Lots to say

Feel like I could ramble for hours.

The trip to see my friend was nice - but man, when she said she wanted to feed me up, she really meant it. Do you guys ever find, after restricting for a while, you find it weird how much other people eat? Like, how much they NEED to eat. I've always had a small stomach but I think it's bizarre when what I'd happily call a meal, they think of as a snack and are hungry again in an hour or two. Mad.

My friend H was there and oh god, she's walking thinspiration. She's just so TINY. I forgot how utterly crap I feel in her presence, even if I'm feeling small myself. Even my legs, which I'm proud of for being thin, look mammoth next to hers. Ugh. She's just one of those people who can eat whatever the hell she wants and not put on ANY weight. Uni hasn't affected her at all. Bahhh.

That's cute you guys asking about London. It's weird, I'm so used to it as I live so close and go all the time, but I do get a bit of a buzz being there. It is just an awesome city - well, Central London is. The outer areas get a bit dodgy, but the tourist bits are great. It's funny you said that about London, RaeLynn, how you visited once then fell in love with the place and want to live there in the future, as that's exactly how I feel about New York! I'm OBSESSED with it. It just has so much energy. I can't wait to go back.

It does rain an awful lot, Ariana, but that's just England in general. It was raining a lot today. Bit annoying when you have hair that frizzes up at the sight of it. All Brits complain about the weather (and I mean any kind of weather - if it's raining, it's horrible, if it's sunny, it's too hot, if it's snowing, well that's just ANNOYING) but when I move abroad (which I hope to), I know I'll miss the rain.

But anyway. Restricting didn't go well. But I've got a new determination. I was reading RaeLynn's blog (which you should all check out - I'm not quite sure how to link to it) and I think one of her goals was to lose a couple of pounds a week? So that's my new goal. Stop just HOPING to lose weight. Set a target. 2 pounds a week. If you lose only one? Work harder. If you don't lose any? Fast. Do it!

If I do that, I could lose 10 pounds by my dance show (5 weeks from today, now.) That'd hopefully make me around my goal weight. That's the dream!

I want to change my hair. Again! The red has faded now (if it was ever there), and I'm back to my usual dark brown. I'm thinking - I really want to try dip-dye. I've been watching 90210 a lot and I'm obsessed with Shenae Grimes' hair.


Now, I know I was chatting about my Asian hair and how it doesn't go lighter and if I bleached it'd just go a horrible pale orange - but I was looking at old pics, when I had highlights, and my hair was a really nice golden colour. So I might take this picture to my hairdresser and see what happens. It can't go TOO wrong. I don't want to go as light as she is on the ends of her hair, anyway - that'd look a bit silly on me. It's frustrating as I have to wait til I go home as I can't afford to get my hair done at uni (my mum pays when I'm at home!) and I'm not all that keen on my hairdressers at home any more - they just always seem to leave me feeling a tad disappointed - but hey ho.

My sister had blondey highlights a little while back, but she reckons they had to bleach and then re-dye it. Hmmm.

On other news.

Remember a few posts ago how I was going on about maybe being wheat intolerant? Bread doesn't seem to bugger me up any more, so I'm weirded out, as I STILL get bloated and feel horrible and gassy when I eat. I saw Ariana's blog recently, excuse me for quoting her.

"I think I might be developing lactose intolerance, but I'm not sure. I looked up the symptoms which included being bloated, distended stomach, and having lots of gas after consuming dairy-all I which I have."

I get that a lot too. I only figure it's dairy because I notice it's after coffee. I should really do some food tests. Maybe, tomorrow, I'll try and get through the whole day without consuming dairy. I could live on soya milk! I eat soya butter anyway. Would this mean I couldn't eat chocolate?? I'd better test this out. This could solve all my horrible stomach issues.

I'm writing this in the living room and this is a BAD idea. A keeps looking at my computer. I have to panic and close the screen really quickly. He's gotten close to seeing all this a couple of times, so I'm glad he's just an oblivious bloke.

Alright, I'm out now. I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow morning and then lose weight Tuesday to Tuesday. Time to get serious!

Q x

EDIT: Googled 'lactose intolerance'.

"It is estimated that around 5% of adults in the UK have lactose intolerance.

It is more common among people of some ethnic origins, and particularly people who do not traditionally have milk as part of their diet. Lactose intolerance is thought to occur in:

• between 50–80% of people of Hispanic, south Indian, black or Ashkenazi Jewish ethnicity
• almost 100% of people of American Indian, or Asian, ethnicity"

100% of people of Asian ethnicity?

Doh.

Put on my shoes and I'm ready for the weeeekend

I'm disappearing for the weekend. Just a heads-up. Gotta go visit my friend who lives about a million miles away, so today is going to be an awesome (or terrible and stressful) day of travelling for me. I've got to get a coach all the way through the country to London (I'm too poor for trains), then hop around a bit on tubes and trains through London, then eventually get to her place of calling. Travelling stresses me out. I'm a natural worrier, panicking about time and what'd happen if I missed my train, plus today I'm taking a brand new journey so there's so much potential to go wrong, but at least I'll be in London, my real area of the country. If I get hopelessly lost and stuck maybe I could call a parent and get them to pick me up! Ha.

