Weekend break

My parents are whisking me away this weekend, to go and see my auntie and co. I'm looking forward to a bit of a break. I've been so homesick all semester, it'll be nice to see the 'rents. But this means I'll be forced to eat like a normal person... hmm. I guess, when that happens, I don't gain weight, I only maintain, so I might have to sacrifice a weekend's worth of efforts to please the parents. Plus, I have kind of missed non-crappy non-student food.

When I get back, though, it'll be exactly a week til the dance show, so I'm aiming to do a liquid fast. On the day I'll probably eat loads of fresh fruit and veg for energy, but I can survive til then on liquids. The last time I did a week-long liquid fast was before my birthday in August, and that helped me lose weight (at that time, I was fighting to get down from 10 stone, and that helped me reach 9 and a half. How funny that if I saw 9 and a half on the scales today I'd cry, but at the time, it was the best feeling in the world!)

Dance is all manic but it's such good exercise. I've been sweating like mad in every class. Can't wait for the show, though I don't know what I'll do without it. I'll have to hit the gym like mad! Had to take a vid of me dancing today for the dancers in my class so they can practise the routine at home, and I can't work out how I feel about it. Sometimes I was like "wahoo, I look hot!" at other times it was "dear GOD, did my arm just wobble THAT much when I threw it out? Why am I so bulky, too??"

We can never win, can we!

I love how you lot appreciate my British lingo. mags mentioned that she liked it in my last post, and I went through the entire post and couldn't work out what I was saying that was British. Guess I'm not as informed about American words as I thought I was! D'oh. Then RaeLynn said something about the word 'slags' - oh mate, do you not have slags? They're basically like sluts. I don't know the difference. There's 2 netball teams at my uni and one of them is infamous for being full of sluts, and the other is infamous for being full of slags. Eh?? Same thing. Also didn't know Americans don't say 'in the post'. What do you say? In the mail, maybe? I assume you have post offices. And postboxes... right?

Blaagh, I'm rubbish at this.

Anyway - in the morning I'm off to dance with the charity kids again, and then I'm away for the weekend. So might not speak til Tuesday! Big up to everyone. I love you all.

Stay classy,

Q x

Stressed.

Dance show is coming up (along with essay deadline), so here comes the stress. It hasn't really hit me yet, but it will next week. I'm worried it'll bring along with it the munchies - comfort eating might suddenly become something I require. Or it could go the other way, and I might eat even less. Let's hope for the latter!

At least there's no chance of the snow hitting again to mess everything up. The weather at the moment is absolutely GORGEOUS. We rarely get days of decent sunshine, so as soon as the clouds disappear, everyone ditches their coats and next thing you know people are strutting around in tiny shorts and sleeveless tops. I mean, come on... it may be sunny but it's still March. I guess we have to make the most of the sun when it's here. Who knows when it'll next come around?

I even took a picture of the sky on my phone. Tragic. Loooove seeing the deep blue. (Tried to send it to my laptop so I could stick it on this blog, but my blackberry's being crap.)

Went to Zumba this morning, but had to choreograph so wasn't able to make it a gym day. It's been a bit of a dancey day today. My new dance tights arrived in the post, and I was a bit scared as I ordered a small (I am a bit of a midget) and on the back it said that's generally for people who are maximum 5 ft. 3 and 105lbs. 105! You can tell I got it from a dancer site. The lowest it goes is to 90, but if you're anything above 135 you're considered a large. Depressing. Luckily the small fits, but they are stretchy. Aside from that, I watched the latest episode of the programme about the English National Ballet, choreographed and have 3 hours of dance later. Busy dancey day for meee!

Advertising this show has become very... 'come and see it because you know, we're hot girls and we dance around in skimpy things.' It sounds sleazy but it's actually a decent marketing ploy. You'd be surprised. We're planning on handing out flyers in costume, which is already a good way to attract attention to the show but it helps when you're not wearing a lot... humm... which makes us sound like slags, but anyone will know dancers don't wear much when they're dancing anyway! It's not slaggy at all. But it's seriously cranked up the pressure for me. I'm worried I'll look like a heffalump next to the tiny ballet girls. In the Advanced Ballet dance I'd be surprised if there's anyone in there who's above a size 8 (US size 4.) I'm not in the Adv Ballet dance, but I will be dancing alongside these girls in a couple of other numbers. Wish I was thin wish I was thin wish I was thinnnnn.

Try and be thin, Q!

Q x

Bad day for food, good day for CONSCIENCE.

I gave blood today. Sorta decided on a whim, but they were at uni and seeing as I'm a bit weird/masochistic (I loooove injections - I look forward to them!) I thought I would. I've been meaning to for a while anyway. It's something that's always played on my conscience. My mum lost a LOT of blood when she gave birth to me, and if she hadn't had a blood transfusion, she would've died. And I sometimes think how life would have been without her. And to give blood, and be able to make sure another mother survives to bring her daughter up with love and care? Aw man. Pulls my heartstrings.

I went with M, and she's given blood a few times before but is quite squeamish and can't really look. I find it all pretty fascinating. I don't like to look when they put the needle in, but I like looking at the needle in my arm - it's pretty massive, strangely. You'd think it'd hurt more. I also like looking at my blood collecting in the bag and thinking wow, that's MY blood. How often do you get to see so much outside the body? Hopefully not too often. The tube was touching my thumb, too, and it was really warm. I just found the whole thing interesting.

