low state of mind. And I boredom eat! How awful. I'm going to set myself calorie limits to pull myself out of it. Maybe 2 4 6 8 again (post-breakfast).

I'm pretty sure I'm getting fat. The next week looks a bit more promising, though. My friends are finally returning from uni, and I have all sorts of things planned with the family. Perhaps being forcibly pulled off of my arse will encourage me to do it by myself more often. And things will go back to normal. Sadly, right now, me and the sofa are best friends.

SDR2, I haven't abandoned you!

Seriously though, it's getting embarrassing. I need a job, desperately. I need a life again! I've only just embarked on the summer holidays and already I'm willing to go back to uni. I seem to have more of a purpose there. And more of an incentive to be skinny - because right now, it's hard to care THAT much when you're faced with the prospect of summer solitude, and no-one admiring your efforts. I need my motivation back!

Doesn't help that it's grey and rainy every day, too. Call this summer?

Oh dear, see? Bloggers, I have so little to post about that when I DO post, it just becomes a drivelly little whine about my poor and sorry life. I'll try and keep the posting to a limit until something exciting happens.

I read my horoscope and it (weirdly) said something along these lines: 'you need to suck up the stuff in your life and start ACTING, because if you continue as you're going now, things will get much worse'. I read this as 'you're lying around and eating too much, you need to get up and MOVE, because if you continue as you're going now, the paramedics will be rolling you off that sofa.'

Now, I don't normally think too much of horoscopes, but that one's hard to ignore! Gemme?

On the plus side, my abs don't hurt any more! After about 4 days...

I'll write again when my life is back on the traintrack!

Q x

Not so fABulous.

So I haven't been able to do my ab workout for almost 2 days now - because they flipping HURT after the first time! Which is good but not good if it stops you doing them again. I know it's build-up of lactic acid and I should have cooled them down and all that... but with every muscle, I know how to cool them down. How the hell do you cool down your abs? Normally it's light stretching, but how do you stretch our abs? I might just sit in the cobra stretch for a while. But then there's the obliques. Doh.

If anyone has any tips, I'd love to hear 'em. Must get on Google.

Amber - yes, Twilight Princess, that's what it's called! You HAVE to get it if you love Zelda. I was completely addicted. It's one of those games where I really cared about what was going to happen next, like a really, really good film. If you get it... man, I'll be so jealous. If ever I'm rich and living on my own, I'm getting a Wii and that game, even if by that time it's an old, long-gone thing!

Nice name change, btw. Was a little confused when I signed back on post-holiday but I'm with ya now. ;)

Yesterday was a pretty rubbish day - I ate loads and forgot about exercise. BAH. I mean, for lunch I had TWO bagels. TWO. Who the hell eats two? Me, apparently. But today will be better! It's getting close to lunchtime so I'm planning to have a coffee to halt my appetite for a while, then snack on some crackers if hunger comes back. Then I'll try and eat as little of dinner as I can get away with. I'll just say I'm stuffed. C'mon, SDR2. You will be successful.

My life is pretty boring these days. Which is why I have nothing to talk about. Hooray, blog!

Q x

Summer Diet Round 2 (ding ding)

I don't really like calling it Summer Diet Round 2, as it sounds like Summer Diet Round 1 (last year) was a failure. I lost 16 pounds, dammit! And as of today I'm 2 pounds over that. I came home from a holiday of CONSTANT FOOD (and no exercise) and fully expected to be about 10 stone, but luckily Ricky came up trumps - I'm 9 stone 4, which isn't bad considering I expected to be so much fatter. It'll be a good starting post.

I saw in Cosmo some Tracy Anderson exercises, and I'm focusing on the ab ones. It's for a 14 day bikini boot camp, but I'm making this long term. Supposedly gives you abs like J Lo. Mannn, they're hard! I did 20 reps yesterday and this morning my abs HURT. Which is a good sign!

My holiday was nice and fun. I fell asleep sunbathing and now I am TANNED. I don't promote that technique, mind. I was a bit red too at first.