Said friend has promised to 'feed [me] up' this weekend - I'll try to restrict as best I can. Dance was cancelled yesterday so I feel a bit exercise-lacking, urgh.

Gross-finger-stuff is working well - I haven't been biting my skin at all! They don't look like they've healed much yet, though, humm. How long does it take to break a habit? 28 days? I'll keep applying it for that long and hopefully get over this bloody thing.

It's quarter to 8 in the morning - this is farrrr too early to be awake and buzzing. I'm going to go and do some last-minute packing now. See ya on Monday!

Q x

Aches and pains

Food yesterday was pretty awful - I blame the post-drinking feeling. I'd say hangover, but it wasn't quite that bad. Man, I am ACHING all over. The combination of a hardcore dance fitness class and alcohol has left my body in a state - though I'm always aching, really. I remember seeing this stupid internet thing which was like "100 ways you know you're a dancer" or something lame like that and one of them was "you're always aching in at least one body part." Which is sadly true. I guess you get used to it though.

But nah, it's pretty bad at the mo. My arms are killing me. Very odd. I better suck it up for my Freestyle class later on or I'll end up leading a crappy warm-up.

So, in an effort to stop me chewing at my fingers, I went to Boots and said to the lady, "hey ho, you got anything that you'd give to kids to stop sucking their thumbs?" She said, "we've got similar stuff for biting your nails - go over to the nail section and you'll find it." I went over and saw some nail-biting stuff, and spotted one (Boots own) that was in a nail varnish pot but looked more liquidy than nail varnish, which made me optimistic as I don't fancy painting nail polish all over my fingers (especially the bits where the skin is really broken.) So I got some.

Oh man, this stuff is GROSS. I painted it all over my fingers, put my tongue on my finger to taste it out of curiousity and it was HORRIFIC. I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth for ages. I tried to eat an apple to get rid of the taste but of course I got my fingers and thus this horrible stuff all over the apple and that turned disgusting too. I found myself hardly able to eat anything, because I eat pretty much everything with my hands (I blame the Malaysian in me.) Even eating a bowl of cereal was difficult without using my fingers to push some stubborn cornflakes on to the spoon.

However, I'm pleased. I couldn't go near my fingers with my mouth all evening, and if I put this on every day, I'm hoping I'll kick the habit. And I won't have to be ashamed of my fingers any more! Some of the skin I don't think will ever look the same, but that's ok. They'll look a lot better! I can't wait till all the skin's healed and my hands look pretty again.

I'm also hoping this gross stuff might make me eat less... because, as I said, a lot of foods I eat with my hands and this stuff might put me off. You never know.

L finally told the boys he's not living with them next year and now everyone hates him. We had a weird little house gathering in the living room last night (trust me, this is RARE, to get all 8 of us in one room at the same time - although L wasn't there, obv) and they were just having a massive bitchathon and a panic as to how they'd just signed and paid for a house which now had a missing tenant. It would have been ok if he'd told them earlier, but with every day that passes houses are getting snapped up and it's getting harder and harder to find decent ones. If they even can find a replacement - they've already paid for the new one, leaving some of them ridiculously poor. At least they won't have to live with him. He's becoming unbearable. But I've ranted enough about all that.

Haven't been to the gym in so long, sigh. Thank god for dance or I'd be a fatty.

Coming up to my 100th post and I want to make it special. Hmm! Maybe I'll just put in loads of random crap about myself.

I'm out!

Q x

Hot stuff

Oh lordy, I've got a crush. On that guy I kissed the other night. The man whore! I say crush but it's more like pure lust. Literally the only thing I find fanciable about him is his appearance. His body is PERFECT. He doesn't have a massive six-pack, but oh my, his ARMS. They're all big, and... big... I'm a sucker for arms. And he has a nice back. Which makes me jealous more than anything, actually, as I wish I had a nice back.

He's so tall. And in good shape. I wouldn't say he's a ridiculously hench guy, but he's got the right balance between being muscly and slender. I always say to M, if I was a guy, I'd want to be him as I reckon he could take on everyone. He'd probably win in most fights, if the guy even dared to hit him in the first place.

Sighhhhh.

I went out last night, for the social (dressed as a character from a tv show in the 90s I used to love.) It was a really crazy night, actually, and afterwards he came back to my house (he's really good friends with my housemates.) I need to give him a nickname for blog purposes? I've called him HotGuns before - I'll keep that up. Or HG for short. We were flirting and playfighting a lot but in the end he left (probably at about 5 in the morning) - my fault, I could NOT think of a good way to hint at the fact he could stay with me. Dang. I reckon he would've if I'd suggested it. Well, this is what I like to think.

He really is such a man whore, but I really don't care. I don't think a night goes by where he doesn't kiss at least 2 girls - often more. I guess when you're that hot you're oozing with confidence? I mean the other day when I kissed him he initiated it by just kind of pulling me towards him and dancing with me and I didn't complain. His tactic really is confidence. Good thing my attraction for him is based solely on the fact he's ridiculously attractive - keeps the emotions out of the way.