I had to do a weird test beforehand to make sure I didn't have sickle blood cells or something (they test anyone who's mixed-race) but that came out ok. I have super-blood. Lots of iron. Maybe it's because I don't get periods? So I don't lose a whole lot every month. I dunno.

Anyway, they make you eat loads of biscuits and sugary stuff afterwards so you don't keel over, so today was a bad food day, but that's ok. I feel like it's a legitimate excuse. I want to be able to replace that pint of blood pretty quickly. I think my health gets the priority today.

Chuffed! Sorry, I feel on a bit of a high after all that.

Did cram in some decent tap dancing, so at least I got a bit of exercise. Ahem. One of my seminars has been cancelled tomorrow so I might try and squeeze in a gym sesh inbetween my first seminar and dance. If not, deffo Wednesday morning. Zumba! Haven't been in ages.

Found out today that M's about 12 stone. She was feeling faint after the blood session, and had to lie down. The woman asked her how much she weighed, and she was all "I don't know." The woman said "I really need to know." She went "err... about 12 stone, I guess."

M doesn't look that much bigger than me, so it's weird thinking she weighs 3 stone more. She's only a dress size bigger. Guess she has big bones? Still... 12 stone is 168 pounds? I bet a couple of my male housemates weigh about that much. Like A. Her BMI would be... 26.3. She said that when we got weighed at the gym back in September her BMI was only just in the healthy range? That's classed as overweight. Maybe she's put on weight since then.

I'm sort of reeling from it. I'm hating myself enough for weighing more than 125 lbs. I don't know what I'd do if I got to 168. She complains about the size of her boobs, and the doctors tell her to lose weight and see if it goes down. But... she can't be bothered. She eats a lot of crap. But she goes to the gym loads. She always says, we're not pushing obesity, so why waste life dieting? Which is a good attitude. But still... I dunno. I'm torn as to how to feel about that. I feel guilty even mentioning it on blogger. She's big-boned. I'm not. I keep forgetting we're different people.

Hmm.

Q x

Damn pastry

Binged yesterday. Nooo. Had a nap at about 4 in the afternoon and woke up absolutely starving. Was full-on craving pastry and hit a point where I couldn't fight it, so I bought some cheese and onion pasty thing, plus crackers and houmous, plus chocolate munchie things. Nooooo. Too scared to weigh myself, and I don't even have time to go to the gym today because I need to get cracking with an essay.

Bah.

Thankfully, my weight so far has stayed stable at 9 stone 1, which cheers me up as I reckon this means it's my normal weight now, and wasn't just a fluke due to being dehydrated or something. I feel like that's given me a solid base to work off of - can only get lower from here.

At least I got some good exercise yesterday morning. Had a really cool dance class - my troupe are working with a charity who tends to kids that are kind-of underprivileged so they can discover new things in life, and I led a street dance class with about 10 of them (plus some of my girls who were there for support.) They were these proper little chavvy kids and at first I thought 'ooer' but by the end they were looking awesome! I was so proud. They picked up a really tricky routine so quickly (I suck at choreographing for beginners), and the guy who works for the charity was gushing with joy. I felt smug. He was even banging on about us taking part in a big show with the charity in October which involves some huge international star who he couldn't even reveal or security would cost too much, and we'd be on stage dancing with them. We went off speculating who it could be. He talked about Jessie J a lot, so we thought it might be her.

Oh man, to dance on stage with Jessie J! If you haven't heard of her, she's this girl in the UK who's absolutely blown up overnight. Her debut album is meant to be pretty awesome. This is her first song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOf3kYtwASo .

Her body is pretty smoking. She's so toned! And her legs are endless. She's kind of got an androgynous look with her really strong jaw, which is hot.

Shouldn't jump to conclusions. It could be someone I've never even heard of, haha.

Went out last night too. Another good night at the student nightclub sober. Who knew! Gives me hope. We did cops and robbers and I was a cop - managed to keep my handcuffs intact and my hat in my possession at the end of the night, so that's definitely a triumph. Normally these things get ripped apart/stolen by randomers. I felt pretty hot, and my dance girls said I looked good. Hoooray.

Bought some vitamin tablets yesterday. Figured that if I want my body to stay cushti on a mad restrictive diet, vitamins might help to keep my skin and hair looking all good. They say 'food supplements' on them so that's got to be good. What's the worst that can happen? It instructs you to pop one a day so I'll do that and it should keep my body in check.

Awright, back to my boring day of work...

Q x

Things and being versatile and other things and all that.

Sober bar crawl was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. Everyone was completely mashed and either shoving me around or just ignoring me because they were in their own little drunken worlds. Normally I wouldn't mind a bit as I'd be in my own drunken world too, or making friends with strangers, but from a sober perspective, it sucked. Really sucked. I couldn't help wondering if people thought I looked like a bit of a prude, not drinking on a bar crawl? I bet a few people might have seen me with my water/Red Bull and thought 'why is she here?' It was quite funny though - any time someone asked me why I wasn't drinking, I'd put on a deadpan face and tell them I was pregnant. For a split second they'd stare at me in horror/confusion/just look awkward, before I burst out laughing and told them I was kidding.

