Today has been hectic

It really has. I set my alarm for 7am so I could leave the house at 8.30am and it didn't go off... so I woke up, looked at my phone and it was 8.30AM EXACTLY. I think I just screamed "SHIIIIT!" and jumped out of bed. The thing at uni was reeeally important and went on all day (I won't specify as I'm so funny about staying ambiguous) but I just pegged it and got ready in about 10 minutes then ran to uni. The rain didn't help things. Why is it so bloody miserable these days? I hate the North.

Now, because of this, FORGIVE ME BLOGGERS, I haven't been able to monitor my eating very closely. At all, in fact. I'll go through what I can remember...

- A 'morning glory' smoothie (pahah) so about 150 cals again?
- Half a chicken mayo sandwich with lots of salad. That thing was HENCH so I bet it was mercilessly calorific. But it gets worse...
- A chocolate and banana milkshake. I KNOW. I used to drink them from my favourite smoothie bar and I've just noticed it's reopened... had to. Had to.

Didn't even hit the gym today - no time and I'm exhausted! Been on my feet running around all day, so hopefully that burned some cals.

Total - who knows? I'm going to HOPE it was under 400 but I reckon it was closer to 600. AGH. Definitely gonna hit the gym in the morning and run like there's no tomorrow!

Why are tv shows and movies filled with FOOD? Yesterday at G's ALL her housemates were eating, and really good food too - baked salmon with veg, that kind of thing. And every advert on TV seems to be about food. There's this one that KILLS me - I think it's Delia Smith or someone like that cooking, and the food looks SO GOOD. If I find it on Youtube I'll stick it on the blog, but watch it after you've eaten, as on a hungry stomach it's torture!!

I'm glad Day 2 is over... don't think I've ever felt so malnourished. Day 4 looks kind.

I'm going to wait til Sunday to weigh myself, but I honestly don't know if I'll have lost any weight because of all the alcohol. Can't be good, can it? Guess my SGD malarkey won't be that accurate. Should've waited a week to start it.

Hey ho.

Q x

Old Blighty

Another miserably drunken night. I don't remember a whole lot, but people have been telling me things. I wasn't fun-drunk-Q last night either... I was weird-drunk-Q, where I wander around a lot on my own and ditch people. Confusing memories.

Don't really know what to do tonight... major dilemmas! C, party housemate wants to throw a party, but I have to be up at 7 tomorrow for uni... crikey. Really wish I could crash somewhere else tonight but it's impossible to find anywhere. There's also another house party going on but it doesn't sound like it'll be a load of fun, and J (Boy) will be there... any encounter with him these days just ends in him ditching me and me feeling like poo. Last night I think he said "I'm gonna go find some other people". OH CHEERS MATE. So I might just go to Girl Mate G's house and chill with movies or something.

Day 2 is bloody hard, isn't it? I've been feeling so malnourished all day. Went to the gym earlier but I was rubbish - only did 10 minutes on the treadmill. My god, went on the rowing machine and discovered there's a game you can play called Fish or something, where a little fish appears on the screen (that's you) and you have to row faster or slower to vary the height of said fish either to eat smaller fish (for points) or avoid being eaten by bigger fish. WOW. My hands literally have blisters I was having so much fun with that. Every machine should have its own game!!

Alright, SGD.

DAY TWO (300 cal allowance)

- A small bowl of branflakes. According to the packet, a small bowl of branflakes with semi-skimmed milk is 100 cals. I drink skimmed, so I chopped off 5 cals.
- A mini muller rice pot (YUM) - 100
- An Alpen bar - 61
- A slice of ham (I was snacking and bored) - 8
- A whole load of mayo (eaten with sweetcorn) - 40

Total - 304 cals. Dammit, 4 calories over!! Why did I eat the ham? Ah well, won't be too hard to burn off at the gym tomorrow.

Extras:
- 2 apples
- A bowl of sweetcorn, with the mayo. Weird combo, I know, but I was starving and it was literally all I had. I did hunt for lettuce but none of my housemates are very healthy, it seems.

So today wasn't too shabby. Get to weigh myself in the morning - hello, Ricky, we meet at long last!

Wow, check out all the comments on my last post... cheers guys! You lot are corking. Ariana, you asked about British culture. I can honestly not compare it to American culture as I've only been to America once (New York, sighhh) and that's such a touristy place I expect it's not a good representation of bog-standard America. I mean we Brits have a good idea of American culture because of the ridiculous amount of American shows and films and songs to grace our lives, but it's hard to know how realistic that is - because England is NOTHING like it's represented in the media. Well, not NOTHING like it, but you know what I mean. England's a pretty crap country, actually - hardly any of it is actually attractive aesthetically and it's full of chavs, which are rough tracksuit-wearing often unattractive people who hang around car parks and shop fronts smoking and generally being abusive to the public. Mostly teenagers. I think every teenager hits a chavvy stage in their life, but chavvy adults are just embarrassing. You see a group of chavs - cross the street! Also known as pikeys, though that term is debatable these days.

The England accent isn't universally nice, either. We don't all sound like Hugh Grant, charmingly English. I happen to sound quite posh, actually, so I think Americans would like my voice - but chavs sound GROSS. Awriiight bruv, init, wha you sayinn, fuck off you twaah." (that was meant to be 'twat', but chavs don't pronounce their Ts.) Everyone has a hint of the chav in their voice, and at my age, you're ridiculed if you sound too posh. I often am! But at least people don't wince at the sound of my voice.

M happens to be textbook definition of chav... she's getting better, but the voice is going to take a lot of work! It shows, though, that they're not all awful - M's amazing and comes from a good background so I guess friend influence turned her into one. Shame.

I love most Brit music but some of it is annoying. I looove the whole underground grime industry. I think any foreigner who doesn't know what it is would hate it, though - it is pretty shitty, admittedly (I'm such a rhymer) but it's getting better these days.

What's awesome about England is the fashion. I truly think England has the most daring and interesting fashion in the world. Every other country or place I've seen (even New York!) just doesn't compare. In fact, NY was downright disappointing given its fashion status! I am proud to call myself English for that. I love fashion, though it's hard to be fashionable when you're poor.

The chocolate is fucking amazing here.

... And yes, we do all drink tea. All the time.

Peace out!

Q x

XOXO

Look at Leighton Meester, looking all buff. Is anyone watching Gossip Girl? I've only caught the first episode of the new series and it was pretty naff, but I'm still hooked... can we get more screentime for Nate? And Chuck's looking increasingly yummy...

Didn't drink that much on the 2nd night of Freshers Week. There you go, liver - a break! Got some weird compliments last night. Put on this dress that USED to make me look skinny but now makes me look like a frump, and M goes to me "Q, you're becoming one of those girls where I feel ugly standing next to you". Is that a compliment? Think that was weird - a random drunk guy in the club looked at me and went "you're strangely attractive". I raised my eyebrows and said "strangely?" and he went "not in a conventional way, you know".

I actually feel quite insulted from that one.

Let's see what tonight brings... I warn you, this week's worth of blogging is seriously going to be me ranting on about nights out. If I were you, I'd steer clear for a week!

Oh, and of course, HELLO SGD.

SGD - DAY ONE (400 cal allowance)

- A smoothie from the Student Union called 'Morning Glory'. Ha, that's embarrassing to order! I ordered a small and it consists of strawberries, banana, milk, honey and porridge oats (tastes RIDICULOUSLY good). I can't really work out the calorific intake. Does the fruit even count? I averaged it out to about 150 cals. That'll do.
- A ham and cheese salad, also purchased from the Union. According to the packaging, 206 cals.

Total - 356 cals

Extra:
- An apple
- A handful of green and red grapes

Wahoo, I'd call Day One a success so far! I will be consuming alcohol tonight but I'm not counting that towards my calorie allowance as it's impossible to ignore alcohol in Freshers Week. C'est la vie... it'll be short-lived, and hopefully I won't be drinking that much tomorrow night as we're not going in, just going to various house parties.

Tomorrow's gonna be tough, only 300 cals allowed... I guess I'll make it through. If any of the other SGD girls (or anyone, really) have good tips for low-cal but filling foods, lemme know!

Hope it's going well for the other girls too... AAOS, Ariana, lovelybones and ana, you've got my support! Hurrah for our, er, pentagon of love.

Until tomorrow then! Day 2...

Q x

Dammit.

Hi there, I'm Q, your resident alcoholic/student. I got hammered last night. No denying it. And apparently being hammered gives me the munchies with no boundaries. I ate a burger. And chips. At 3am. We were kicked out of the nightclub early because of an emergency alarm being set off, and I truly realised the peril of living so close to a string of takeaway shops when you're drunk and with hungry friends.