Food was good yesterday. Stuck to my plan. And my dance fitness class went well! I killed them all with cardio, most of them gave up they were so out of breath. They were saying things to me like, "how do you have so much energy??" I felt chuffed. It's so much easier to keep up the energy when you're leading the class - I guess it's the pressure. It's like, if I'm leading any kind of stretching, I always seem to be much more flexible than I'd be if I was just taking part. Weird, eh?

My number of followers is on the uprise! 6 more and I'll do a body shot, eek... be prepared, it ain't pretty.

See yaaa

Q x

Bad mood

I've been binging far too much recently. It seems simply restricting isn't working for me. I have too much liberty with no calorie allowance. So I'm going to limit myself to 200 or 300 calories a day AFTER breakfast. Meaning in total it'd get to 400 or 500. I think that's an ok limit for a while. Today my plan is some cereal for breakfast, then an apple and a coffee for snacks, then soup for lunch/dinner. Seems alright to me.

I'm so ill right now, it's rubbish. My whole head seems clogged up.

My god, one of my housemates is driving me MAD. Driving us all mad, actually. I was just reminded of it as he's on the phone and I can hear his stupidly loud phone voice echoing through my walls. It's L - he got a girlfriend a few months back and became one of those people who forgot he had friends and wanted to spend ALL his time with the girlfriend. I mean, they're inseparable. Which, you know, is a bit annoying but we made our peace with it (we didn't even miss him that much, as it was nice to go through an evening without having to hear about all his problems and all about his life.) But considering he barely sees us any more, his house habits are becoming ridiculous and disgusting. He steals EVERYONE'S food. He uses EVERYONE'S stuff. BUT when he thought someone might be drinking his apple juice, he PISSED in the carton and put it back in the fridge, so my other housemate got a nasty surprise when he went to take a sip. Sure, quite funny, but full on DISGUSTING - I don't think I'd do that to my worst enemy. Plus he put his urine in our fridge?? What the fuck??

He then clogs up one of the loos, and doesn't bother to attempt to get rid of it. M, bless her, tries, but doesn't succeed. No, he just leaves it for us to sort out and whilst we fail, he just goes on top of it! No wonder I'm ill. It's a breeding ground for germs. Luckily our landlord is coming to sort it out now.

The eating-people's-food thing is the worst though - only because he gets soooo angry when people eat his and does horrible things like the apple juice incident. I noticed he was eating a lot of my butter, so I put fingerprints in it, as L has this weird thing about people touching his food. If I ever get really angry, I'm going to go into his cupboard and run my hands all over his food. Silent revenge! He made our kitchen a mess just by leaving stuff lying around, so had the audacity to complain and move into the upstairs kitchen, where he's eaten all of M's butter in a matter of days and annoyed all of them up there.

Plus, he's just a nob. He's lost his sense of humour and cannot joke or take a joke any more. He's not even planning to live with the boys next year, but instead of telling them in time like a normal, decent person would do, so they can find a house, he's decided to wait until they've found an ok house with him (and all the others have gone) and are on the brink of signing. They don't even know yet.

I can't even speak to him these days.

Sorry! I know no-one cares about the petty drama of housemates, but I reeeally wanted to rant. Nice to get it off my chest. I really want to get into a shouting match with him but what's the point? He's so arrogant, anything I say will just bounce right off of him and leave his swollen ego intact.

Glaaardgjsdjgsdg.

Q x

Zumba!

Wooow. Zumba is mad. I shook my arse like you would not believe and was sweating like a horse at the end of it. I went along with another dance friend and my gosh - I didn't realise Latin dancing could be such a workout! I've done a lot of Latin dancing before and a lot of Samba but it's never quite burned like that - though I suppose I've never thrown myself into it quite as much! We have a dance fitness class on Wednesdays and seeing as the current teacher is going home so won't be able to take it, I might nab it and turn it into a Zumba class. They'll love it.

I'm not sure how easy it'd be to pick up if you're not a dancer or some kind of Zumba expert, though. That's its downside. A lot of the girls looked flustered and confused and some of them just gave up and stood there. It's definitely something you need to throw absolutely EVERYTHING into - the girls who weren't really moving that much because they were self-conscious looked a lot stupider than someone like me, who was jiggling and throwing myself all over the place. This is what I like to think... ooer. Ah well, good workout!

I've had a pretty relaxed weekend and I'm preparing to get super busy again this week. This time I'll try to control the intake a bit more. If I stay busy, it won't be hard... evenings are definitely my weakness. How to get around evening eating?? I suppose it's all about willpower... it's so frustrating because I used to be sooo good at just denying myself food and now I cave more often than not. I haven't weighed myself in a while as I'm a bit scared of the Rick monster. I'll do it after a week of restricting, methinks.

The 2 4 6 8 has become very hard to control, being so busy. I might wait til I'm at more of a chilled-out time of my life and give it another whack. For now I'll just restrict. And go to the gym/Zumba whenever I can!

By the way, Bree, that was a charming comment you left on the last post. It's awesome that you're losing weight the healthy way now - man, I wish I had that mindframe - but no need to quite emphasize how GUILTY we feel and how we LIE and are KILLING OURSELVES. I mean, nice to show off your healthy eating with the hope of inspiring people but no need to smack us in the face with it. You say you understand girls with distorted eating, but you clearly don't as you'd know how it isn't so simple to just one day go "oh hey! I know! I'll try eating normally for once! What a mad thing I've been doing! Bye bye ED! Tra la la la laa!"