The bars were bad enough, but being at the end club was worse - everyone was dispersing off so easily and I felt a bit lost. So I went home really, really early, on my own, and just watched tv for a while. I did eventually go to bed, but was interrupted when my housemate, C, staggered into my room muttering complete nonsense and passed out in my bed. Didn't really know what to do with him, so I just let him sleep and attempted to get some of the duvet back. That was quite funny too. He was chatting complete rubbish throughout the night.

Feeling a bit weird about HotGuns? HG. Can't work out how I feel about him. He was chatting to my friend L an awful lot (the girl I'm living with next year) and she's quite a bubbly, up-for-it girl... she's not particularly pretty but she's fun and has a nice figure and is currently sleeping with R (another one of my housemates) and doesn't take herself seriously and is, er, a bit easy. I don't care if HG shags every girl under the sun but if he got with her... that'd really annoy me. I guess it's because she never stops going on about the boys she sleeps with, and if she got with him I wouldn't be able to stomach her talking about him all the time. How stupid! I have no claim on him. People would say dumb things like "HG is staring at you loads" or "why haven't you slept with HG yet?" but I notice stupid girl-conscious things like how when he talks to L, he puts his hands on her waist, but he doesn't touch me when he talks to me. Erghh. I just couldn't help hoping he'd be the one to sleep in my bed that night, not C. Ah shutup Q. Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm rambling and being confusing and using lots of letters for names so kudos to you if you got through that and understood it. Kudos to you if you could even be bothered to read it.

Back to the important stuff!

I caved and had a packet of crisps yesterday, so I'm re-doing 200 today. Just had a smoothie and a coffee so far (and that'll probably be it). It's about 10 past 2 in the afternoon. Nice sunny day! Feels like summer.

Really really praying to stay down in the low 9 stone category. 9 stone 1 is perfect for me at the mo. If I get to 9 stone I'll cry with relief, and if I get below... I'm buying a new outfit!

I've noticed a lot of people doing this versatile blogger thing. I'm pretty rubbish at things like this but as I've been awarded a couple of times, I'll do it. Be warned though - most of the people I will award will no doubt have already been awarded, as I don't follow that many blogs, but at least it brings them to any unsuspecting reader's attention. You might discover a blog you really love! So.

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honour onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

ver·sa·tile
adj.
1. Capable of doing many things competently.
2. Having varied uses or serving many functions.
3. Variable or inconstant; changeable.
4. Biology Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached another of a flower

So... 7 things about me? That you don't already know? This is a tough one...

1. I'm very ambitious. I'd love to see myself as the editor of British Vogue one day. Or at least the editor of a mainstream magazine. My realistic aspiration is to end up a Features Editor. I'd be very, very happy with that. For someone that asked - that is what I want to go into in life. I'm not sure about journalism itself - I'm a writer, and journalistic writing seems to be very... straightforward. I don't think it takes a lot of creative thought. You know what I mean? Read a newspaper, and it's very blunt and to-the-point, as that's what people want to see. But a lot of features or entertaining articles in magazines are well thought-out and opinionated, and that's my style. I'd love to be a columnist. At this point, I can keep throwing myself into as much as I can - I head the dance troupe, I host a radio show and I'm running for Fashion Editor of the student newspaper for next year. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I also want to be a respected novelist. I'm really, really cocky about my writing. I got a place on a Creative Writing course where 400 people applied and only 15 people were accepted, and that was based on a small writing portfolio, like a couple of short stories. It was my moment of triumph. I didn't even take it! I wanted to go to uni instead. I have no regrets; that was more for my ego than anything else.

Wow, 1 was huge.

2. I like to be on my own. I have slight stranger fear too. I feel awkward passing strangers on the street. I feel worse if it's a person I know - I can't deal with small talk. I sound a bit like a social retard here, but I promise I'm not that bad. This is all in my head. I don't think anyone would guess this from bumping into me on the street, though I sometimes pretend not to see people when I've seen them just to avoid the small talk, or sometimes I won't see someone right in front of my nose because I'm lost in my thoughts! What a loser.

3. Pigeons freak me out. I can't even go near them, which is annoying as they're always in the way these days.

4. Er... I can drive? Doesn't seem to be a strange fact but the amount of people I meet who can't drive seems to be soaring these days. I know in a lot of countries they only drive automatics, but we all drive stick-shift here. The British driving test is the most difficult to pass in the world - I didn't pass first time, sadly. Nearly did, but accidentally smashed up the wing mirror. Woops! If that isn't a major I don't know what is! I really, really love driving. I love the feel of it. I had a really old car and it was so fun to drive, but as my parents got me newer cars it got less fun, as the accelerator was so sensitive and the gear stick practically moved around on its own. I like driving to be hard work.

5. I used to hate speaking on the phone, but I've had to make a lot of important phone calls as part of my responsibilities at uni and I think I've gotten over it. I still find it hard to understand people on the phone, sometimes, though. Like my sister. No idea what she's saying half the time.

6. My dad is the cleverest man I've ever met. He raised us on classical music and is constantly spewing out history lectures. He even used to teach us binary maths at breakfast when we were kids. How cruel is that?? The few hours of salvation we had from school and he brought learning into it! I love him, though. He knows EVERYTHING. You can ask him absolutely anything and he'll spin it into a lecture. He also had a cool life - every time he talks about his life, I learn something new - a new place he was in, new people he interacted with. He's a writer too and he's got a lot of scope to work with. I wish I did - I haven't come across many really interesting characters in my life. He's charming and chilled-out, but has guts. He's generally an awesome man. I'd love to marry a bloke like him.