I've been watching So You Think You Can Dance and it's inspiration to get abs, as one of the women on it was quite big (well, for a dancer's standard) at the start but she got BUFF by the end. Ok, she was training like hell 7 days a week, but she still did it! Makes me want to be a better dancer too. But everything does.

I'm at this weird state at the moment, where I don't really know what I'm doing. I could be sorting out paperwork, I could be revising for my exam in August, I could be reading books and preparing for my next academic year, I could start choreographing, I could write, I could be exercising right now. But weirdly, all I want to do is play a video game. You know, the kinda stuff you get on the Wii?

A couple of summers ago I got completely addicted to a Legend of Zelda game on the Wii. My sister's boyfriend left it at our house all summer (we don't own any kind of games console) and I got really addicted to this game. Can't remember what it was called... Princess of something? It was a really cool game, where half of the time you were a bloke (that blonde guy, whassisname, Link?) and the other half of the time he was turned into a wolf, so you had to be a wolf. Ahh, I'd do anything to get that game back now. I was so into it, though I had to have the online walk-through up most of the time. Legend of Zelda can be a bit of a puzzle. It probably wouldn't be the same, playing it now, but it was awesome.

Leave you here... will keep you updated on my SDR2 progress! Oh yes, it gets its own acronym.

Q x

No place like home

So my sister gets this biiig chocolate cake for her 21st birthday. And as I'm eating it, all I can think of is that stupid song that goes 'this is why I'm hot! This is why I'm hot!' except in my head, it was going - 'this is why I'm fat! This is why I'm fat! This is why - this is why - this is why I'm fat!'

I'm going on holiday on Sunday and I'm nervous. I went bikini shopping today and it was HORRIBLE. I look awful in a bikini. I'm just going to pretend, on the beach, that I'm a Victoria's Secret model and I look HOT and maybe it won't be too obvious I'll be screaming 'ARGHHHHH' in my head.

AND STRICTLY NO PHOTOS.

They depress me.

It's lovely being home. It's lovely being with the family. Luckily my sister's health-paranoid too so we're gonna go running and stuff together. Sans gym, sadly. Her birthday party's tomorrow and it's a bit manic in my house preparing for it. My mum is BRILLIANT. She hired one of those massive inflatable gladiator fight things... ahh, you know, the ones where you hit each other with sticks... and fall off podiums... hard to explain, is there a picture?

Haha! Yes! You've got to whack at each other until one of you falls off. They used to do it on Gladiators. Last time I did one, at a fair, the podiums were so far apart me and my friend couldn't reach each other, so I hope that doesn't happen tomorrow. Or if it does, at least it'll be hilarious.

As soon as this holiday's over, I'm going back to hardcore starvation. Thing is, a lot of it is frame of mind, right? For example, when I'm dancing every day, I look in the mirror and think, cor my legs look fantastic, but as soon as I stop, I think all my muscle has just GONE and they look awful. Which isn't true - they can't just go overnight, right? Anyway, when I'm starving, I FEEL skinny and dainty and good, but when I eat, I just feel... horrible. I hate that horrible, fat feeling. Like I've lost control and have to rely on my appetite or something. No no. Eating lots is overrated. I probably LOOK the same, but it's all psychological. I'm happy feeling skinny.

I complain and say it's harder to starve at home, but I seem to lose the most weight at home. So it can't be that bad. I just need to man up. Tomorrow lots of titbits are going up at my sister's party, so it'll be easy to avoid them if I keep myself distracted and drink lots. I'll have a small bowl of branflakes for brekkie then take the day from there.

I seem to be constantly changing plan these days. I'm rubbish at eating. I'm rubbish at food. I can't find a happy balance. I hate this.

C'est la vie!

Q x

Keep on dancing til the world ends

We're all happy to still be alive? Oh good. That man must be feeling mighty stupid right now. Like he felt in 1994. and 1993... and 1992... hmm, maybe he should just give up.

NEVER MIND, still got the Mayan one to look forward to! That one's had so much hype, it'll be hilarious when it doesn't happen.

