My feet are burning.

Which can only mean one thing. Dance is back! Wahooo!

Today it was a couple of hours of Tap. Absolutely EXHAUSTING. My feet and legs were bright red from the effort, and I was sweating like you wouldn't believe. That can only be a good thing... got absolutely loads of dancing planned for tomorrow (a couple of hours in the morning - that'll be generic stretching stuff, then Modern in the evening) and I'm so happy and excited about it all. Like some weird loser. Hey ho.

I've been so focused on not eating carbs that I haven't really been calorie counting today... still, all I've had is two little teeny tiny fruit yoghurts (55 calories a pop) and a cup of tomato soup. I've been out and bought myself a shitload of fruit and veg, and I'm thinking I'll get some chicken fillets and make decent chicken salad again. Does anyone know a healthy non-fat dressing?

As the product of my internet searching, I've found doing sit-ups doesn't actually do anything for your appearance (you have to be rid of the fat on your belly before they actually start to show) - I normally do them for dance to improve my core strength, but I won't get too hyped up about them. Someone also said that if you do need a carb fix, have it in the morning and make sure it's wholegrain, so I've got some wholegrain bread (the only type I eat anyway) and am thinking I'll have a slice for breakfast every other day, especially if I'm going to the gym and need energy. Saying that, I had a decent gym workout today on no food whatsoever (went when I woke up and didn't HAVE any food that wasn't carby to eat for brekkie) and it wasn't too bad, but I think some energy can't be a bad thing.

I've also heard to avoid caffeine and alcohol. So, for one week only, goodbye coffee (sob) and no drinking!

Ah, I'm excited to see how effective this'll be! If it's good, who knows, maybe carbs will be on the lowdown forever...

Hooray!

You know what's dumb? I keep thinking about that hot guy I saw at the party (the one from London) and hoping I'll run into him again. But, he's sort of... petite, for a guy. That sounds weird! I mean, he's a bit shorter than most guys I know. Probably around 5 ft. 8. And he just looks... there's something skinny about him, like he has small bones. Not unattractively so, no no, he's still got an awesome look. But I keep thinking, god, if I ever wanted to shack up with him, I'd have to be tiny. He looks like he should have a really petite girl to look balanced. And I've got so much POTENTIAL to be petite (my friends seem to think I am already, but they say that because I'm short and out of all my female friends have the least weight on me), but I'm not. Not really. I know a girl who I'd regard as tiny, petite, and everyone just fawns all over her. It's feminine. It subconsciously makes boys want to look after you. I want to be that girl. And when I am, I'll suit that guy. We'll look like the perfect couple. Ugh! Am I 8 stone yet?

Q x

Let's try that again...

Ugh, fail. All was going to plan until M came into my room and said girl mate G wanted to go out for lunch. And I could NOT think of an excuse to get out of it, though I really didn't want to go. So I went, and had to eat a disgusting amount of calories in bread and sausage and chip form, because I am too weak to resist a good menu when I'm starving! Gutted. Absolutely gutted. I then had to go and ruin things further by eating a bowl of pasta, just now, at 10 to 11 in the evening, because I am a huge fat pig and now I feel horribly bloated. I don't even LIKE pasta that much. What is wrong with me??

The 400 plan is going to commence tomorrow... SUCCESSFULLY.

Hmm, here's a pickle. Next week there's a social going on with my dance team, and we all have to bring a friend (preferably lads.) I asked A if he'd come with me and he said ok. Thing is, we have to dress up as a duo - so, like, a famous couple or a pair of animals or something like that - and we've been pondering over ideas, though people keep suggesting we go as Aladdin and Jasmine. He's Indiany-looking (his parents are from Goa) and I'm all mixed-race so we've both got dark hair and tanned skin, so people think this dress-up is perfect. I actually think it could be pretty awesome, too.