WHY. WHY OH WHY. Never mind - the SGD starts tomorrow so I can buck up my ideas then. Tonight is another night out (hey, it's Freshers Week) but there will be NO late night food consumption - I SWEAR to you, bloggers. I'll be thinking of you if my mouth even goes near any food.

I have no food in this house to consume, anyway. Just found out I've gotta share a fridge with a housemate who's just arrived today (T - remember him?) which means I won't get my own fridge any more, boo... but my fridge is BARE so it's not like it makes a difference. I'm thinking an elevenses bar for breakfast, maybe something involving baked beans for lunch... and that'll be it, until the mass alcohol consumption that'll occur tonight. And then the SGD starts! Thank god.

This thinspo photo is to remind myself that my boy mates keep picking me up and throwing me around... and it'll be so much easier for them once I'm super skinny! So you're doing them a favour, as well as yourself, Q. Hey, I'm not entirely selfish!

Way too scared to face Ricky. Gonna stay away from him til I'm going strong on the SGD, methinks.

Aight, said everything of actual value... tatty bye!

Q x

The SGD

AKA the Skinny Girl Diet. Sort of like the ABC diet I suppose, but I think you get to eat more. Myself and AAOS are beginning it on Monday (check out my progress here and her progress on her amazing blog - http://questtobebest.blogspot.com - it's a good'un!) and we'll see how well it goes, eh! I've never done anything like this before but in 30 days Halloween approaches... so if it helps me get super skinny by then, s'aaall good.

Had my personal trainer session yesterday... man, he's such a DICK. He just kept taking the piss out of me, but not even in a funny way. I just felt patronised. He didn't kill me like he did my friends though - just made me do 20 minutes on the treadmill, varying between jogging and sprinting. Towards the end the sprinting got REALLY hard, so at least he gave me a workout. He said next week he might make me do circuit training which I guess will just be me manically running around the studio doing stupid little exercises, making myself look like a tit. With anyone else, I'd embrace looking stupid, but with him... I know it's going to be mega uncomfortable. Ah well, next week's the last session then I'm DONE with him!

Freshers Week starts tonight... so mad partying every night, yes? I'm sorry, bloggers, I'm CRAP at this. Being a student and trying to restrict is so hard. Food's a doddle, but the alcohol... it's unavoidable! My liver is crying out for relief. I've heard the body metabolises alcohol before it does food, so I figure if I keep to low-cal alcohol drinks (like vodka mixers) it won't be too bad. Who knows. DEFINITELY need the SGD diet right now.

My eating is also so rubbish right now. Guess it's the whole pre-periodic thing. I hope. Because then it'll pass.

Freshers Week is going to be full of mayhem, and probably a lot of drama... I'll keep you updated!

Ahh, where's my courtesy thinspo pic? It'll have to go at the bottom of the post.

Say bye-bye to your thighs, Q!

Over and out,

Q x

Hello, treadmill

I think I'm at the phase of my cycle where I'm pre-periodic, as I'm getting SO HUNGRY these days. I can't be sure because I don't get periods any more because of my contraception, but I'm guessing. Bah. My eating is allll messed up. And Freshers Week starts tomorrow!

I'm so stressed and unhappy right now. Stressed about my finance being rubbish, stressed about registering for uni, stressed about Freshers stuff... stressed about boys! Last night I went out and got absolutely ZERO male attention all night. I was unknowingly drunk and lost my friends and just thought hey ho, I'm gonna go home. Hahaha. What a loser I am.

The taxi driver was such a joker. It's normally about a fiver to get home but when I asked him how much, he goes "about 12 quid". I was like whaaaat? But he was kidding.

Still missing Boy like you would not believe. Sorry, J. Done with 'Boy'.

My GOD, my posts are mundane.

Had such a good bout on the treadmill yesterday. 25 minutes straight running, which is good for me. 5 minutes fat burn, then! I was dying to get to 30 but couldn't hack it. Some hot guys came up and started running next to me, and I felt like a twit with no make-up on all smelly and sweaty... then later on they turn up at my house for pre-drinks, oh great! At least they got to see me dolled up, so that beautiful gym look wasn't a lasting memory. Tonight I've got a session with my personal trainer and A told me when he had one the other day he absolutely KILLED him, so I'm actually pretty nervous! Supposedly he just made him sprint to death on an incline on the treadmill for half an hour... I SUCK at running so I'm worried he'll ramp me up to some ridiculous speed and I will literally just slide off the end and crumple on the floor as my tiny legs whizz to keep up and fail.

The session is at 8... so I'm allowing myself soup at like, half 6. Eating past 4, woah, unlike you, Q! Ah, we do what we have to do. It sucks, but hey ho.

lovelybones went on some calorie count website and it predicted what weight she should be... I went on that website and couldn't find that bit but I went on how many calories I should be consuming a day to hit my goal weight (8 and a half stone). 1500 a day. BAHAHAH. Fo reeeal? Even when I wasn't restricting I'd eat less than that and I just stayed the same weight/put on weight. They do say dieting women need 1500 cals a day. What? Does anyone actually get super skinny from that?

Rubbish.

I'm really curious to find out what weight it thinks I should be haha... so if you're reading, lovelybones, direct me, please!

Alrigh, speak later.

Q x

OMG

I suck. BLAAARGH. Remember when I said I don't want this eating malarkey to interfere with my social experiences with my friends? Well G and M wanted to go to G's for dinner and make pasta, so I went with, but OH DEAR. Pasta. With cheese. And then cookies. Could anything be worse? I went to the gym after but was feeling so bloated and horrible that I really wasn't feeling it. And then we got back and I was watching a film with A... and I wanted to keep eating. So I had a bowl of cereal.

DOH!

I feel embarrassed to tell you lot but I want to be 100% honest. This is the SECOND NIGHT I've eaten past 4pm and it's been fairly shitty food. This canNOT become a habit. Today I'm liquid fasting and I'll probably wait until Sunday to weigh myself.

I went to see the new Resident Evil yesterday with A... that film has so much thinspo in it! Milla Jovovich's body looked HOT, for one, then there was Ali Larter and another girl who was British and gorgeous... damn. I need to up the game if I want to look like them.

Freshers Week starts technically on Saturday. I did say I wanted to be 9 stone by then, but I think I'm still a few pounds over. I doubt I'll be about 4 pounds less in a couple of days, but hey, at least I'm close. And I'm still desperate to be 8 and a half stone by Halloween! Though I have no idea what I'm going as, yet... I did want to go as Miss Scarlett from Cluedo and wear a tight red dress (hence wanting to be skinny), red heels, red lipstick, etc. and then attach various murder weapons to myself. That could be a lot of effort, though. Damn, MOST Halloween costumes are far too much effort!

What are you going as?

Oh, big shoutout to AAOS... she's going through a scary time and I want her to know we all have her support! I'd be rubbish in a pregnancy scare, I think I'd go to pieces, but she's strong and I'm so impressed with the way she's handling it. Sending you massive internet love, sweet, hope things work out the way you want them to!

S'laters!

Q x

I'm moulting!

My hair is all over the house. It's annoying how I can't even blame it on anyone else, as the only other in this house who has long hair is blonde. There are long black hairs just lying around everywhere, I swear! It's ironic because I was talking to M recently about how I NEVER moult... jinxed it.

<<< Oh hi again, Vanessa Hudgens... sighhh.

WHY WHY WHY do I always binge before weigh day?? Last night we went to the pub and I was sitting opposite my friend G (girl mate) and behind her there was this picture of this gorgeous looking burger. I had to look at it whenever I wanted to talk to G. Me and M were just sitting there staring at it... M's a vegetarian but we were still fantasising about eating it. So M says to me "let's stop and get a burger on the way home" (veggie burger for her). I was like "oh no, I haven't got any money! I shouldn't, anyway." She was like "RUBBISH. I'm buying you one. Come on, let's go get one."

So I got a burger. And man, it was GOOD. But it didn't stop there. Remember L's birthday? He finally reached the point where he thought "ok, I'm not so hungover I can eat now" and whipped out the birthday cake - this massive chocolatey MESS. And he insisted we all had a slice. It was SO GOOD. But so fatty.

Bahhh.

Because of this, I'm scared to face Ricky... I'll eat normally today and check him out in the morning. I'm too worried about what that stupid amount of food late at night has done to my body.

I am feeling much skinnier these days, though. I feel like some of my bones stick out a bit more than they used to, like my collar bone and the top of my spine and my wrists, weirdly. I'm probably just imagining it, but it's good for the body confidence.