Ehh... s'cool.

Q x

Manic

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot, this last week has been SO busy. I've forgotten what luxury time is, where you can just sit down and do nothing. I've barely had time to breathe. My friends are starting to wonder why I'm never around. Being busy has its pros and cons. A con is that I've barely been focusing on my food. A pro is that I haven't been eating much anyway as I have no TIME for food. A con is that this also means I haven't had time for exercise, aside my daily dance classes. Today I'm gonna spend a good while at the gym then I might go again tomorrow morning then go to a Zumba class in the evening. It'll be the first time I'll try it and I can't wait!

The food thing is difficult. I'm wary of ballooning up again. I don't really have time to eat in the morning or during the daytime, so I end up being famished in the evening and eat loads then. It's a terrible pattern. I hate myself for giving up breakfast; I might make a late NY resolution - to ALWAYS eat brekkie. Even if it means getting up that half an hour earlier (ergh.) It's half 11 and I should really get up and eat something now. With coffee. OOH, my friend last night gave me a sachet of instant coffee her friend, who works at Starbucks, brought from work. Oh my god, YUM. I've never had a Starbucks coffee before but it was amaaazing. Still don't think I'd ever go to Starbucks as it's so overpriced, but I'm definitely nicking sachets whenever I can!

I'm rambling about the most random things. Might as well carry on.

I've got another social on Wednesday and the theme is Back to the 90s. I'm reeeally hoping to somewhere find some metallic cycling shorts and a bum bag. Nostalgic! The bum bag is practical too, as I can put my stuff in it! I think Americans would know it as a fanny pack... but we could never call it that as fanny does NOT mean bum in England... it means, er... never mind...

I just googled 90s fashion and the stuff coming up is hilarious... I think I'm gonna look for clothes a bit more personal to me, though, like the mad stuff I wore as a kid. God knows I was NOT fashionable. I know a lot of the dance girls are planning to come as Spice Girls, which I have a feeling will result in tiny dresses and heels... I'm gonna look like a plonker next to them!

Ho hum.

I'm actually starting to get nervous about giving up alcohol for Lent. If I do anything stupid on a night out (or even things I don't think are stupid, but other people do), it's so easy to say the next day "well, I was drunk." Take the other night. I got off with a guy who I know my friends will never let me forget, and although I don't regret it as he's HOT, I know I was just in a looong list of girls he got with that night. I do feel weird about it. I don't think he even remembers. Weirder because if he came on to me again, I'd definitely go for it again, and heck, I'd probably sleep with the guy. But it'd be so much easier to just say "well, I was drunk, that's why I did it." I don't know. It's hard to explain. I guess I'm far too wary of other people's opinions of me. And if I do something other people might not approve of, it's easier to pretend I wasn't myself. I need to start being honest and proud of myself. I should make my own choices and be happy with them. Maybe the lack of alcohol will help me with that?

Wow, that was deeper than I thought it'd be.

Anyway! Breakfast time! And no rubbish eating tonight!

Over and out,

Q x

Keep going

I'm gonna keep 200-ing it until I get it right. As yesterday I caved and had a packet of crisps. Doh!

I'm so desperate to be 8 and a half stone by my dance show (4th April.) I think I'll do a couple of rounds of the 2 4 6 8, and if that doesn't work, I'll restrict a bit more and do more exercise. I haven't been going to the gym as much as I should have (just can't find the TIME) and I need to ramp that up. My gym doesn't close until 10, so there's no excuse not to go in the evenings. I'll try and go tonight - my lecture finishes at 7ish, so I'll head home and get ready quickly and try to get there before 8. Then I can try and stay until it closes, pretty much, head home and have a shower, do some writing and go to bed. Can all this be accomplished without eating anything? Let's bloody hope so.

Went out last night with M - bit of a single girls' night out for Val's Day. It's funny, there was this bloke there who used to be reeally hot but never took much notice of me. As he started to, I was flattered, but he seemed to be getting gradually fatter... and now, after the Christmas holidays, he seems to have gotten really fat! And he needs a haircut. It sounds so shallow but I don't want to go near him now, I just find him a bit repulsive (maybe my own struggle for weight loss has me feeling less sympathetic for people getting fatter? I dunno), so last night when he kept looking over or coming near me I just tried to pretend I hadn't seen him. Not sure how convincing I was... probably not very.

Extra motivation to get skinny! I need to be hot. Me, M and my girl friend G are planning to go to Italy in the summer and I want to be able to wear a bikini and look amazing. It'll happen! With some hard work.

40 followers now! Amazing... though when I get to 50 I'm planning on uploading a body shot - ahh, nerve-wracking!

Ramble to you later,

Q x

Fat days

Hello, most depressing day of my life... ah well, at least I'm going out tonight with some single girlfriends to celebrate the fact we're young and free and don't have to worry about boyfriends. I'm so torn as to whether I WANT a boyfriend or not. I mean, there's the whole I'm-too-busy yadda yadda yadda plus I don't like feeling tied down... but man, I'd love to wake up and have some big, warm, familiar arms cuddling me. I'm getting tired of sleeping alone. Quite a lot of my friends are getting boyfriends/girlfriends all of a sudden and it's making me pine a bit. But anyway. Back to more important things.