Oh dear, bloggers, I've hit a DANGEROUS POINT in life. And by that I mean EXAM TIME. Whilst we spend our lives revising, it's custom to snack on junk food all the time for comfort - it seems unavoidable. I haven't been as bad as some of the others, but I am eating when I don't need to. Doh. There's something so stupidly tempting about it. I'm meant to be going for lunch with a friend today, which isn't too bad as I can order healthy, but she hasn't got back to me so I'm not sure if it's still happening. Ho hum...

Don't really know what to yak about. All my time has been filled up with revision. I'm going home in 2 days and I'm practically jittering I'm so excited. I'm so keen to be outta here.

Ta ra!

Q x

Dehydrated.

Ended up going out last night in the end, though it was to a different club and I just spontaneously decided to go, roping in a couple of dance friends. You ever hear about those British underground clubs where everything's grungy and indie music plays all night and you can go as dressed up or dressed down as you want because no one cares? Yeah, it's one of those. Though not technically underground. There's a lot of focus on being 'cool' in there, and people wear some really old and grubby stuff, but who cares, because the edgier the better. This guy in front of me in the queue was wearing a leather jacket that had peeled so much it looked like he literally got a cheese grater and rubbed it up a bit. But, you know, COOL. The drinks are cheap and the measures are massive, so it's not difficult to get horrendously drunk there. Sadly, I was one of those people.

I remember getting into a drunken strop and getting annoyed with the fact I wasn't blonde? I was seriously upset about it at the time. I was with a whole lot of blonde girls and I felt like the ugly one. I do feel like that sometimes in dance, as it is full of pretty blonde girls (and they can get a bit cliquey), but last night I was just having some weird drunken cry about it. In the loos, course. I pray that no one saw me.

Hello, hangover!

It also means I'm eating quite a bit today. Well, not quite a bit, but I'm always a bit lax with what I eat when I'm hungover. I had a bowl of branflakes for breakfast, then did my radio show on the student radio, then got a jacket potato from the snack bar. I got cheese and beans with it. I was gonna give up cheese for this bikini diet, but like I said, hangover! Plus, I've been told I need to load my body with calcium as I'm on the contraceptive injection and that can fiddle with your bones a bit, so it's best to keep some of it around. The guy was all 'do you want butter?' and I should have been like 'no, ta' but I was like 'yeah, go on then!' Ooer. That's been it so far (2 in the afternoon). I might grill a couple of sausages and have that later, then in the evening I'm going for drinks with the dance girls. It's gonna be weird as it might be the last time I see some of the ones graduating.

Speaking of dance, I get to teach two classes next year - Street/Hip-Hop for beginners, and Street/Hip-Hop at an advanced level! Yesss. I'm really excited. I'm so glad I finally get to teach an advanced class. More of an incentive to get buff - I need good core strength for the harder moves, and I want to be able to LOOK like a hip-hop dancer! Crop tops and abs, anyone?

There's a really weird news story at the moment. This bloke is wandering around Wales taking a pony with him into public places, like pubs and stuff. He tried to get it on a train and even bought it a ticket. Hahaaa. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-13451965 - check it out, just casually chilling in a hospital.

(Still haven't weighed myself yet... scaaared.)

Over and out!

Q x

Gym n tings

Read this in the voice of the professor from Futurama.

'Good news everyone! I found my joggers!'

Lurking in my duvet cover after putting them to wash... cheeky disappearance.

I tackled the gym today, but it wasn't as successful as I would have hoped. I didn't book myself for the exercise classes as I thought I was going out in the evening, though we re-arranged at the last minute. So ordinary gym it was. Was all good up to when I hit the treadmill - my thighs did this weird jelly-thing and it was agony to run. No idea why! I had just been mucking around on the power plate, so it might have been down to that... hmm. I got a good toning session but I wasn't feeling 100%. It didn't help that the gym's air con was broken. And then I lost my gym card. DOH.

Food today has been aiiight!

Brekkie: branflakes (standard)
Mid-morning/afternoon - Mocha and a Cloud Nine smoothie (it's all fruit and stuff... yeah.)
Lunch/dinner (would that be dunch? Or linner?) - Jacky P with tuna and leafy salad, and an apple

Might have a coffee later... but hopefully that'll be it. I'm not feeling too skinny these days. I might brave Ricky tomorrow morning.