So, Boy sitch... M told me the details of exactly what he had said when she ran after him the other night, and oh mate. What a prick. Just... wow. "Q's just a friend to me. She knows that, I've made it perfectly clear." ERM NO YOU HAVEN'T. She feels like a nob for running after him, but I'm glad she did, as it was such a wake-up call. And now I'm piecing together the details of our fling of the last few months and it's all coming together... from how we got together in the first place to everything down the line. He doesn't fancy me. He probably TRIED to, but he doesn't. He liked the convenience of me, though, and the fact I was so willing, and he wanted to get over his ex girlfriend and thought this might help. But now he's hit a point where girls are throwing themselves at him... he doesn't need me. He needs to be single for a while until he can find a girl he really cares about and can commit to. And I need to hold out for a guy who knows what I'm worth.

Ha, that reminds me of that Alicia Keys song! A reeeal man knows a reeeal woman when he seees herrr! And a reeeal woman knows a reeeal man ain't afraid to please her... and a reeal man knows a reeeal woman always comes first! And a reeeal man just can't deny... a woman's worth!"

What a tune. I used to love that when I was a kid.

Speaking of songs, I was listening to this Sugababes song, and ugh, don't you hate it when the lyrics of a song completely MATCH your situation word-for-word? I was listening to this old Sugababes song and it seems to fit my head. Like a hat.

It's called Undignified. Just to prove how massively pathetic I am, here's the chorus:

So give me false hope and promise me you'll try
To redeem yourself for the hundredth time
Lie to me if you must, my dear
Give me a reason to have you here
Even false hope allows me to still believe
In this powerful love that's consuming me
I'm hooked on a drug that steals your pride
It's hard not to feel so undignified.

... Tragic.

Anyway, so I'm not gonna call him Boy any more. From now on he's just gonna get another generic friend title... he's gonna be called J.

And I'm still chewing the skin on my fingers to death. If anyone knows how to stop this stupid habit, let me know pronto.

Oh, I almost forgot - welcome, new followers! How exciting, I'm almost on double digits. Talk about pressure to be entertaining!

Love y'all.

Q x

Croikey.

What a night! I was right, I did regret that post... but I was so angry and wanted to vent. Thank the lord I seem to be able to write and text perfectly when drunk... you know what I mean, not all "helklo mnmny name isss Q" or any of that.

Thank you thank you for the comments. I do love you lot so much.

<< I looove Lauren Conrad. I seriously think she's gorgeous and she's so skinny! Perfect thinspo.

It was a bizarre night... I mentioned it was L's birthday, well he collapsed on the dance floor in one of the bars we went to. Luckily I was with 12 guys so it wasn't a problem getting him outside (I really do have too many bloke mates) and he had to be taken away by an ambulance. A went with him. I kept texting/phoning A to see if L was ok, and at about 2am, he texted back and said he really wanted company. So I went to try and find him, but I had no idea where the hospital was... he gave me directions so I tried to follow them but trust my phone to DIE. So I'm strolling around the city at 2am with no idea where to go, without a phone, either. When his directions completely failed, I walked allllll the way back to the club (I had been walking a WHILE) and ended up getting a cab. Got there, and A wasn't there. Dithered around a bit til a nurse told me where to go, and directed me to some room... and there was L, lying on a hospital bed, unconscious. I work in a hospital so I'm used to seeing patients, but seeing him as one was really scary, with the little white band around his wrist and everything. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I settled for laughing. What a way to welcome in his 20th birthday!

I was with him for a while (with him waking up occasionally and muttering random things) until A FINALLY turned up with M and Boy Mate K. A was completely LIVID. I get the impression from all of them that A had been worried about me and was convinced I'd been kidnapped or raped or something (I suppose my phone dying didn't help) and was running around at the speed of light, panicking. SERIOUSLY panicking. I was kind-of intrigued about what he was like, but of course he calmed at the sight of me, though he seemed pretty shaken up. Him and M were chatting in the cab home (when L got the all-clear) - "so terrified... thought something had happened to her outside that bar... oh my god, don't even want to think about it."

I felt so bad for working them up. But is it weird I felt kind of touched, as well?

Then we get home and the first thing I see is Boy and that girl... A hugged him to death when he saw him (hadn't seen him for 4 months) but I don't think A's even that interested in him, he just likes him because I'm involved with him. Course, now, I hate the fact he hugged him. So then, as I said last night, Boy left with this girl and M chased after him... and it all went downhill from there. I'm kind of worried what she said to him, but I imagine she seriously stuck up for me. Apparently at one point the girl tried to get a word in but M just looked at her and said "no, don't talk to me." I'm pretty sure I've mentioned, but M can be veeeery intimidating!

Cor, was it care-for-Q night or what?

Food yesterday was really good. Had some cornflakes for brekkie with skimmed milk. If you're on semi-skimmed, I really recommend switching to skimmed - it tastes exactly the same to me, but so much less fatty! Then went to the gym, then had half a bowl of this chicken curry thing, which was really nice, at about 3. And that was it, though I bet the alcohol calories didn't really help things. I reckon by food I must've had about 400 cals, though I have nooo idea how many cals were in all the alcohol... let's not think about it! Today I'm thinking grilled sausage for breakfast (hangover foood!) and chicken salad for lunch, as I have a chicken breast I really need to grill. Hooray! Meaty day...

Doubt I'll make it to the gym today as my feet are KILLING after last night and my muscles are aching after stretching yesterday, but I'll let myself off for having a day off.

Alright, let's see how Tuesday goes!

Q x

Dear Boy.

I don't understand you.

The other night you were kissing me and holding me like you never wanted to let me go. Then you go and sleep with MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR. Some girl I've never met. And you have the CHEEK to turn up right outside my house with her, some random slag that I don't care about.

How could you? M chased after you and what was your excuse? "Me and Q aren't going out". That's NOT an excuse. You know how much I missed you over summer? I even subconsciously counted down the days til you arrived... and you do this to me. You haven't even texted or called me. She's probably in your bed right now. I don't even want to think about it.

I'm lying in my bed, alone, crying over you. And you're with her. I know it.

I don't know what to do. I thought you were It. Not The One, that's too extreme. But It. The guy I needed, right now, in my life. The guy who could solve things. Who could mend me. Who could get rid of this aching heart-wrenching loneliness.

This is the second time you've got with some girl whilst we had something going on. I forgave you the first time. How many times can I do it?

I was in the hospital. With my friend, making sure he was FUCKING BREATHING. He was lying there crying about the fact he was so embarrassed at what a state he had got in, and I cried with him. A went flipping mental when he couldn't find me. A nearly tore his hair out. AND YOU DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT. YOU WERE FUCKING SOME RANDOM GIRL.

I think... I think we're done.

I'm writing this at quarter past 4 in the morning. I've had alcohol. I'll probably regret this post when I wake up tomorrow (or today... technically). I'm desperate for some support. I hate you right now.

I hope the next time you see me, I'll weigh a stone less. Then you can see what you've done to me.

Sincerely.

Q x

Sundays are HARD.

Today's liquid-only diet was almost a success... my only let down was when Boy Mate K (that's right, more names to remember!) offered me a jam doughnut. I refused at first but then caved and ate one. And I probably got a bit too happy with the chocolate milk. Ah well.

On the plus side, hopefully burned off at least 500 calories at the gym. I know that's seriously laaame compared to some of you but for me that's a start... and I only had a fairly diminished workout (no resistance machines yet, no dancing in the studio) so I figure it can only get better from here! Sucked at the treadmill, ran about 15 minutes then stopped and walked for about 5 then ran for about another 6 minutes... wish I hadn't stopped in the middle, but I had such a stitch! How do you get rid of stitches? Do you just have to fight through them? Man, it SUCKS when you feel one coming on just as you're beginning to get going. Can't imagine having one as you start running a marathon or something. At the end I was so hungry I truly thought my stomach was going to explode.

I hate living with 6 boys.

They do not stop EATING. It is literally non-stop. And they are boys, young blokes, all aged 19 - 20, so they are perfectly entitled to do it, and of course will burn it all off with their super young-man metabolisms... it's not fair! But it's so so hard when you're sitting in the living room trying not to think about food and restraining yourself from running into the kitchen and devouring the place, and they walk in with some delicious looking meals or takeaway food. And it's difficult being with M, too... whenever we so much as leave the house the first and last thing she has to do is buy food. She can't go into a shop for something innocent like milk without buying cookies and chocolate and cake, too. We'll be on the way home from the gym and I'll be absolutely STARVING and the LAST thing I want to do is think about food and she'll make us walk into Subway or somewhere... it's too difficult!

This is the test of the gods. If I can successfully restrict after an entire YEAR of this, there's nothing I can't do!

The other day they were all eating in the living room and I was there and I was SO HUNGRY that I gave up and went into the kitchen, got the milk out of the fridge and tipped myself a bowl of cornflakes. Hadn't put the milk in yet. But then I thought I'd put in too much, so I picked some of the cornflakes out of the bowl with my hands and put it back in the box. And I still thought it looked like too much, so I picked out more and put it back. And I kept picking and picking until there was nothing left in the bowl, so I put the bowl back in the cupboard and put the cornflakes and milk away.