I think I've been on my hypothetical period these last few days. Want to know how I know?

1. I've been eating. A LOT. I always do before periods, and I just make pathetic excuses with myself. On Saturday it was my friend's 21st and we went to a michelin-star restaurant where they were doing 3 courses for a TENNER. Bargain! And the food was good and it was posh. I need to stop, though. If I carry on like this I'll balloon up again like I did in first year. Ooer. This is meant to be the year of shrinking down!

2. I've been getting cramps... standard.

3. I got INCREDIBLY drunk INCREDIBLY quickly the other night. Awful awful. We were meant to be going out (for said friend's 21st birthday) and I had some wine, as always. We got a taxi to the club... and my memory blacks out from there. Supposedly I drank a double vodka red bull too, which sounds stupid but I've drunk FAR more on basically every night out I go on and I've never been so drunk as to throw up/forget everything. I do remember throwing up in the club, and then at home. God knows how I got back into my room (supposedly D had to carry me in) but once I was knocked out, R turned up, pretty wasted himself, and him and D decided to go into my room and try and scare me. I remember waking up with boys hovering over me - it was very weird. R said he was thinking of getting into my bed and just lying there casually (so once I woke up and saw him, I'd think we had sex or something) and that would have been HORRIBLE. I would've DIED if I thought I'd had sex with him. Aaargh. But again! I'm rambling.

I seriously cannot WAIT to give alcohol up for Lent. The day after ^, I felt sooooo bad. Couldn't get out of bed. I can't wait to have 40 days where I'll never feel like that. Plus, cheaper nights out! And I'm confident that the health benefits will show.

Alright, from today, back on track. Hot choc (40), coffee (35), soup (125) and NO bingeing.

Huzzah!

Q x

Famished

Trying not to think about food. Trying so hard not to think about food. FOOD FOOD FOOD. Why is today so difficult? I mean, it's a 400 cal limit... I actually found yesterday easier, with 200 cals! Never mind. I won't mess up. I'll stay in my 400 cal limit if it kills me. It's 10 minutes to 8 in the evening and I've hit my calorie limit (well, I'm on 399) so looks like that's it for today. Done by:

A bowl of cereal with skimmed milk (110 cals) - today is a carb day, wahoo!
A chicken salad (207 cals)
A hot chocolate (40 cals)
A mini Babybel (42 cals)

And that will be it! I might have an early night so as not to prolong the agony. I'm starving right now. This is ridiculous.

Tomorrow is a 600 cal day but not a carb day, and is it weird that I'm finding it difficult to think of foods that could fill up 600 cals that don't involve carbs?? I'm thinking chicken salad, loads of fruit, vegetable soup, yoghurt. We'll see how that goes. Me and M are going to the gym in the morning then I've got a fitness class and an hour of ballet in the evening, so tomorrow should be a good day.

I was reading an article about Paris Hilton and how she's bulked up due to bodybuilding with her boyfriend. Supposedly she's on a 3500 cal a day diet. Woah! HOWEVER. What scares me is they detailed the food she eats every day. And it sounded pretty normal in terms of meals - it said things like: lunch, bowl of pasta - 1000 cals. What?? A bowl of pasta is 1000 calories???? Surely not! What? No! I'm never eating pasta again! Agh, from now on I'm only eating stuff where I can clearly see the calorie count on the label. I'm terrified that's true. I might google it.

... Googled it. Came to about 400 cals. That sounds much more normal. How strange. Maybe she's on some high-cal pasta. She's a bit mad, if you ask me. Why does she want to bulk up? She's certainly looking hench. But I suppose it must be nice to get to eat so much without any guilt!

Can hardly wait til tomorrow already, when I get to eat something. Peculiarly hungry for a 400 day. Guess I must be hypothetically coming on my period (obviously I don't know these days, being on the injection and having no periods.) Let's hope so, for then this feeling will pass!

Big up.

Q x

I want to be thin I want to be thin I want to be thin

etc...

D put the photos up from his night out. Remember me mentioning the Pretty Skinny Crew? My god, HOW are these girls so skinny?? Doing no exercise and eating junk? They're just... it's ridiculous HOW skinny they are. And how perfect their faces are. And their hair. And their teeth. They're beyond real. They're like the girls we see in our thinspo pics. One of them is even a recovering anorexic but she still shows off her body at any chance she can, and she still has amazing hair and teeth and tiny, perfect features. I thought anorexia was meant to make your hair fall out or something? Her hair is INCREDIBLE. It's so big and lush and voluminous.

I feel sick. I'm too, too jealous. After seeing those pictures... I can't handle how jealous I am. And how inferior I looked next to them. I always thought I looked quite normal-sized in photos, but next to them, I look like a WHALE. They have NO fat on them. Not one little bit. I can't get over this. I really can't.

I wish I could post pictures so you could see them but obviously that would be a bit weird, especially if they stumbled across this blog. I wouldn't like someone putting pictures of me on random sites without my permission.