7. I sound really gaggy and pretentious when I talk about myself. Like, now.

Ok, 10 people. Not necessarily 10 people I'm awarding as I'm sure they'd have already been awarded, but 10 blogs I love. In no particular order!

1. mags at 'Non Merci'
2. Ariana at 'A Thin Journey'
3. Almost.Skinny at 'Almost Skinny Vegan'
4. RaeLynn at 'Light of Foot, Strong of Heart'
5. miss alisha at 'We Move By Instinct Darling'
6. erin_d at 'Thinspiration Pictures'
7. amy at 'the quest for a skinny me'
8. Alice D/Bree at 'Hopes for Hipbones'
9.
10.

... I told you I don't follow many blogs! Ooer. At least, none of the others that I apparently follow on my dashboard have posted really in the last month or so, so I assume they're 'dead' blogs, so to speak.

Oh well! Check the ones I named! They're all really awesome.

S'laters,

Q x

Let-down

1 round of the SGD, finito. Today we're back at 200. I think I might have overeaten a bit yesterday. I was comfort-eating because I got some frustrating news. I wanted to go to Malaysia in the summer to see my family, but I found out yesterday that my exams fall right into the middle of our planned trip. Which SUCKS. I already missed out last year because of exams, and I'd HATE to miss out again. My family would be so, so upset. I'm going to speak to the English dept. today to see if I can reschedule and take my exams in August or something, along with people doing the resits. This isn't just a holiday for me - it's incredibly important I go, and I can't bear the thought of having to miss out for another year. Arghhh.

They were even gonna arrange a trip to Thailand. When would I ever have the chance/money to fly all the way to Thailand again? To go from Malaysia to Thailand is cheap as chips. They ferry across just to go to Boots, fgs. To from England to Thailand is EXPENSIVE. It's one of the most expensive holidays you can take.

I think it's unlikely that they'll let me take my exams at any other time. But it's annoying because I don't WANT to be at uni for that long. I wanted my exams to be done nice and early so I could go home nice and early. I hate the fact they're dragging out. Ugh, I feel sick.

Exercise has been pretty bad this week too. Haven't done any extra around the daily dancing. Remember I told you about my pro-dancer friend who's gotten really hot? She writes statuses like - "8am - 5pm day, absolutely exhausted - off to the gym now!" She never stops. I admire her so much. I wish it was summer, as I'd be much more inclined to go to the gym after lectures if I didn't have to walk there and back in the dark and the freezing cold. Go away, horrible March!

Feel wubbish.

Got a bar crawl tonight. First one sober. I've got the all-clear to write a piece about my teetotal efforts for the student paper (plus expand it into more of a piece about alcohol in a student lifestyle in general), so I'm enjoying looking at all from a journalistic perspective. I really want to interview some complete teetotallers to ask how their student experience is, but it's hard to find any!

Ok, plan for today. Coffee. Maybe a smoothie. That could probably be enough, tbh. I might invest in a bread roll right before I go out because last time I drank red bull on an empty stomach I had cramps all night, which sucked. Ho hum.

Catch you later,

Q x

EDIT: After publishing this post, I went to Ricky - still 9 stone 1! Yessss! Only 2 lbs away from being in the 8 stone category again! I can't wait...

Gym dayze

Cheeky surprise at the gym this morning. Spotted scales in the corner - "oh woah, are those scales? I didn't know we had them..."
M - "yeah let's keep on walking though..."
I jumped on them for a laugh - 9 stone 1! Whaaat? I think they might be badly aligned but I'M HOPING NOT. I'm hoping they're deadly accurate.

Gym session was really good. Didn't do that much cardio (only about 20 minutes on cross-trainer and 20 on treadmill) but burnt off about 400 calories on those, and then went to the studio to stretch/dance/do strength exercises so might've burnt off an extra 50 - 100 cals through that (I did work up quite a sweat.) True to my word, I stretched my little heart out. I'm feeling quite chuffed as one stretch I normally reeeally struggle with is the one where you have to sit on the floor with your legs together straight out in front of you and touch your toes, but today I managed to get my head on my knees with a bit of pushing. Hoorah for my hamstrings! Still no splits yet, though. Bah. I should mention that naturally (probably genetically) I'm a really, really inflexible person so it takes a lot of work to get anywhere. I've been trying to do the splits for about 6 years now and haven't been getting very far. I also know I'll never have the hip alignment to be able to do box splits, but that's something I've gloomily accepted. Never mind! With a bit of hard work, great things can be achieved.

On the plus side, a video of us dancing from the competition has gone up on Facebook and seeing as the costumes were essentially skimpy things like a leotards and corsets and fishnets, I don't look too fat! Although I never noticed how much of a midget I am.

Food has also been a suitable 200 day, I think. All I've eaten today has been coffee, half a bread roll and a hot chocolate. No idea of the exact amounts, but this kicks off the 2468 properly - tomorrow my plan is maybe coffee again, in the morning, followed by soup when I get to uni in the afternoon and something small to sustain me through dance - not really sure what yet, maybe a cereal bar or something. Then in the evening I'm going to watch the uni's jazz band perform (they're really, really good) which I'm excited about. Looks like it could be another successful day!