What the...? Am I going mad?

I really, really hope I've lost a lot of weight by Wednesday (next weigh-day - a few pounds will do) as you don't know how close I am to losing all hope. I hate feeling constantly malnourished. I want it to be worth it, and right now, I feel like it's not. I need to see change or I'm going to go mad!

I don't know how I'd do it without you lot here to support me. I don't know how any girl or guy can do it without this kind of support! I really, really want to succeed for me AND for you, but I feel like my body isn't letting me. Just push on, I suppose...

Q x

Well I guess that is the definition of - ironyyyy

I sung the title in a sing-song voice based on a beautiful barbershop quartet... from Family Guy. I loooove Family Guy. It seriously cracks me up.

Anyway, said irony occurred after I happily wrote about my wonderful self-control and ability not to eat past 4pm... to then have a mini binge! M went out and bought the usual zillions of calories of chocolate (it's not fair!) and I ended up buying a packet of cookies... argh. They had a 2 for 1 offer and M wanted the white chocolate ones, so I ended up going for the milk chocolate ones. They were a pack of 5 and I gave two to A and one to Z but I still ate two. That must be about 400+ calories in one sitting. Shocking!

I knew Ricky would make me pay.

"Hey bitch, haven't seen you in a while! You want good news, right? Well tough, fat pig, I'm gonna make you pay for those cookies you ate last night. You were so happy to get into the 120s, right... well guess what, welcome back to the 130s! Hahahaha. Fatty."

9 stone 4 lbs. Gahhhhh.

Today is liquid-only. I'm thinking - coffee for breakfast (which I've already had), soup for lunch, chocolate milk for dinner. Do y'all know about my love of chocolate milk? Oh man, I'm addicted. I know it's junk, but I don't see it as a bad food... a glass is about 150 cals, so I think it's an acceptable meal substitute. I'm already excited about drinking it tonight!

I didn't get the chance to go to the gym last night either - it closed early, argh! So today I'm going to go after lunch and live there for the rest of the day.

Oh hi, gym man, I'LL MAKE YOU EAT YOUR WORDS. Nobody calls me fat. Or, erm, proves it.

It's gotten to the point where it's affecting my dance choreography, because I go to the studio, look in the mirrors, and just focus on how gross my body looks. Need to change this pronto.

NEW FOLLOWERS. Eeee! The support grows... I'm doing this for you lot! Thank you for your lovely comments. Where I would be without all you ladies... writing this blog feels so good. I check blogspot and all the other blogs like you would not believe... straight on the internet, straight on blogspot!

I'm debating doing a body shot soon... just because I know it can be frustrating to follow a blogger and have all their stats but still really have no idea what they look like. It'll probably be before a night out and all dolled up, when I'm feeling skinny, and have batteries in my camera... so I have no idea when it'll come as of yet, but it'll come eventually. I'm really really nowhere near as skinny as the rest of you so be kind when you see me! And I'll probably remove the picture after about an hour or something for fear of being discovered and associated with my true identity, but it'll be there for a bit! I'll warn you when it's coming so you won't miss it :)

S'laters

Q x

Oh, she's ranting again!

I went window shopping today. Walked into Topshop and picked out 2 tops, a tight dress and a skirt, all size 8. Just to see if I could fit into them. All fit (though the dress was a bit snug). HOORAH.

I can't wait until I'm skinny and can look good in everything. I'm so obsessed with clothes. I'm thrilled at the idea of maybe officially being a size 8... that's one size away from my goal, size 6!

On another note, aaarrrrrrrghhhhhh.

Been so defensive about the body fat percentage thing. Asked M if she was in range and she said she was. M, who'll eat 2000 calories worth of chocolate in one sitting just when she's feeling peckish. Compared to me, starving myself. I'm the fatter one. I'm depressed.

Everyone at this gym was fine with the body fat thing. I wasn't. I am, technically, the fat one of the house.

Bahhh.

My self control's getting amazing, though. The amount of times I've been around people eating fat, greasy food whilst I'm hungry and they are happily offering it to me (perhaps even bringing me a plate) is getting ridiculous. I'm constantly refusing. Boy is terrible - he bought me all my drinks last night ("it's fine, you can get the next round"), ordered a hell of a lot of food with his housemate whilst we watched the film and was so happily expecting me to help myself without even chipping in... what? Stop being so generous! M and housemate A (if you remember him - best boy mate) got fish and chips and M offered to buy me some but I had to refuse.

I've also gotten into a weird habit of not eating past 4pm... I'm curious as to how this will affect my weight loss (I remember reading an article aaages ago with some celebrity who stopped eating after 5pm and claimed "the weight just fell off") - I guess I'll find out tomorrow. WEIGH DAYYY. I know it's bloody unhealthy, though, so I don't endorse it, even if it has helped things along. Gym man told me I need to be eating 5 times a day. Ha, I can barely manage twice without feeling guilty!

Over and out!

Q x

Aftermath

Thank you for the lovely comments about my awful gym session yesterday. You guys really made me feel so much better! Looking back, I think I over-reacted a bit... I mean, he put electrodes in my feet and did a body test and it DID say I had too much body fat... maybe everyone else is in the healthy zone, and I'm dangerously over? Even if it's not visible. It was quite depressing because I'm about 30% fat, but when I was talking to my housemates they were all "how much were you? Oh I was 13%... oh, I was 12%." I know they're boys so they're obviously going to have much less fat on them but still, I'm chilling there with 30%!

Yesterday was generally quite a bad day. Though it had its good points.

I've completely gone off eating past 4pm. I don't know what it is. And yesterday, my gym trainer told me to actually burn fat on the treadmill, you have to be running for over 20 minutes. The first 20 minutes burn carbs, and every minute after that burns fat. Considering I did about 22 minutes the other day, that means only 2 minutes was actually burning fat. Hence why I hate carbs now. If I don't eat any, does that mean I'll get to fat-burning quicker? Humm.

I seriously have no food.

It's strange, to know losing weight is not about being skinny and perfect any more. It's not about my own body insecurities and matching up to the media image. This is about my health. I NEED to reduce my body fat percentage. It's unhealthy. Motivating, huh? I feel like an obese person forced to lose weight in order to live.

Yesterday was return of Boy, as well... he invited me to his housemate's gig and I went along with M, though she disappeared pretty sharpish, saying she'd be back in 10 minutes (and came back an hour later, as I was leaving, yelling at me for leaving her). M kind-of ruined that night, especially as she texted me afterwards calling me a dick and whatnot. She seems to get a bit funny about me and Boy. I'm not even the type of girl to ditch friends unreasonably for a bloke, so it annoys me how my friends react... my friend B actually had a panic attack once thinking about what it would be like if I went out with him and therefore didn't talk to her as often! I did have a good night with Boy though, and fell asleep curled up with him afterwards on his sofa watching Inglourious Basterds.

Walking home (I had to, as I had M's keys) was the scariest shit of my life... so many weirdos, and this guy in a car pulled up next to me and was driving at my walking distance going "Hey darlin, need a lift? I'll give you a lift" 3 BLOODY TIMES. I was pooing my pants. It got to the point where I just shouted at him "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and he drove off. Still shook me up a bit. Came home to find a drunk L cooking in the kitchen, who was being so sweet about the whole gym session thing "I can't believe he said that to you, Q, there's nothing on you, you have to ignore him, he doesn't know what he's talking about" and "M's just being stupid, it doesn't even matter if she stays in a strop, don't let it bother you". Bless him. I seriously love L. He's the cutest thing.

I'm glad yesterday's over and done with. Vive today!

Q x

Worst day ever.

Hungover. Tired. Dehydrated. Had about 3 hours sleep last night... another crazy night on the town, another night where I drank virtually nothing and got ridiculously drunk (though not TOO drunk, thankfully). Woke up with hazy nightclub memories and the aftermath... mainly being turned upside-down by my boy mates an awful lot.

Boy's back in uni-land. He phoned me this morning but I missed the call, but when I phoned him back (out of politeness) he seemed grumpy and awkward. He made it clear he hadn't really wanted to talk to me at all, and cut it off awkwardly with "I'll call you back" (as if). Why phone me if you don't have anything decent to say?

These things are undoubtedly shit, but the real low-light of my day was my gym session.

Today I had my first personal trainer session. The first session is basically a health check and then they prescribe you a routine of exercises. I was really looking forward to finally getting some structure in my workout.

Hmm, personal trainer's very quiet... hmm, he doesn't really seem to know what he's doing, either. He was constantly stopping and staring into space for a while. He did the health check, and the one I was dreading was the body fat percentage. It was above average (bah). He was talking about how I should work out... and he said "you'll need to lose fat, of course, if you want to, well, keep on living".