Ergh. I hate them so much. I can't wait to be rid of these boys next year so I can be rid of these GIRLS, too. I'm getting annoyed with these boys. The other night T smashed a bottle in the hallway and he STILL hasn't cleared it up. I've been walking around with shoes on. If I have time today and it hasn't been done I'll do it, but it boggles my mind how stupid these boys are sometimes. They'll mop then LEAVE the mop in the dirty water for weeks (without me noticing) until it goes mouldy and stinks. They put cans and potatoes in the fridge. They don't flush. They just generally make a horrible mess, and are too lazy to do anything about it. One of them used the downstairs kitchen and generally turned it into a mess, then had the audacity to complain it was too messy so started using the upstairs kitchen and making it messy, annoying everyone who uses that kitchen. How are they going to survive next year? Good luck, boys.

From today, it's 8 weeks until my next dance show. The one I want to be thin for. From today, it's rigid 2 4 6 8 until I get below 9 stone. NO excuses. I need to pull myself together. And if I ever want to snack, I can only snack on food that nature could provide - stuff that could grow out of the ground or off a tree. Fruit, veg, nuts? Yes. Chocolate, biscuits? No.

I've stopped caring about hunger. Or what the body needs (2000 cals a day, pfft.) From now, it's time to be THIN.

Q x

Hoooray for the gym

It's top. It really is. I seem to have hit a point in life where the cross-trainer DOES work me out (makes me a sweaty Betty) but the rowing machine still doesn't. But that's cool! Cross-trainer and treadmill, I'm at your mercy. I've also been playing around with the weights machines - biceps, you are my bitches.

AND I've found out there's a power plate at the gym. Which I seem to have missed. ZOMG. I love those things. They're hilarious. Everyone's all "ooooh, it's so embarrassing" (assuming they mean to be jiggling away in public view), but I'm determined to give it a go - I hear it's a hardcore muscle workout. I kind of feel like it's cheating somehow, but that's alright.

I'm in a weirdly good mood. It's half past 10... on a Sunday... I shouldn't even be AWAKE... but I'm so happy! And I don't even know why. Literally, I have no reason.

Oh! I saw Hot Boy From London at a club last night. But again, stupidly, I let him escape! That sounds bad, like I had him tied up. It was probably my fault. It seems to be a social decorum here to be all chatty and flirty for a while, and then be like "ooh see you later then..." and then find them later on the dance floor or somewhere and get jiggy or something. And he was so on it. I could've easily pulled him. Even though I was dressed up like some kind of weird UV slutty fairy for D's birthday (at least the boys looked stupider than I did.) I remember saying to him "I look like a twat." Well, best to be honest. He was talking complete rubbish, like when boys want to keep talking to you but don't really know what to say, which is always funny. And he kept commenting on the colour of my bra... ooer. Well, anyway, this is painting him in a strange light, but he was on it. I could tell. M could tell. She got very excited about it all, bless her. Oh! And he was still taller than me in heels. Which I'm happy about. Remember me saying he was quite a little bloke? Apparently not TOO little. So that must make him about 5 ft. 9 I reckon. Not bad with the midget that is me.

Heh. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. I swear, though, next time I see him, I'm GETTING his number. Or at least giving him mine. I'll find a way to do it!

Did run into Boy, and spent a lot of time dancing around with him and his chums. The boys and even HIS friends were massively embarrassing, acting like we were going to snog or something. No no no. No way in hell. He looks nice these days. When I was with him he had this little surfer mop going on and dressed like a surfer (it was Summer, I suppose), and I mean he IS a surfer, so that isn't too weird, but now he's cut his hair short and looks much more... polished. All shirt and skinny tie and neat hair and shaven face. It was nice to be able to just dance with him and it not be awkward (the alcohol helped), but we're never going to be friends. Anyway! We've done all that. Bored of that.

I'm going to lunch with a couple of friends of mine today. Erck. How to avoid the menu... I'm so WEAK up against a good menu. We're going to a Wetherspoons, too, which in the UK is a massive chain of bars with nice atmospheres and cheap, nice food, and it's especially cheap in my part of the world. Oh lordy. Get a salad, get a salad...

The Pretty Skinny Crew were out in force last night, with their tiny, skimpy outfits and their tiny, skinny bodies. I feel justified by the fact they have NO personality, but they still looked hot. If I lost weight, I could be that hot AND have the personality. Why oh why do we seemed doomed to one or the other! The other day one of them wore a dress with a cut-out part in the stomach, and in the photos you could just see her abs bulging through - and she does NO exercise. NONE. None of them do. They eat like crap, too. Loads of junk. Why is life so unfair????

Sorry for double-nominating you, Ariana, I'm a bit of a tit. You did ask about American/English different words! Lemme think... well, I know Americans say trash or garbage, but here we say rubbish. I always go on about talking rubbish. Just imagine loads of, er, garbage coming out of my mouth. Ergh, weird image. So a trashcan in America, is a bin here. Or a dustbin. Or a wheely-bin. If it has wheels. Which a lot of them do.