I'm so bad at revising. I've got an exam on Tuesday and revision is just not happening. I need to pull myself together. I've been mad busy with preparing for my responsibilities next year this week. I can't wait for next year! A cute new house and loads of cool new things to do... it's gonna be crrrazy.

Alright... nothing interesting happening so I'm gonna leave you there.

Ciao!

Q x

The world hates me.

Seriously, the world does NOT want me to go to the gym. Basically, I'm always low on bottoms I wear to the gym (which is weird considering how much I dance). I only have my leggings, or my little joggers, and I kind of alternate between those (which means I have to do pretty frequent washing/laundry). So I go and leave my leggings at home. DOH. I figure, hmm, that's ok, I'll just have to wash my joggers more regularly... only to go to get my joggers from my drawer before the Body Attack class and find them missing!! I searched everywhere, but no luck. What!! How am I meant to go to the gym now??

I ended up wearing these stupid 'genie trousers' (as A calls them)... they're good to dance in but I looked ridiculous, especially as I already have ridiculous-looking trainers (I wear dance sneakers, which look like black, ugly trainers.) I looked awful! I tried not to look in the mirrors too much but it's hard when you're surrounded by them. Ugh. And then, I go to Body Attack, generally have a blast, until I get to the end and find I've developed BLISTERS from wearing those stupid trainers. C'mon, does someone up there dislike me? Or not want me to exercise or something??

I don't have time to go to the gym tomorrow (boo), so I hope they're gone by Thursday... on Thursday I'm thinking a couple more exercise classes, namely Body Combat (I LOVE boxing workouts) followed by Body Balance, which is a bit like yoga and stuff. Body Attack was a lot of fun today. .something.so.small - I didn't know it could burn 1000 calories! I'm not sure I did today, I got so tired by the end, I should have been giving it more energy. The sore feet didn't help. It was a bit like a fitness DVD, but obviously there was more pressure as it was a class. Even the fitness instructor looked like she was in pain by the end. There was a really fun bit where we had to sprint as fast as we could around the room - I seemed to revert back to childhood at that point and just run around screaming 'WAAA' in my head. Ah, good stuff.

I wrote myself a contract yesterday. Wanna hear it?

'I, Q, promise myself that I will go to the gym as often as I can, and feel satisfied after a high-intensity workout. I promise that I'll only eat when I'm HUNGRY, and when I do eat, it will be nutritious and filling [i.e. not crap]. I promise that I'll eat some sort of fruit or vegetable with every meal, except breakfast on occasions [I figure cereal's ok on its own]. I promise to start eating MUESLI. I promise to only have one cup of coffee a day, and to replace the whole milk with skimmed or semi-skimmed [I knoooow, I drink coffee with whole milk! Argh, please don't hate me... I could never drink whole milk in any other way. I'm currently enjoying a cup with skimmed milk and no sugar, so it proves I don't need it. I only put semi-skimmed as that's what's bound to be the only thing at home]. I will only eat chocolate very sparingly - hot chocolate can satisfy my cravings. I will not drink fizzy drinks or chocolate milk, I will always opt for the SMALL version of everything [i.e. no more 'I'll have a regular Morning Glory smoothie, please!], and I will only be allowed milkshake once a week. I promise to take advantage of [the market road near where I live] and buy most of my groceries FRESH.

Signed,

Q'

Sounds good, huh? Nice to get it down in writing. My food today has consisted of:

Brekkie: a small bowl of branflakes
Snack: an apple
Lunch: a leafy salad with cherry tomatoes and grapes, no dressing
Snack: a hot chocolate
Snack pre-gym: a bag of Special K bite things (99 cals)
Dinner: a jacket potato with leafy salad filling and a grilled sausage

And I'm drinking coffee right now. Hmm, looking back at it, it seems like I'm eating SO MUCH. This healthy eating stuff is gonna take a while to get used to.

Until tomorrow, then!

Q x

Attaaack!