What? Did you just tell me if I don't lose weight I will DIE, personal trainer man??

I'm PRETTY SURE that's what he said. I might have misheard... but that's essentially what he said.

I stepped on the scales and was thrilled to see I'd dropped to 9 stone 2... but he still seemed to be going for the "you're fat" angle. He asked me about my diet and I said I eat a lot of fruit (which is true) and he said "ah, that's got a lot of sugar, you'll eventually end up with type 2 diabetes. It's especially common with overweight people."

So I'm going to get diabetes because I eat FRUIT. And I'm overweight. It sounds like a statement, but the way he said it... he was implying I was overweight.

I JUST STEPPED ON THE SCALES IN FRONT OF YOU. MY BMI IS 22. THAT'S THE LOW END OF HEALTHY. WHAT THE HELL??

Did the breath test. I've got good breath. I've sung all my life and played the flute for about 5 years. I swam a lot as a child and was very good at swimming underwater. My breath control and lung capacity got pretty good. But oh no, personal trainer man seems so concerned he asks me "do you have lung difficulties?"

(I know that isn't so bad... but I'm so proud of my breath control. He touched a nerve there.)

Then he kinda stared around a bit more and flicked through my booklet... "oh, I'll set you a workout next week. We need to get you fat-burning so we'll work on building muscle, particularly legs and arms."

I DON'T WANT BULKY LEGS. I DANCE 5 TIMES A WEEK. I HATE HOW BULKY MY LEGS LOOK ALREADY. DON'T BULK THEM UP.

I want to be petite and thin. I don't want to be MUSCLY.

"Well, you're a woman, women don't tend to bulk up."

And then later - "you see those female body builders? They get very bulky."

ADSFDSKJFDSJHF.

So in all, I'm going to die from a combination of diabetes and general fatness, and they'll probably have trouble squashing my hench arms and legs into the coffin. And he didn't even give me a bloody workout plan.

I went to the loo and cried.

Q x

"Can I get you a snack before they roll you back in the ocean?"

(Title is a quote from The Simpsons episode I watched today. Thought it was funny. And relates to how I'm feeling - beach whale, eh!)

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

It started off normally. Sliced up an apple and made myself a cup of coffee for breakfast. Ate the apple, drank the coffee - but, halfway through, it started to taste funny. The flavour sort-of vanished. I chucked it, and figured it might have been bad milk - though the milk didn't smell bad. It was right at the end of a carton anyway, so I chucked the milk too. Felt horribly sick from that bad cup.

Except the sick feeling didn't go away, not for a while. I ended up eating a handful of cornflakes to try and get the taste out of my mouth. Sick feeling persisted. I started to figure maybe the coffee was fine, but maybe I was getting ill. When me and M went walking around in the bitter Northern winds, she remarked that I was sniffing and sneezing a lot. Argh, early Freshers Flu!

Got back and had some soup. Man, that soup was NICE. Ham and sweetcorn or something like that. Had that at about 4pm. Sick feeling went away for a while.

Few hours later, went to the gym. Got to 22 minutes straight running on the treadmill... an accomplishment for me, woo! Set me on such a high. Embarrassing, though - housemate Z and HotGuns were there and I was dreading HotGuns spotting me sprinting away all smelly and sweaty, but he did spot me and rushed right up, stuck his mouth by my ear and was shouting "Come on! Go! Go!" in a joky way. Ahahah... GOAWAYILOOKGROSS.

After the gym we went to the sauna, and I found it more uncomfortable than last time. When I got out, I nearly passed out. Had to lie down for a while on a side bench. I guess this might've been because of lack of food? I've decided from now on I'm going to eat something like a cereal bar (little kick of energy) to keep me going... though I didn't have any problems whilst working out, nor immediately afterwards; it was only after the sauna, weirdly.

Anyway, now I feel sick. I'm hungry, but the thought of food makes me feel sick. That coffee-sick feeling from this morning has come back, ugh. Oh no, go away, flu! Don't let it be that!

I'm sure I'll be over it in the morning. I've got my first Personal Trainer session on Friday - it better be over by then.

So, in all, I feel good because I feel like I've eaten hardly anything today and worked out properly. But I also feel like chucking up my guts. Hey ho!

Thanks sooo much for the supportive comments on the other post... I re-read it and thought to myself, ugh, nice one Q, way to over-react! You guys were great though, as sympathetic as ever. I really do appreciate how loving and supportive this community is! I really feel like we have each other's backs, which is so refreshing in a group of predominantly girls - from my experience, at least!

Watched BNTM this morning... my gawdddd, they're all SO tall and SO glamourous and SO thin. Really really good thinspo. They're currently in Malaysia and I'm half-Malaysian, so it was really special seeing them appreciate the beauty of the country and the culture. I know America's Next Top Model did a thing where they opened it to women who were 5 ft. 7 and under, and I have this stupid fantasy that if I got skinny and BNTM wanted to follow suit, I'd be able to audition... the girl who won the last series supposedly looks a lot like me facially (I don't see it, but hey) so I have faith in my facial features. I just don't have the body!

Haha, stupid thin fantasies. What's yours?

Q x

Binge binge binge

Ughhhh. Probably about 1000 calories in one sitting. UGHHHHHH.

Don't beat yourself up, don't beat yourself up, just work it off tomorrow...

My gawdddd. I'm gonna tell you a bit about a friendship I have with a girl called B. She was my best friend but got so clingy that I've gradually gone off her... thing is, she's still stuck on me like blu tack. And without wanting to sound all moany or vain, she tends to copy me... a lot. If you've ever experienced this, you'll KNOW it's so annoying. She took my identity - my music taste, my clothes taste... she fully admitted that she wanted to be me. And that drove me up the wall.

Anyway, been attempting to drift apart from B but she really is like a clingy girlfriend. Luckily she doesn't go to the same uni as me and is about 200 miles away currently so I do get a bit of a break from her.

Remember I mentioned my friend H, in my first post? She's so tiny, she can fit into a size 4... bikini pictures of her appeared on Facebook and she looks BUFF as usual.

B skypes me and says "I think we should make a pact - whoever looks more like H by Christmas can have dinner bought for them by the other! We have 3 and a half months to slim down. The competition will help us get motivated!"

This... makes me sick.

For one, friends don't compete. Good friends support each other. Frenemies compete. Competitive friends are friends who are threatened by each other. Why would she suggest we compete? I told M and the first thing she said was "talk about a good way to get anorexic!"

(I laughed it off and bit my tongue...)

She tried to lose weight over summer. She lost 2 lbs. I lost 12. She doesn't do ANY exercise. She has no muscle definiton. She's ridiculously unfit. She now weighs about a stone more than me - without ANY muscle.

Why am I so angry by the idea of her comparing us? And why, oh why, do I now feel INCREDIBLY competitive, and want to starve myself day in day out so I can show her how to do it??

Is she implying that I NEED to lose weight, or tone up, as much as she does?

I was so wary about writing this post. I know I'm coming off like such a dick right now. I sound ridiculous. I sound like a bitch.

I WANT TO WIN.

My mission is to be H's size. H generally wears size 6-8 these days. I want to be size 6. I'm GOING to be size 6.

And I'm going to bloody make that happen in the next 3 and a half months.

I'm sorry. I'm such a nob. Please, please don't think less of me because of this post... I just want to VENT.

Ughhhhhh. Did I say that already?

Q x

HALLELUJAH.

Dear me, it seems Ricky was in a good mood this morning.

9 stone 4 lbs.

I don't care if it's down to loss of water retention or any other rubbish like that... I'm going to pretend that's my real weight right now.

9 STONE 4 LBS.

I've officially lost a stone.

PRAISE THE LORD!

It's quite ironic that I wrote that post yesterday with the Tinie Tempah lyrics when last night, I WAS so hungry it was keeping me awake. Seriously, you do not know how close I was to running to the kitchen and eating ANYTHING just so I could get some bloody sleep. Course, being kept awake might have had something to do with C and his mates running around the house shouting at 2 in the morning... and the fact my feet were so ridiculously hot that I could not get comfy (ah, the curse of having eternally hot feet). Think I got into a proper sleep at about 4 in the morning... and had some weird dreams about Christmas. Ah, fair enough.

I'm not going to weigh myself until Sunday now, as I've been weighing myself faaaar too much as of late...

Boy's house party falls on the same date as my housemate's birthday pub golf. Have you ever done pub golf? It's great fun. You dress up as golfers (polo shirts, long diamond-pattern socks, visors, etc.) and go on a bar crawl and have to down your drinks depending on what the 'par' is on the sheet - so if the par is 2, you have to finish your drink in 2 gulps. Geddit? Gets you completely trollied... kinda gutted to be missing Boy's house party, though. Have a feeling a lot of his course girls will be there, many of whom have a massive crush on him. Last year at a club two girls came up to me and started acting like they knew me - I was too embarrassed to point out that I had no idea who they were (one kept saying, "we know you through Boy" - well, she used his real name, obviously) so I pretended to be absolutely hammered. They looked pissed off. I caught up with Boy's mate earlier and he told me that the girl who hadn't been talking fancied Boy, so they had probably been Facebook stalking me and had temporarily forgotten that I had no idea who they were. Oh, great.

