So my sister gets this biiig chocolate cake for her 21st birthday. And as I'm eating it, all I can think of is that stupid song that goes 'this is why I'm hot! This is why I'm hot!' except in my head, it was going - 'this is why I'm fat! This is why I'm fat! This is why - this is why - this is why I'm fat!'I'm going on holiday on Sunday and I'm nervous. I went bikini shopping today and it was HORRIBLE. I look awful in a bikini. I'm just going to pretend, on the beach, that I'm a Victoria's Secret model and I look HOT and maybe it won't be too obvious I'll be screaming 'ARGHHHHH' in my head.
AND STRICTLY NO PHOTOS.
They depress me.
It's lovely being home. It's lovely being with the family. Luckily my sister's health-paranoid too so we're gonna go running and stuff together. Sans gym, sadly. Her birthday party's tomorrow and it's a bit manic in my house preparing for it. My mum is BRILLIANT. She hired one of those massive inflatable gladiator fight things... ahh, you know, the ones where you hit each other with sticks... and fall off podiums... hard to explain, is there a picture?
Haha! Yes! You've got to whack at each other until one of you falls off. They used to do it on Gladiators. Last time I did one, at a fair, the podiums were so far apart me and my friend couldn't reach each other, so I hope that doesn't happen tomorrow. Or if it does, at least it'll be hilarious.As soon as this holiday's over, I'm going back to hardcore starvation. Thing is, a lot of it is frame of mind, right? For example, when I'm dancing every day, I look in the mirror and think, cor my legs look fantastic, but as soon as I stop, I think all my muscle has just GONE and they look awful. Which isn't true - they can't just go overnight, right? Anyway, when I'm starving, I FEEL skinny and dainty and good, but when I eat, I just feel... horrible. I hate that horrible, fat feeling. Like I've lost control and have to rely on my appetite or something. No no. Eating lots is overrated. I probably LOOK the same, but it's all psychological. I'm happy feeling skinny.
I complain and say it's harder to starve at home, but I seem to lose the most weight at home. So it can't be that bad. I just need to man up. Tomorrow lots of titbits are going up at my sister's party, so it'll be easy to avoid them if I keep myself distracted and drink lots. I'll have a small bowl of branflakes for brekkie then take the day from there.
I seem to be constantly changing plan these days. I'm rubbish at eating. I'm rubbish at food. I can't find a happy balance. I hate this.
C'est la vie!
Q x
You're right, a big part of it is psychological. I feel skinnier when I'm fasting/restricting, but the moment I put something "bad" or high calorie in my mouth, BAM! I instantly feel fat and bloated. Logically, I know that I probably still look the same, but it's all in your head. Same thing with the weight- if you weigh and you've lost a bit, you feel skinny. But if you've gained just a tiny bit, you instantly feel fat.
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoy yourself on your holiday! Don't worry about changing plans a lot- there's nothing wrong with that at all! You have to try out many different things to see which one works the best for you!
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SO true about all of it being psychological. And the weird thing is, my feelings about myself are super polarized and very binary. Like, I'll either feel spectacularly skinny or like a horrible fat failure, there isn't much of a middle ground for me. But I think part of that is just who I am, I have a sort of all-or-nothing personality where the switch is either on or it's off, there's very little in between. Which makes it hard to strike a balance, I feel either on point or off. And isn't it weird how QUICKLY your self-esteem can change, just with one bite? haha I'm rambling, but I find it all very fascinating! RaeLynn
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