Until tomorrow...

Q x

Dance dance

Went to a dance competition yesterday. I don't know how we did but I doubt we won anything - we were against some seriously good dance schools where you have to audition to get in (unlike us - we treat it all as a bit of fun.) But watching some of the dancers from the other groups was seriously motivating! All it's made me want to do is get thinner, stronger, better. These girls were tiny and incredible dancers. I want to be that! I know I'll be in dancing for at least another year so by this time next year, I want to be like them. I'll keep going to dance (obv) and will stretch every day either at the gym or at home, plus go to lots of fitness classes to work on things like my core strength. I also need to get to a point where I can hold my own body weight with my arms (for stuff like crabs) so I'll do arm exercises and push-ups. Losing weight will help with that!

I've also been stalking my dancer friend who goes to one of the best dance schools in the country - graduating from it almost guarantees you a place in the West End, plus even the students (including her) have the chances to go to all kinds of celebrity parties and dance at events like the Royal Variety just because the school is so established - and she's looking in such great shape these days. She doesn't even want to become a dancer when she's older (I think going to this school has made her realise she's not as good as she needs to be, even though she's generally pretty amazing) but she's been plunged into this world and is so motivated and healthy all the time. Training as a dancer means she doesn't have all the unhealthy setbacks like I do, like drinking all the time (she has to go to bed at 8 o' clock after an exhausting day to wake up and start it all again at 6 in the morning) and bad eating, and she's never looked better. I'm going to be like her.

It's going downnn.

Yesterday was also my first sober night out... surprisingly good! I didn't even really realise I wasn't as drunk as I normally was or that other people around me were really drunk and I wasn't. It just seemed like a normal night out. I drank lots of red bull which gave me loads of energy to go nuts on the dance floor with my drunken friends. Good thing I'm not generally a self-conscious person, or being sober would be horrendous. Makes me happy, as it makes me think I don't NEED to drink on nights out any more. Maybe, after Lent, I'll only drink if I feel like I need to - like if I feel like I'm not having a good night already and a shot might chill me out a bit. It's always been such a thing to do with no hesitation, but Lent is teaching me I have the power to hesitate. My body will thank me!

Sorry for my ranty post the other day. Ugh, cringe. I need to stop being so bitter at my friends for small reasons - I put it down to being stressed and thus irritable. I get bitter at L (other friend who I'm living with next year) very easily too, and I think it's because I'm being over-sensitive. I need to get back to chilled-out, fun-lovin' Q. After the dance show coming up I think I'll be OK. No more stresses! Gives me a bit of time to focus on meee.

I hate ranty posts. They're like drunken texts - you read over them and you're not sure if you were in your right mind.

Food hasn't been good as of late, but the comp yesterday has given me fresh motivation and it's hard work from here. I know I aaaalways say this but I really want it to work this time. The aspiration to be a better dancer is helping with the motivation for weight loss. I can't wait to go to the gym today.

Been reading up on all your posts and loving them as usual! Apologies for generally being crap at commenting and all that. Know that I'm silently supporting you massively. I'm just bad at comments, ha.

Big lovin'

Q x

Feeling pissy.

2468 day 1 was a massive fail because I had to sit there starving hungry and endure my friends all eating sandwiches and whatnot, and I caved and BINGED. I did go to a fitness class in the evening though. Body Balance it was called - combination of yoga, pilates and Tai Chi (I feeelt very stupid doing the Tai Chi part) and it was a good workout. M got pissy when she found out I went and didn't ask her along. Ugh. Am I not allowed to do anything on my own? Do people forget I actually LIKE my own company and therefore choose to be in it? Pisses me off.

She's been pissing me off all day really, she's just been in a sour mood and all ooooh I'm-so-much-better-than-Q. She started going on about the house we've got for next year - which we unanimously loved when we signed for it - and saying we only chose it because me and L were fussy. And she wishes it was closer to other people. When it's in a PRIME location, very near to uni. Boo hoooo, M, might you have to get up off your arse and actually take an extra couple of steps to get anywhere? Shame.

Her face when I said I went to a fitness class without her. Why should she assume she has to come with me? She's always like this. I'm sick of feeling so tied down to people. I HATE being tied down. I can't wait to leave uni and move on without the old baggage, as I always do. New days. I always seem to end up with some clingy friend who can't handle the idea that I don't love them as much as they love me. Right now I'm dealing with M here AND B at home. I feel like I'm in weird relationships with them. Frustrating. Don't like it. I suppose B's more the extreme - she had a panic attack in the middle of the night when I was with Boy and she thought we might get together and I'd therefore spend less time talking to her - but the principle's the same.

I remember speaking to Boy once and he told me he wasn't looking forward to this year as he was living with a load of boys who were already on his course, and he thought he'd get sick of them or didn't want to spend all his time hanging around with the same people or whatever. I don't think I really sympathised at the time, but now I do. L does both my course AND dance, and M is going on about joining dance just because both her housemates will be in it, and even said "oh I'm sooo picking all the modules you do, Q" (she's already on my course) and I'm starting to panic. I might be driven insane. Or worse, we'll have a massive fall-out. And whilst last year whenever we fell out we snapped back together because we realised how much we loved each other, next year I might just get so sick of them both and move out or something.

I need a boyfriend. I need a DISTRACTION.