Supposedly he's got a lot of girls after him on his course... but he picked me. Suck on that, random girls!

He might go for one of them now, though. Who knows? Sigh.

Yesterday I ran for 20 minutes on the treadmill. Every day I'm going to increase that by a minute until I'm, well, awesome.

Catch ya later

Q x

"Have you ever been so hungry it keeps you awake? ...

... Mate, now my hunger would leave you amazed."

(Courtesy of the lyrically-blessed Tinie Tempah... say hello to Uncle Festaaaaa.)

I'm starving right now. So, so hungry. Got back from the gym about half an hour ago and have witnessed M (female housemate) eat one of those MASSIVE Cadbury Dairy Milk bars and cookies in front of me, and D eat pasta with chicken. I've been sipping diet coke.

Ok, today wasn't fast day as I planned... when it comes to solid food, I ended up eating a chocolate bar (it was a brand new one from Cadbury - I was curious! Ended up making me feel sick - me and chocolate aren't good friends right now), a pastry thing from Greggs (attempting to fend off the sick feeling - wish it hadn't been quite so calorific!) and an apple at some point. Right now I'm struggling against the urge to run into the kitchen and eat everything in sight, especially after M took me food shopping and I now feel a bit more like a proper person, with plenty of food to choose from and make.

At least I have about 6 cans of soup.

Is it bad that M is sort-of becoming reverse thinspo to me? Not in the way she looks, oh no, not at all! But in the way she eats. She's constantly saying "I'm such a pig" and, well... it's starting to seem more and more true. I know she loves chocolate and sweet things but the AMOUNT she eats is borderline ridiculous. I don't think I've ever witnessed anyone eat so much chocolate in one day. If she didn't go to the gym, I'm convinced she'd be tackling obesity... though I guess she may have a high metabolism.

Who am I to judge? At least she's happy and comfortable. She's not starving herself to death trying to achieve perfection. She should be a bloody inspiration to me for GOOD reasons.

On a better note, I wore a high-waisted skirt today, and it was too big in the waist department. It was a size 10. Score! I think I have about a 28-inch waist so how this makes sense is beyond me... but ah well. I've decided that all my clothes swamp me or make me feel bulky, so I'm going to start buying size 8 clothes from now on, me thinks. If I can get them on!

I really want to chat to Ricky tomorrow and see a difference. Just one pound. Anything. I don't even know if it's possible to lose a pound in a day but I'm getting desperate. If I don't see some change soon, I'm close to losing all hope.

Stay with me and keep me strong, oh 3 followers who make this worth writing! I love you all and want us ALL to succeed. Let's do this!

Q x

I'm not losing any weight.

"Suck on that, you fat cow! You haven't lost a pound! Hahahahahaha" (Ricky)

Still 9 stone 6 lbs.

FISJFJKSLDJFLKDSHJFSHDFJKSDHFJKDSH!!!!!!!!

What? What?? What am I doing wrong? I know weight's all temperamental and that, but to have it consistently the same weight for about A MONTH AND A HALF... I'm sure I'm doing something wrong.

What am I doing wrong? Eating??

I'm going to fast today and weigh myself tomorrow to see if it makes ANY difference at all to my weight. If I do end up going clubbing tonight, I'll sip on diet coke and pretend it's vodka and coke.

I'M SO FRUSTRATED. I wanted to get to my goal weight by Halloween. Given that I lost 12 pounds in a couple of months, I thought it would be a doddle to carry on. But my body hates me, apparently.

I've been going to the gym! I've been busting my arse off on the treadmill! I've eaten about 3 unhealthy things in a week! Even my housemates think I'm barely eating anything! If I'm not going to lose any weight then all that might as well have been for nothing - I should've eaten normally for the bloody week!

I'm so close to tearing my hair out.

Q x

Confessions

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned.

Last night, M (female housemate) somehow persuaded me that we needed to have a night in while the boys were out on some pub crawl - with TAKEAWAY. And sweet things, too. So we went to Domino's. I think a mix of lack-of-self-control and not-wanting-to-look-weird caused me to buy chicken dippers and potato wedges... AND almond slices. I ate til my stomach was bursting. M was pleased. I was not.

Ricky has been cackling loudly from upstairs. Today I shall not face him; I am too afraid.

How to repent? Today I shall consume NOTHING except things in liquid form - coffee for breakfast, soup for lunch, and probably hot chocolate (with skimmed milk) for dinner. And I shall go to the gym, and possibly have two 20-minute-minimum bouts on the treadmill, plus cross-trainer, and rowing machine, and stretching, and if the studio's empty (which it hopefully will be), dance choreography. (Can't use any resistance machines yet, boo, as I haven't had my first personal training session yet so I have no idea how to use them... but I can still do push-ups and crunches, I suppose.)

And it has been declared!

And I shall burn off those nasty calories.

... Yuk.

I was going through quite an awesome blog earlier (http://hopesforhipbones.blogspot.com) but I noticed it said in terms of contraception, Depo-Provera (the injection) causes the most weight gain. Just to throw in my 2p... I'm on the injection and I have had no weight side-effects from it. Certainly no weight gain! True, it could be affecting me in ways unknown, but half the time I forget it's there. The only thing different about me is lack of periods (which is corking), but no changes to weight, thank lord! I certainly wouldn't mind it helping me lose a few pounds, though...

Q x

Fallback

Today has been FAT DAY. You wanna know what I've eaten? Let's just say I've had fun at Greggs (a bakery). Cheese, sausage and bean pasty... YUM. And a sticky toffee muffin. Possibly the biggest pile of junk I've eaten in one go in a week. My stomach hurt like a mother after I ate. My body's making me pay!

I'm taking a day off from the gym today as my muscles are killing me... though who knows, maybe I'll get bored later and just go with my friend. If I'm not really feeling exercise, I could just use the studio to choreograph for my dance class. The mirrors in there are a godsend. Could join in a spinning class if it's going on... was talking to my housemate the other day and he said he often, er, stands to attention when on the exercise bikes - "it just feels so good!" LOL.

Sorry, TMI.

Housemate that commented about my food intake was smelling a crisp packet yesterday and remarking that it smelt really good. I smelled it (it was alright) and said I wasn't that into crisps anyway. He said "you're not into any food - you're practically anorexic". I laughed and said "if I were anorexic, I think I'd be a bit skinnier". He just murmured in agreement.

... I'll be skinnier soon.

All my housemate talk must be getting confusing... I'll give you a bit of a lowdown.

M - female housemate. Best friend. Gym bunny too, but not a healthy eater... at all. Couple of clothes sizes bigger than me, but generally quite healthy-looking.
D - male housemate. Works out a lot but eats LOADS. Put on a lot of chub in first year and hasn't shifted it yet.
L - male housemate. Serious health nut. Almost as obsessed with healthy eating as me... eats chillis just to boost his metabolism. Is practically a woman! Has a really great body. Generally a really lovely person.
Z - male housemate. The one that comments on my food intake. Fairly fit, works out too. Very chilled-out guy. Hard to get into an argument with him.
A - male housemate. Best male friend, I'd say, though I don't see him much because of the excessive amount of time he spends with his girlfriend. Probably the weediest out of my housemates - but don't tell him that.
C - male housemate. Didn't know him so well before living with him. Serious party animal. Brings back the weirdos... including HCF. Think he might even encourage him, ugh. Good bloke, but his life seems to revolve around partying.
T - male housemate. Haven't seen him in about... 4 months? He hasn't moved in yet. Bit cuddly. Not as much of an exercise nut as the rest of us are... though he's bound to join the gym when he gets back, just to fit in.

Congrats to you if you keep up with all that.

Hmm, talk about an exercisey house... I think the boys get competitive with each other, M just does it for fun, and I'm obsessed with getting skinny. I'm getting a bit tired of comments about what I eat, though (I walked into the living room with a bowl of salad yesterday and M said jokily, "you're so boring with what you eat!") so I think from now on I'm going to start eating in private.

Oh... and HotGuns is at the gym too. And I might have to be in a bikini in front of him if I ever want to use the sauna when he's there. Talk about incentive to get hot.

Today was a one-off. I don't think I'll eat anything else today seeing as I'm allowed to weigh myself tomorrow morning... eek! Wish me luck...