You say cellphone, we say mobile. Or just phone, these days. A junkyard is a skip here. We get in lifts, not elevators. We go to the loo, not the bathroom. Or just the toilet. We snog each other, we don't make out. We eat chips, not fries. Fat off ones! On that note, we eat crisps, not what you'd call chips. Fish n chips, mm lovely jubbly. My dad always goes on about when he went to America and accidentally asked for a burger and chips, and they literally gave him crisps. Which sounds hilarious. We call each other 'mate' a lot. I don't know if Americans do that, but I can't really imagine it in an American accent. Maybe you say 'dude'? Also, boys are lads. Being a lad is such an image, like a rowdy boy who enjoys football and drinking and is loyal to his friends. Good boy! LAD. Again, not sure if that's a thing in the States. Oh yeah, football is soccer to you. Pants are trousers. What we call pants is our underwear, what you'd call panties, but both girls and boys wear pants. Though girls wear knickers, too. Loads of these I bet you already know... I wish I could think of some obscurer ones...

I went to New York and asked for a glass of water and the waiter just stared at me. I was shouting at him "water! Water! I want water!" and after a while he went "oh, waaahder" and ran off to get me a glass. Don't know how that relates to anything, just thought I'd throw that in, ha. Didn't know pronounciation was such a language-barrier!

The Harry Potter films aren't too accurate an impression of Britishness, despite generally having every decent British actor in it worth their salt (except the young ones. They're pretty terrible, especially the main 3.) The books, however, are. I can't even imagine reading the book in an American accent in your head. I'm still always surprised the books even caught on in America at all, they're just so screamingly British! I've always heard Americans don't really get British people, which is understandable, we're off our rocker.

The other day I was chatting to a girl from America, can't remember whereabouts she was from, feel like it was a state that started with a vowel. Her language seemed so polished. She spoke slower and every word had so much clarity. We waffle away and break up our sentences and don't pronounce our Ts but you lot seem to put a lot more thought into your speech. I asked her if she had any trouble understanding anyone and she said quite a lot. She was chatting to M, though, and seemed to understand her, despite M having a very thick London accent - even I couldn't understand her when I met her, but I've tuned in now and often have to translate her words for other people, haha.

We have a lot of Americanisms in our language, though, but that's because we're so exposed to your culture. The vast majority of films that come out here are American, and we get loads of American tv shows too. My favourites: Gossip Girl, Ugly Betty, The City... can you tell I'm obsessed with New York? Lost, Glee, 90210, The OC (back in its day), Friends, all those sitcoms...

My god, I've been rambling away! Signing out now. Love y'all. Or, to be more British, love you lot!

Q x

Sleep deprived

2 hours of sleep last night. Whaaaat. Went out in the evening, with all the geeky newspaper boys. They're so cute! One of them at the pub we went to beforehand was all "I can't talk to women... I just have no idea what to say..." and he's sitting there with his gold granddad glasses and I just wanted to CUDDLE him. And in the club, when they try it on, they just have no idea how to dance with girls. True, they might have been wankered, but I thought it was massively adorable.

So much for not drinking! I was pretty bad. And I think I spent about £15, which is quite a lot considering I only intended to go out with a tenner. Because I was out with a load of people I don't normally go out with, I felt like I needed some alcohol in order to relax... awful, I know. I got weirdly shy for some reason. I'm never shy! What's up with that?

Then I even got takeaway afterwards, UGH. All the boys (housemate boys) had been out at a different club and we sort of arrived at the same time and chilled together. They were... weird. Not only madly hyper and wrestling each other, but really horny. And as I was the only girl around, the way they were looking and talking about me... urgh. They kept asking me to wrestle them. And there was one moment... my god, this is going to sound weird. I'm hoping it was a joke. I'm PRAYING it was a joke. I was sitting chatting to a couple of them and C had gone off on his own and was sitting at the other end of the corridor. I kind of forgot about him until he said "stay there, Q." And I looked over and he was WANKING. Staring at me. Oh good lord! Please say it just LOOKED like he was pleasuring himself, and he actually wasn't? That must've been it. No, it must've been a joke. If it wasn't... oh god, that's too weird. They kept going on about sexual things and it was ok to think about me sexually because I wasn't 'one of the lads'. "M is one of the lads, but you're not." R: "Yeah, but it's still a bit weird, it's Q." T: "No, I don't think it is." They must have been very drunk. Very very drunk.

Weird. Weird weird weird. I don't even know why I'm writing about this, I guess I just want to convey how disturbed I am to someone and there's no-one I can talk to in real life where it wouldn't sound really strange! M wouldn't believe me, or she'd just presume I'm exaggerating. It's nice to have somewhere I can be honest.

Anyway! Back to the important stuff. Because I've been so hungover, I've actually eaten loads today. I had a sausage sandwich before my 9.15, then a Morning Glory smoothie afterwards, and then after a nap I had 6 SLICES of bread and butter. I regret that! I feel sick. Tomorrow I need to get back on track. I ordered a new leotard today and it's great and I can't wait for when I can wear it on its own without even feeling the slightest bit self-conscious. I hope to be like that for the next dance show.

Gym tomorrow too. The first week back is finally over, so I can have a good day there. Amazing. Then we have to go out in the evening for D's birthday, but this time I'm determined to spend NOTHING. I don't pay to get in the club because I run the dance team and it's in walking distance so I won't need taxi fare, and I can just drink water or night or whatever someone bought me. Free night out! Yesss.