I will get out of this bad mood soon, and remember that I love my mates and that I need to stop being such a dick, but I'm in a ranty mood right now.

I hope this is PMS. Would explain the binge, too.

Bleghehghkjskjdaslj!

I'm thinking now how much easier next year would be if I had a boyfriend. I don't really have time for one now, but I feel like next year I'd have less time in lectures and stuff (plus won't take so many dance classes) and it'd just be a nice touch to have. Who is there, though? Maybe one of my current housemates. Wouldn't be weird to shack up if we're not living together, right? UGH, no, would definitely still be VERY weird.

I'd better start the hunt for potentials... sigh, Hot Guy From London, where are youuu?

Q x

Returns

Thinking of going back to the 2 4 6 8. I seem to get all these happy plans in my head about restricting and then fail because I just cave and think, 'god, I want a chocolate bar' or something. It's always around dance-time too (evening) so my dance friends must think I'm a right pig. The 2 4 6 8 works for me as I feel like it's an outside force controlling me - like I CAN'T break out of these rules. I might do what the SGD does too, so if by some horrible unavoidable circumstance I break out and go over my limit, I have to then burn off every single excess calorie in cardio. I like the 2 4 6 8, I really appreciate the gradual increase. It's like what Alisha says about it - you don't have to feel too bad for avoiding a certain type of food if it's too calorific, as you'll probably get the chance to eat it over the next couple of days anyway.

So, 200 tomorrow. Coffee, soup, apple. Standard. And whenever I buy soup they always ask if I want a bread roll with it (and I always say yes), so this time - NO. Not allowed!

Oh my god, check out these. I saw them in Cosmo.

http://www.withings.com/en/bodyscale

A set of scales that TWEETS your weight after you step on to them. Oh my god! As if Ricky couldn't get any crueller! I quote Cosmo: 'motivating or just excruciating?' They've put it under their 'So Wrong' category, so I guess they assume excruciating, but it's definitely motivating... imagine putting on a pound and having EVERYONE on your friend list know it, so they'd even look at you differently if they saw you, perhaps. God, that's definite motivation. I'd probably never eat again.

Had a really poor gym session today. Just felt so unmotivated. At least I went to Zumba last night, so I don't feel too bad. Haven't got much time to exercise over the next couple of days, but I might squeeze in a workout on Friday evening before my competition on the Saturday. Have to be up and at uni at 6.30 in the morning, ugh. I'd want to shower that morning too so I'm thinking 4.30 - 5am rise. Can hardly wait...

I'm considering the idea of becoming a 6am jogger when my gym membership runs out. I can't bear the thought of doing no exercise, and I like the idea of being bright and awake that early. I'd have to wait until I get some decent running shoes, though - if I get my parents to buy me some over Summer, I can start it then. I'd save it for the Summery months only - doing it in the dark is plain dangerous in the Wintry months. Can I fathom the idea of getting up that early by choice? We'll see!

Over and out,

Q x

:(

"HAHA, bitch, suck on this!" (Ricky)

9 stone 4. Are you kidding me? I've lost nothing? How hard can 2 stinking pounds be to lose? In a week??

I'm annoyed. But I know what this means - I'm eating too much. I was going to actually eat some pancakes today, but now I might not bother. Everyone's excited about Pancake Day, and I know M will probably try to force me into it, but I might find a way to get round it. I'll say I feel really sick or something. I don't deserve pancakes.

Goddddd. How annoying.

On the plus side, the sun is shining! For the third day! It's still March and it's still freezing, but that doesn't stop us pretending it's Summer and going round in t-shirts and whatnot. You know what I love about England? The colour the sky goes when it's cloudless. It's this really thick, deep blue. I haven't seen that colour outside of Europe, though I know it probably exists in a lot of countries. In Malaysia it's kind of pale and watery. Not nearly as awesome as this. I bet you get it in places like California. Or the Caribbean! I want a holiday now...

Pondering over what to eat today. I might just not really eat anything. The weigh-in's put such a dampener on my morning I don't know if I have the willpower to. I've got another busy day, so if I've even got TIME to eat is the real question.

Sigh. Will probs be back later for the updates.

Q x

Rock your body

Voila. Moi.

ERGH.

As you can probably tell, I've really got the apple-thing going on. I like my legs and arms. My legs are actually pretty toned, though you can't tell from the hazy little Blackberry pics. It's just my MIDDLE. I'm hoping the belly will go with this no-alcohol thing - I used to have a fairly flat stomach before I came to uni, then I got a little beer pouch. But just generally, my entire middle needs work. I blacked out my face in the side pic as you could see a little too much of it.

I'd love to post pics of me as the mad hatter, but none of them have gone up on Facebook yet - at least, not the full-length ones of me. The only way I'd be able to get them is off Facebook too, and I dunno... I'm a bit funny about posting pictures of me that are CLEARLY me. So if someone who had seen me on that night, or has seen that photo, stumbled across this, they'd know it was me. It would be solid, rock-hard proof. I wouldn't be able to deny it. I hide my name, I hide what part of the country I'm from (I vaguely say North and South) - posting a picture is a huge deal for me, but not that many people have seen me in my underwear so they wouldn't even be able to clearly say "that's you." If I put a picture up of an outfit I've worn that's a photo of me on Facebook with my name tagged and my face clearly in it... the idea scares me. It's not just people would disapprove of what I'm doing food-wise, but I've spilled my feelings into this blog and I wouldn't want people to be able to associate that with me. So I'm cautious.