S'laters

Q x

Late night munchies

How to beat the munchies? It's beyond me. The other night I was absolutely STARVING (having eaten like, a salad about 5 hours previously) and then my housemate (the one who eats the most, I believe) sits down next to me and devours a bacon sandwich that smelt SO GOOD and a corner yoghurt which I LOVE. What does chocolate even taste like? I think I've forgotten. I tried so hard to hold off (normally I'd have a cup of coffee to beat the hunger cravings but I don't like drinking it in the evening) and I very nearly succeeded... but ended up cracking and having a bowl of cereal. And last night... last night I got stuck into the houmous and crackers. Right before bed. Why?

The only good thing I can say is it's so refreshing to only have healthy food in the house... I seriously can't remember the last time I ate anything that could be technically classified as junk. Earlier I was pigging out a bit (more houmous and crackers, hoorah, and fruit) and one of my housemates said to me "do you always eat like this, or are you on a diet or something?" - I laughed, and said casually "I always eat like this. I'm a fussy eater - I don't have a lot of interest in food". I'm NOT a fussy eater, and I certainly am dieting, but the latter is true - I don't have much interest in food. When I go food shopping I tend to just stare around and get bored easily, and return home with basically nothing, and forget cooking. Food doesn't get that much love and attention in my eyes.

You think that'd make it all easier... but it's still bloody hard.

Been to the gym a couple of times now. I can see myself getting addicted and wanting to go every day... I'll try to hold off from that. I definitely won't go on Sundays as it's liquid fast day, and I'd probably just collapse on the treadmill (which could have dire consequences, ooer... I remember hearing a story about a bloke who was messing around on one and ended up having all the skin ripped off his leg), but I'll probably be going a lot. And I feel like I can relax my food habits SLIGHTLY if I have such a regular exercise pattern. Speaking of, my stamina's increased like hell since I was last a gym bunny... before I could barely stand 3 minutes running on the treadmill (SHOCKING, I know) but yesterday my friend wanted to stop after 20 and I probably could've kept going! Hooray!

On other news... let's see, a super hot guy from my Halls has started hanging around my house a lot (he's good friends with my housemates). It's nice to just get to perv at him for a while. What code name can I give him... he's got some of the best arms I've ever seen, so I'll call him HotGuns. My lord, he made his appearance when I walked in on the kitchen proudly announcing I'd found the binbags (and I mean VERY proudly announcing, as in practically skipping in and throwing my arms in the air)... did it get very hot in there all of a sudden, or was it just me? I won't let the fact he threw up in one of our loos last night deter me, oh no. He's not Boy, but he's a good replacement to fancy and flirt with until Boy makes his appearance. Yummy.

I'm terrible, I know.

Oh, and there's this stuff at the gym which me and Female Housemate are considering investing in... it's called "Sculptress" and it comes in pill or shake form - I think it's this stuff that increases fat burn and metabolic rate, and supposedly it's good before exercise. It's for women and I think it's just an aid to get into shape... how good is that, though? It's only available for members to buy and although I'm generally against diet pills and all that malarkey, this sounds like something that could be seriously beneficial to my weight loss efforts... hells yeah, boi! Here's a link - http://www.maxitone.com/weightloss?gclid=CLO2h-yp_aMCFeFc4wodNmhTJQ <- it costs baaare money in general but it's dead cheap for gym members. Score!

Gonna love you and leave ya now.

Q x

Get thee to a gym!

Alright, the photo is a little inappropriate. Watch your hands, fella! But look at her legs... and for some reason I'm really drawn to pictures where skinny girls are getting some lovin'... I guess in my head I associate the idea of love = being skinny. Bad, right? Ah well.

Apologies for my mass posting (I'm addicted, I swear), but top news! My friend signed me up to some free gym trial at the gym she goes to, as I mentioned, and I wasn't that interested, but I went along anyway, just to get out. My god! That gym! I think it's the best gym I've ever seen. Absolutely GIANT, so many different areas of working out, includes things like saunas and steam rooms... plus a massive studio covered in mirrors where people can supposedly just go in and work out casually (hello, dance practice), and masses of cardio. It's right round the corner... I was so so tempted so I phoned the mother and she said she'd go halves with me on the cost. So £10 a month? For that? That's less than a night out... I smell a bargain!

I'm massively excited to join. I think I'll get on it tomorrow. Croikey!

I think I'm not going to bother with this rigid food plan... it's hard to keep up with. I negotiated quite a lot today. Brekkie I still had the yoghurt and coffee, but for lunch I had soup and for dinner I had a cheese salad and an apple. Basically ignored my food plan, eh! Yeah, it's getting chucked.

The thing at the gym I joined involved seeing a personal trainer every now and then to check how you're doing, so today I had to fill out a questionnaire basically saying what I wanted to achieve. Naturally I put stuff like weight loss, fat loss, bla bla bla, and he looked over it then looked at me and goes "well personally I don't think you need to lose weight... but anyway - " and carried on. At the time I just chuckled a bit (while feeling massively complimented) even though it's such a lie. I mean, I'm 132 pounds of fleshy mass on a 5 ft. 4 skeleton... there's definitely weight to lose there. No question. However, it did get me wondering if they were going to set me some easy workout if they think I don't need a hardcore one... ah well, I can do what I like in there anyway.

I'M TOO EXCITED TO JOIN. Maybe if I join an amazing gym I can give up on those bloody workout DVDs for a while... I've really rinsed them as much as I can. I should mention that I used to go to an awesome gym and for a while I was ADDICTED - I'm such an exercise addict it's ridiculous. But can you imagine, when I'm back at uni, not only dance classes every day but gym sessions too? I'm definitely set for exercise!

Hooray hooray. Just had to post to convey my excitement!

Insert witty title here

I'm sorry about the woe-is-me moan the other night. Not cool. Did appreciate the supportive comments though. I also love it when an acronym in one country stands for another somewhere else, so the other country can have a little giggle :) or just words in general, I mean fanny in America is just a kiddie word for bum, but in England it's... er... well, it's very entertaining when it's voiced in a little American kids' programme. Thus is my dirty mind. Ahem, anyway.

I like this thinspo picture because I swear I have those exact shorts. Well, can't be sure, because the photo's in black and white. Though MY shorts are black and white. Huh... I still relate it to it, alright? Especially because my shorts don't fit that great on me, where as she looks BUFF in hers... so I have hope that as I get skinnier, I'll look more and more like that.

I keep having these evening binges. Last night it was a bowl of cornflakes. I know, I know, it's not really a binge, but when you set yourself these rigid food rules, any extra food feels like massive failure. And it was after 8 o' clock. I hate eating after 8 o' clock. Does anyone know a way to get around this? Gah.

Ricky II is still saying 9 stone 6 lbs in the mornings... I'm getting obsessed so I'm banning myself from weighing myself except in the mornings, or I'm sure I'll break my friend's scales from overuse. They're digital so I feel like they're more accurate somehow - I hoped that at home this bloody 9 stone 6 lbs rut would just be down to my dodgy scales, but nope, my body seems to like being this weight! Urgh. I really need to exercise more. I've got some free gym induction with my friend today and although it's SO CHEAP for a top-standard gym (£20 a month) I really don't think I can afford it, or have that much time to go when term kicks in, which makes me sad. I haven't even got a job yet, but maybe if I get something really awesome-paying and find I have £20 to spare... well, who knows.

Think I might have to switch up the food plan a bit today... may have forgotten to defrost the chicken. How long does chicken take to defrost? Just looked it up on the net - it should probably have been an overnight thing. Ho hum. I'll have to remember tonight then eat it for lunch tomorrow. Lucky it's not a carby meal so it won't affect the scheme of things.

Had some weird dreams about Boy last night... we were all at uni again but he was boying me off majorly, like he wasn't interesed at all, and he looked really weird too, I swear at one point he looked like a fat ugly woman... what's that all about? I woke up and was actually relieved I hadn't seen him yet, and that he DID look like a normal bloke. I think it's about... 8 days or so til he arrives. Why am I counting? Pathetic. I don't even know if I'll see him until Freshers Week, but it will be kind of comforting to have him in the same area for a little while... he's about a 10 minute walk away. Ehh, one can only hope.

Was chatting to Female Housemate about HCF. Turns out she got the raw deal. I'd always thought he was pretty stuck on me, but denied access and he'll swoop anywhere... supposedly FH fell asleep in bed with Male Friend watching TV, at some point Male Friend got up and left, and when FH woke up, HCF WAS LYING NEXT TO HER. Urghhhhhh. (Sorry for all the acronyms, by the way.) She's got a single bed so it must've been COSY. So she pretty much ran out and got one of the boys to remove him, and as he left he was going "I really wanted to kiss her on the mouth... but she got a bit threatening" (HAHA, FH can be VERY intimidating when she wants to be.) So anyway, moral of the story is... HCF is a weirdo. And he seems to be a permanent fixture of our nights out. Oh joy.