I booked myself for a 'Body Attack' class later. I really want to go to the gym, but the thought of plodding along on the treadmill and the cross-trainer does not appeal at all. I just thought I'd get bored. So a fitness class it is! Luckily my gym does absolutely loads of those, and they're all free for members. I have no idea what 'Body Attack' is. I'm a little bit nervous. I hope I'm not with loads of full-on buff people who know what they're doing. The only fitness class I go to regularly is Zumba, and I'm easily the best in the class at that one, but it's filled with middle-aged women. Being the best as a 19-year-old dancer isn't too hard. That sounds vain! Ha. So I'm nervous about this one. It could be fun, though. I reckon afterwards I'll have more fun with the power plate.

I'm getting so sick of being in this house. Last night L, the housemate who's turned into a prick, started playing his music really loud at midnight, when I was trying to get to sleep. I got REALLY angry. Maybe I was PMSing. I smacked on his wall and he turned it up even more. So I started to go insane, thrashing around on my bed, screaming and crying with frustration. Hell hath no fury like a woman who's been woken up! As revenge, I grabbed my radio and turned it up to as loud as it would go. I was wearing my earplugs, so it didn't sound THAT loud to me, but when I took one out, it was DEAFENING. L turned his music off after that, and I felt horrendously guilty because I hadn't wanted to wake up A or anyone (whose room is above me). I turned it off and went to sleep.

All I can remember thinking is, 'I can't wait to get out of this house.' And I will be getting out a week tomorrow, so I should be patient. I'm sick of it being a constant mess. I'm sick of the kitchen. I went in there to tidy a bit as my dance friends are coming over to have a night in with food tomorrow night, and the kitchen was DISGUSTING. There was a plastic bag lying on the surface and when I looked inside, there was loads of VERY mouldy pasta inside. I mean, this stuff had its own fur coat. I looked in some of the lower cupboards and the boys had actually shoved dirty dishes in there! There were all sorts of horrible things lying around, and some greasy fat-like stuff in the sink. The whole thing was enough to make me throw up. I tidied as much as I could stomach, then went to the loo - where, surprise surprise, the loo hadn't been flushed. Why don't boys do that??

I don't like the boys any more, either. I move on from friends quite quickly, and it sounds harsh, but I think I've outgrown them. All they care about is dossing around and clubbing. That was fun in Freshers Year, but now it's more fun to do stuff like get involved with societies and the newspaper and the radio and the Union and actually CARE about your degree, seeing as it actually counts this year. They just seem like children to me. I keep thinking I can't wait to go home, but really I'm most looking forward to next year, when I'll be in a small, nice, CLEAN, girls' house with M and L, and I'll have so much cool stuff to do. I probably won't see the boys much at all, as I doubt I'll be clubbing too much. I don't even think I care.

As for the healthy eating? Well, this morning I had a small bowl of branflakes for breakfast, which was nice. I've missed branflakes. I'm going to have an apple soon, then maybe some salad for lunch. I desperately want more exercise. One thing I read in that girl's blog (which I've been poring over; I can't get over her transformation! Look at my previous post if you don't know what I'm on about) was to associate exercise with relaxation, so go for a walk or run when you're tired or frustrated. I wish I could have done that in the middle of the night last night, but there's no way that could happen. Next time I might ignore my tiredness and put on a fitness DVD or something.

I'm flicking through her site and I've spotted she's written down a cardio workout that sounds very doable. I might try it next time I'm having a good old gym workout! I'm going to copy and paste it here so I don't forget it.

Perfect Cardio Workout.

Warm-up
Walk on the treadmill at a moderate pace (3.0 to 4.5 mph) for 5 minutes.

Tabata intervals
Tabata means short bursts with little rest. Work 20 seconds; rest 10 seconds. Do 8 times.

Run as hard as you can for 20 seconds (5.0 up to 10.0 mph, if you dare!), then stop completely and rest for 10 seconds. No need to lower the speed. Grab the console and hop feet on and off the belt. Repeat the 20-10 cycle a total of 8 times (4 minutes).

Cooldown
Walk it off for 5 minutes at a moderate pace (3.0 to 4.5 mph). Nice job!

Total cardio time
14 minutes

I suck at interval training. But 20 seconds of sprinting? Sounds ok! And only 14 minutes in total, not enough time for it to get boring. Perfecto.

Alright, this apple is calling me now.

Adios!

Q x