Shame, coz from what I remember, I looked pretty skinny in those photos.

Everyone's Lents seem really exciting, but the fact a lot of people are giving up meat is slightly worrying - when you get to a certain age, cutting out something like meat could be very dangerous for your body. I spoke to a woman at uni who did it and she nearly died, she had all sorts of gastric problems. Vegetarians can't suddenly incorporate meat into their diet (M accidentally had a bit of chicken once and her stomach was unsettled for the day) - when your bodies adjust to a certain way of eating, you have to kind of wean yourself into another way. Children tend to be ok, but it's harder for adults. I wanted to give up meat for Lent in honour of M until I heard all the horror stories - so if you're giving it up, I urge you, don't just suddenly cut it out! Wean yourself out.

It's my weigh-in tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'll be at 9 stone 2. I'm praying! Fingers crossed. I don't feel like I've worked as hard as I could've, though. I was going to have a liquid fast today and I caved and got a sausage sarnie. Ugh! Those little slips are the stuff that make me keep the pounds on. Time to be getting them OFF.

At least I have pics of a before-and-after shot when I get skinny! Wahoooo.

I'm doing the 30 day song challenge on Facebook - each day you have to post a certain song on your Facebook depending on what it asks (i.e. Day 1 is post your favourite song.) I might do it on here too. My favourite song? Has to be Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake. It never gets skipped on the iPod! Classic tuuuune.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Mu8MrCR5pQ

Q x

Updates

Sorry I haven't been updating very much. Life is getting BUSY AGAIN. Ugh. When will I be free? I don't like busy-ness, as this means there isn't much time for exercise. Yesterday I spent 5 hours dancing though, so that can't be bad. My troupe are going to a competition next week, so we've been rehearsing a lot. I'm really excited, though it's been stressful having to organise it all.

Food... well, it hasn't been horrendous, but it hasn't been great either. But from today, no alcohol will pass my lips for a while, so I'm hoping that'll make a difference. My personal Lent starts tomorrow, but I had my last night out last night (and made the most of my last night of drinking!) and I doubt I'll get wasted on a Sunday. I'm getting nervous as to whether I'll even enjoy nights out without the booze or whether I'll just feel self-conscious and annoyed at all the drunkards, but at least I'll save a ton of money.

Did have a good night last night, ha. We had an Alice in Wonderland -themed social and I went as the mad hatter. I borrowed my friend's Willy Wonka outfit (a purple velvet jacket/top thing with tail-coat bits and a top hat) and maddened it up a bit (including backcombing my entire head) and I thought I looked pretty awesome. The outfit was flattering too! We got some full-length pics and for once I'm not dreading seeing them! Huzzah.

I really should go to the gym today, but it's looking like it could be a day of staying in bed and watching Take Me Out. Proper trash tv! Lovin' it. This is another thing I won't miss - the mornings after!

I need to get focused again with the restricting. All I've had today are some grapes, and I'm very limited on food at the mo, so I might just stick to fruit and coffee.

Not sure what else to say, so I'll leave you with an advert I keep seeing on the telly that freaks me out a bit. IMAGINE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CcxJQq1x8&sns=fb

Jog on, kitties!

Q x

100th post!

Chatted to the Rick-meister this morning. Awriiight, 9 stone 4. So! By next Tuesday I will be 9 stone 2. Max. WAR CRY.

Big up to RaeLynn - she just lost 9 lbs in a week! Daaamn, that's some good work right there!

Still testing out the lactose intolerant thing... today I had no dairy and my stomach was cool. Until I had a coffee in the evening (with soya milk), which has made me start to wonder if it's caffeine, not dairy. So confused! Maybe I'll eat something dairy tomorrow but have no coffee and see what happens. I haven't been getting the weird stomach gurgles I get sometimes after I eat, but I have been getting cramps. I really really hope it's the dairy thing. I'd HATE to give up coffee.

Ok! So how to make my 100th post special? I'm going to ramble about myself, so I'm going to fill out one of those little quiz things just for YOU, lovely followers. Speaking of, only TWO more followers and you get to see my body. Crikey! I took a practice photo this morning and it was awful, but it must be done.

So, questions and answers.

1. Were you named after anyone?
No. I'm not gonna say my real name, but my dad named me and he just said he thought it was a nice name. It's quite uncommon, which I like. My middle name is after my cousin, though, because she begged when I was born. Considering she was probably about 15 at the time, it's sweet that my parents agreed.

2. When was the last time you cried?
Probably yesterday. I've been crying a lot recently due to homesickness. How tragic! If not yesterday, maybe the other day after I got drunk. Ahh, the alcohol-induced emotion!

3. Do you like your handwriting?
Very much! It's nice and neat.

4. What is your favourite lunch meat?
I'm gonna say chicken? I love chicken wraps. I could probably live off them.

5. Do you have kids?
Hell no! Gimme 10 years or so?

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Hmm. Maybe in the short term. I say that because I tend to get bored of friends and drop them as time goes by for new ones. How bad is that? I don't agree with the statement "friend for life", because I'm convinced I'll drop them after a while. But in the short term, I'm pretty cool. Though I can be a bit antisocial and want to be on my own a lot which close friends find annoying sometimes. Maybe I just have clingy friends?