Boy, hurry up and protect me?

Q x

I feel sick.

Ricky's back, via my friend's scales. He's not in a good mood. I've put on a pound. 9 stone 7. I don't understand. I've been eating SO MUCH LESS and exercising my life away - how the hell can I have put on weight?? I physically feel sick. I never want to eat again.

I'm so close to tears. It's 2 in the morning and I came back early from clubbing (sigh, that's right, I went out in the end - but no massive drunkenness!) and the house is quiet and I want to throw up. I want to throw up all of the fat on my body. Is that possible?

I'd better lock the door before the others come home and Housemate's creepy friend turns up... this bloke seems to seriously fancy me or something. He freaks me out - a LOT. The last time we went clubbing he was stroking my hand suggestively... so I went to pull away and he CLUNG ON. What in the hell? Tonight he was acting all weird so I was like "oh let's have a hug!" or something and I hugged him (I hug a lot of people) and then he went "I want to kiss you on the mouth." so I went "err, where are my friends!" and ran away. The thought of kissing him on the mouth... VOM VOM VOM.

Ew, Housemate's creepy friend. He keeps popping back up. I'm going to call him HCF for short. Shoo, HCF.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I don't even know why I posted. I just wanted somewhere to vent... and now I feel like I want to go and cry.

Why is this so hard?

Q x

I'm getting organised

<< ONE DAY I WILL LOOK LIKE THAT.

Yesterday I stuck to my food plan pretty well, but I did binge a bit in the evening... had about 3 Alpen bars and more breadsticks with houmous. Urgh. The only good thing I can say is that even when I binge here, it's still healthy bingeing, as I just have no unhealthy stuff in the house for me to eat! Perfect, eh? I was hoping yesterday would come to about 400 calories total but I think with the binge it might have shot to 600... still, that's a hell of a lot less than 2000, so no complaining.

You might have noticed but I've stuck up a food plan. You don't have to care about it, I put it up for myself really, as this is a safe place to document my diet without odd questions from friends ("why aren't you eating more, Q?") Currently it's based on what food is in my house this week. Basic rules of my weekly food plan are - carbs every other day (except they're allowed on Fridays because it's vegetarian day and I don't think I could live on JUST vegetables), Fridays I become a vegetarian, Sunday I do liquid fasts (or try to, at least). A week-long liquid fast helped me look super skinny for my birthday celebrations so it's definitely a good thing to incorporate, and I don't think it's too unhealthy - women do it for a while before getting gastric band surgery as it helps your stomach shrink.

This week's plan does look incredibly lame, it will get more interesting next week... when I get a better variety of food! Speaking of, I was having a gander through my student cookbook yesterday... loooads of non-carby and healthy recipes (plus a whole section on veggie dishes - I plan on going full-on veggie for Lent this year, so that'll definitely come in handy!) so it's definitely gonna help when I'm planning my meals.

Got a whole malarkey of things to sort out today. I have a feeling time's going to drag until everyone comes back from summer holidays and uni starts again. Hooray.

Geez, I really have nothing interesting to talk about these days. You'll be pleased to know that a night out on the town is going to be rejected in favour of sleep this evening, despite the fact all my housemates are going out raving... which means one of my housemates is going to bring back this week's selection of weirdos to have sex in various rooms in our house, ughhh. DEFINITELY locking the door... at least I'll be hidden away so they can't perv on me. Last time one of them started eating our food! Good thing I'm a health freak so drunken randomers might not be TOO attracted by my low-fat houmous and lettuce...

I really really want some scales. Somewhere, Ricky is standing screaming in a shop (possibly with a makeover), waiting for me to purchase him and for him to start ripping into me again... I feel lost when it comes to weight loss (haha, no pun intended) without weighing scales! I haven't even got a tape measure, argh. Tomorrow I'm going shopping!

EDIT: Wow, if you're ever in need of some quickie thinspo, Britain's Next Top Model is the place to go! I was never able to watch it at home (nor America's Next Top Model, which I'm dying to see) but one of my housemates has downloaded Sky TV on to his Xbox and I just caught an episode. Phwoar, these girls are TINY - one of them had a bit of a bum (looked very sexy) and they were slating her for being too fat! One girl even said "she should be a plus-size model" - owch. And I do love staring at Charley Speed - he's such a great-looking model, so unique, and I'm 90% sure he was the male face of New Look going by recognition, but google doesn't seem to register that. Hey ho.

Q x

Back in control!

FINALLY.

Want to hear my food plan for today?

Breakfast - bit of low-fat yoghurt and a cup of coffee
Lunch - few breadsticks with low-fat houmous and an apple
Dinner - little ham salad (with light mayo this time)

(Notice - today is a carb day.)

HUZZAHHH. I love being back at the uni house.

Only downside to it is the fact it's hard to update the blog as we all kind of walk into each other's rooms whenever we feel like it (and many a time I turn around to find someone right by my head) so I'll have to be careful about it. At the moment I'm lying in bed (nice and warm, mmm) - it's about 20 to 10 in the morning.

Oh and other downside - no scales. Erk. How will I know if I'm losing any weight?? I might have to buy my own. How much are weighing scales these days? Who knows.

You know what's totally bizarre? I couldn't find a pyjama top so I slept topless (definitely had to lock the door) and when I got up, I looked in the mirror and I thought I actually looked skinny... how weird. I NEVER think I look skinny when I'm topless; my giant waist fills out the mirror. Guess I'm having a skinny day. Who knows?

Gonna TRY and make room in my room to tackle a workout DVD at some point today... and my usual push-ups/tricep push-ups/crunches. It's funny, my other female housemate was talking about us doing a workout DVD, but we don't have any room... so we reckon we're just going to go out into the hall to do it. Feel sorry for any of the boys if they stumble across us... haha.

Got to clean the house today, too. Much to doooo!

I tried a cup of tea the other day... hmm... not really my cup of tea, if you get my (rather literal) saying. Didn't taste too bad at first but made me feel a bit sick after a while, though I think I put too much sugar in it (not a fan of sweet hot drinks). I'll keep working at it.

Aight, this has been a really lame post... catch ya later.

Q x

I think I drink too much.

Oh, Vanessa Hudgens. I bet a lot of Americans find you annoying, but I love you. I want to BE you. You're so skinny... and you always pop up in fashion magazines because you're so bang-on-trend. You can sing, dance and look HOT.

... Plus, you're engaged to Zac Efron. That's kinda... well, that's a bit... cool, a bit.

He's not a bad-looking boy, is he?

What makes me envy you the most in THIS pic, though, is your waist. I am endlessly jealous of girls who have waists because it is something I lack entirely. Blame my mother for giving me a genetically apple-shaped body. When I put on weight, it goes to my middle. What I would do to be hourglass! I envy pear-shape girls too. They bitch and moan about having massive hips or thighs, but I think they look beautiful with their tiny waists and their child-bearing hips. I bet blokes see that and think - wow.

Apparently, a good waist-to-hip ratio is very important to the opposite sex. It subconsciously says to them, "I'm healthy and I'd be a good mother".

Bugger.

Oh, Vanessa Hudgens, your tiny waist... look at this, I can't stop going on about it. Let's take a closer look at it.



Sighhhh.

Anyway BACK TO MY UNI HOUSE TODAY HOORAH AWAY FROM THE TEMPTATION OF NASTY FOOD. My mum wrote me a shopping list and I was prepared to look at it and go "hmm, will be ignoring that" but it was actually pretty good.

I'm going to invent a new rule. For some reason I'm terrified of carbs. No idea why. I don't know if it even relates to my weight at all. ESPECIALLY bread. I figure it wouldn't be difficult to go a day without carbs (in fact, I try to avoid them as much as possible) - on a foody day, I could have cereal or yoghurt for breakfast, grilled chicken or fish with vegetables for lunch (I like lunch to be my biggest meal), salad or soup for dinner. I don't like eating carbs for dinner anyway. So my new rule is only to eat carbs every other day, and only for lunch or breakfast. And I can only eat carbs for one meal a day. I guess I'd pick lunch... maybe something like jacket potato with a healthy filling. I've taken to scraping out the potato mush and only eating the skin when I eat jacket potatoes these days. The fear of carbs attacks again!!

I'm going to make a horror movie about carbs. FAT GIRL II: REVENGE OF THE CARBS. Blaaaargh, run away from the bread monster!

Haven't faced Ricky yet.

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the title, I went out last night and got massively drunk... seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? True, last night a random guy kept buying me a lot of sambuca so that might have something to do with it, but that's not an excuse. My friend pointed out the other day that a lot of my stories start with "this one time, when I was drunk..."

Pull yourself together, Q. Sort your liver out before it's too late.

Catch ya later

Q x