Oh! Amy nominated me for some honest thing. I think I just have to write 10 interesting facts about myself. Hard to think of ones you don't already know seeing the amount I ramble about myself... let's give it a shot!

1. I love to be on my own. Like, I could easily spend a whole week on my own and not even notice it's weird. I prefer doing things like shopping and going to the gym on my own, but people like M always moan that I didn't invite her. I'm so independent, but I tend to get clingy friends, and that always irks me.

2. I'm obsessed with perfect grammar. I mentally proof-read pretty much everything I read. I'm also obsessed with perfect spelling. Misuse of words (like saying 'there' instead of 'their') annoys me the most, but I have a special hate for people who spell definitely 'definatly'.

3. I'm terrified of pigeons. They're getting so cocky these days, I have this image of me getting too close to one and it taking off and flapping its wings in my face. Not cool!

4. I have a fashion scrapbook. I'm obsessed with fashion magazines and I'll often cut out the more interesting outfits or the ones I can draw inspiration from and stick them in my scrapbook. I have categories, based on practicality of the clothing, not trends - Spring/Autumn (the weather is similar so the clothing would be fairly similar), Summer, Winter, Evening and Beauty (hair and make-up looks I like.)

5. I'm really naturally messy. I hate it, but my room seems to get so messy so quickly. It's especially frustrating as my room's probably the messiest in this house!

6. I live in my own head. If someone I know passes me on the street, they have to wave in my face to get my attention. I'm constantly in a daydream. I can literally pass inches from them and not notice they're there, if they don't say anything. Speaking of...

7. I find those little encounters where you run into someone you know really awkward. I don't know what it is! It's ok once you're talking to them, but there's that moment when you're walking from opposite directions and you see each other and you have to awkwardly walk towards them knowing they're there and anticipating a conversation, staring and smiling at each other. It's weird. I don't know what to do!

8. I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to films. I love Star Wars - the originals, though. The new ones are crap. My favourite film of all time would have to be the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy - I can't pick one, it has to be all three. Tied with Hot Fuzz.

9. I'm a flirt. Well, no. I'm friendly. But people always think I'm a flirt. Am I a flirt? I don't know.

10. I've got really strange-looking feet. Like, they don't look like ordinary feet. My toes and toenails aren't shaped normally. We have a strange gene in my Asian family where loads of us have weird problems with our hands and feet. Most of my relatives have 6 toes on one foot or were born with extra thumbs. My mum's thumbs curve inwards. One of my thumbs has the natural curve it's supposed to at the top, but the other is just straight. Still, I was actually blessed to be relatively normal - but my feet still look weird. I don't bother getting pedicures because no matter what I do, they're never going to look pretty! My sister got the perfect feet, but her fingers are a bit stubbier than mine.

Voila! That was difficult at first but I got into a bit of a roll.

I think I have to nominate 5 others... thing is, I don't follow many blogs and all the ones I do have already been nominated by others! So I might skip that part. If Ariana hasn't been nominated yet, though, so I nominate her. I really can't remember. So Ariana, if you're reading, start thinking of your 10 facts!

Q x

Bleurgh

Oh lord. I binged last night. Full-on, carbiest binge you've ever seen. It started with A coming in to tell me he was going to the chippie. Conversation:

A: "Come with me."
Q: "Nah."
A: "Why not?"
Q: "Can't be bothered."
A: "Come on! You've got no food"
Q: "I can't be bothered!"
A: "What else are you gonna eat? Come on!"
Q: "No!"
A: "I'll give you 10 minutes!"

And sadly, I went. My hunger took over my willpower just then. I got some chips. Then afterwards I apparently thought well, might as well carry on binging, for I had FOUR slices of bread with butter. I love bread and butter. Then a bowl of cereal later in the evening just because some sodding advert came on with cereal in it and it looked so good. I was so PMSy yesterday, I was horrified something like this would happen (I get very hungry around my period.) Plus I was in a bad mood all day. Oh, rubbish!

I did do an hour of Modern, though, and today I'm going to the gym, plus an hour fitness class in the evening and then an hour of ballet. I'm confident my eating will be better as I simply don't have time to binge - I'll have a yoghurt when I can be bothered to get out of bed, then I'll go to the gym, then I'll have some soup when I get home, then it's off to dance and straight after I've got to go to some charity event at my uni and then on to the nightclub with my dance crew. I doubt I'll stay long, but it'll get me out of the house - and away from the food.

I feel so crap after that binge. What a terrible start to February. My weight was so nice and low and I bet it's shot up now. I wish I could have a hardcore workout at the gym. Almost.Skinny said she went to the gym and with her amazing plan, she burnt 1350 calories in 2 hours! How incredible is that? I wish I had a little heart-rate monitor that could tell me how many calories I'm burning at all times. I'm thinking my plan for today will be to do half an hour on the treadmill, then go and do some push-ups/sit-ups/plank/etc., then half an hour on the cross trainer, and I'll go and choreograph if the studio's free. I'm determined to have a really good, exercisey day to get rid of those horrible carbohydrates in my system. Yuck!

Q x