7. Do you use sarcasm?
No. That was sarcasm. I do.

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
I do! It's pretty rare to not have them in this generation, isn't it? They seem a bit pointless, though.

9. Would you bungee jump?
Definitely not. It looks horrible. I'd skydive, though. That looks amazing.

10. What's your favourite cereal?
That changes a lot. I'd say my alltime favourite is branflakes. So good!

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
The only shoes I wear with laces are dance shoes... if they're jazz shoes/trainers, then no. If they're tap shoes, yes! It's the only way to get them off.

12. Favourite kind of cheese?
Goat's cheese or feta for one-off treats. Generally speaking, I eat cheddar, though. Or Red Leicester, which is a babe of a cheese.

13. What is your favourite ice cream?
It used to be coconut, but if I want to eat an ice cream on its own, it's got to be Haagen Dazs Pralines & Cream. Haven't tried it? Get on it.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
I couldn't say. I guess, EVERYTHING. Hair, clothes, face, the whole package.

15. Red or pink?
Both!

16. What is your least favourite thing about yourself?
My body, haha. It's funny - I copied and pasted this survey from when I filled it out a couple of years ago, and my response then was "I don't have enough faith in myself." Which is strange because these days I think I have a bit TOO much faith in myself. I have a bit of an ego when it comes to future prospects. I'm glad that's changed, though. Better to be ambitious than to be self-doubtful.

17. Who do you miss the most?
Right now, my parents. How lame is that! I'm just homesick. I want the pressure taken off. I want to be looked after again.

18. What colour trousers and shoes are you wearing?
Black leggings and black dolly shoes.

19. What are you listening to right now?
90210 on in the background!

20. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Strange question... I think something bold like red or blue.

21. Favourite smell?
Vanilla. And man smell! Man smell is so good, though I'm sick of Paco Rabanne's One Million as two of my housemates wear it and it seems to be floating around all the time. I never even liked it that much in the first place - I'm a fan of Joop Jump. I recently smelt that Hugo Boss fragrance that Ryan Reynolds promotes (I wanna say Boss Bottled?) but the 'night' version, as a free sample in a magazine, and it was GORGEOUS.

22. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My mum, this morning. She phoned because I'd said on the phone to my dad a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling fluey. Bit slow on the uptake, Mum, but it's nice to know you care.

23. Favourite sports to watch?
None. I should like football as my whole house is obsessed with it, but I don't. Though rugby is entertaining to watch. And all the men are hot!

24. Hair colour?
Really really dark brown. Bordering on black.

25. Eye colour?
Dark brown.

26. Do you wear contacts?
I did once, when I wanted to change my eye colour. I'd go blue for fun! It was nice because I have pretty poor eyesight generally (one eye is long-sighted and one is VERY short-sighted, plus I have astigmatism and need to wear glasses for reading), and these lenses were corrective too so I could see properly for a while. If I ever get told I have to wear glasses permanently I'll go for contacts.

27. Favourite food?
There's too many... a really gorgeous snack for me is crackers with houmous.

28. Scary movies or happy endings?
Neither! If I had to choose, scary films. They're fun to watch with a big group of friends (and maybe a hot boy you can snuggle up to when it gets a bit too scary!)

29. Last movie you watched?
V for Vendetta. It wasn't at all what I was expecting, but it was really good. Natalie Portman's English accent wasn't too bad. Wish I could say the same for Don Cheadle's accent in Ocean's Eleven (the film I watched before that) - horrible, horrible, horrible. I find when a lot of American actors try to put on English accents they come across as South African.

30. What colour top are you wearing?
Grey.

31. Summer or winter?
I like both, but Summer definitely has the edge. The sun puts me in a good mood, and I have some fond memories from Summer.

32. Hugs or kisses?
Both!

33. Favourite dessert?
Banoffee pie! Or sticky toffee pudding. Anything toffee-related.

34. What book are you reading now?
I read an awful lot for my course. Currently it's an African book called 'A Grain of Wheat', about Kenyan independence.

35. What is on your mouse pad?
I don't have a mouse pad, come on, what year are we in... haha

36. What did you watch on tv last night?
Glee! I watched it with the boys and they were wanting to kill themselves, though one of them enjoyed singing along to all of the songs. They sat even more masculinely than usual to justify the fact they were watching Glee.

37. Favourite sounds?
I love the sound of water trickling. I also like the crispy kind of sound paper makes in films or tv shows.

38. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Definitely the Beatles!

39. What is the farthest away you've ever been from home?
Probably Malaysia. Yeah, doesn't get much further than that.

40. Do you have a special talent?
Not really. How depressing.

41. Where were you born?
A little town in Surrey, England. I went back there to take my driving test, even driving past the hospital where I was born, which was strange.

42. Is the cup half full or half empty?
Depends. If you fill it up in front of me, but only fill it halfway, it's half full. If you fill it to the top and then drink half, it's half empty. HA, I beat that stupid question.

43. If you could sit down to dinner with 5 people, who would you choose?
Ooh. Derren Brown, for one, because he's such an interesting person and I'd want him to hypnotise me and do something cool. One of the Royals, too, maybe Prince Harry as he's the young eligible bachelor of the family. Chace Crawford or someone equally beautiful! Shakespeare, if we could go back in time. And... someone I love, like a member of my family or a close friend.

Q x