BUT. Jasmine wears a belly top! Ugh... how I can get my stomach out in public in front of lots of people where there's going to be a lot of cameras too... my midriff is HORRIBLE. Easily the worst part of my body. Yuck yuck yuck! This is the kind of costume I'd love to be able to wear:


She looks awesome! Though I doubt I'd be able to get that kind of costume together in a week. The only thing I did consider was donning the outfit (or however I can make it) and getting like, a sheer piece of fabric to go across my tummy. A bit like this (apologies for small pic):


I suppose if I got a lot of blue sheer material and just draped myself in it, I might be able to fashion something. Hmm.

Oh dear! Of all Disney princesses to look like... could be one that wears less skimpy stuff... sigh!

Q x

EDIT: Googled 'flat stomach in a week' and most people seem to recommend eating no carbs and doing a LOT of sit-ups. Might as well go for it! We'll see what happens...

Hanging

200 cal day was pretty successful until the evening... but I'm still going to count it as a success. A coffee (35), an apple (65) and this random little Splendips snack (about 100). Course, yeah, then there was the alcohol... urgh, I'm so hungover today. It probably hit me more than usual because of the lack of food. I fell over SO MANY TIMES. Swear I spent more time on the floor than anywhere else last night. I did the booze calculator again and again, drank 10 units, 580 cals, equivalent of burger and danish pastry. I wish I HAD eaten a burger and a danish pastry instead... probably wouldn't have given me a hangover like this today!

Didn't even see that boy from the party in the end. I didn't expect to as soon as we arrived - the club was PACKED, and any chances of running into him were slim to nil. He did say at the party he wasn't sure about going because he was so knackered. I'm annoyed though, as now I don't know when I'll next see him (the friend who introduced me to him I don't know all that well and don't see very often), so I feel like again, I've missed my chance! Why did he leave that party so early? Bah. It was definitely low on the boy front last night (amy, no need to be jealous of me, my boy life is pretty crap!) - though I do weirdly remember giving some bloke my number in the loos (there are communal sinks) and I think I was so drunk I randomly typed in my friend's number into his phone... a number I've had stuck in my head since I was about 11... genuinely believing it was my own. I ran away before totally realising what I'd done and he followed me and seemed pissed off, said something angry to me and ran off. Oh dear, H, I'm sorry if you got any random texts or phone calls last night...

At least I didn't get any takeaway after the night out. Funny how it's such a thing ALL my friends do, and I'm always completely starving after a night out, and it was always something we used to do, but now, it just doesn't even come into my head. I did watch my mate eating his pizza with a lot of envy, though - he polished off the entire thing and then went on about making noodles - how do boys eat so much and stay skinny as sticks? He's the lankiest thing I've ever seen. Not even that - how do they eat so much without their stomachs exploding?? I was raised on small portions and as a result it's given me a teeny stomach compared to my friends (and I bet restricting it has helped it along) and I think I would honestly be full after one slice. I'd carry on eating anyway being the food whore I am, but if I stopped and thought about it all, I could probably stop eating and be happy after one slice. Whenever I eat a proper, hardcore meal, I'm always stuffed and bloated at the end. My stomach can't hack it! But I'll eat it anyway. Don't get me wrong - this isn't a blessing when it comes to restricting. I'll still have a good old binge when I want to (though my binges are probably a lot smaller compared to some.)

I can't wait to be teeny tiny skinny like the girls in that picture. I got on the scales last night out of curiousity and it was 9 stone 2! I was so frustrated because I felt SO CLOSE to the 8 stone margin, something I've been wanting for so long. Fuck it, I WILL get there. I'm not going to weigh myself as often, though - I'm thinking every time I finish a 2 4 6 8 cycle. Fingers crossed it speeds things along.

Plan for today! 400 cals - so a bowl of cereal (100), coffee (35), apple (65) and I'm thinking maybe some soup, which should be 200 cals ish. Bring on today!

Q x

Sniffles

When will my illness go away? Alright, I'm not doing much to treat it (not eating much and drinking lots of alcohol, hmm) but it's still annoying. After this mad weekend of drinking, I might try and actually start to take care of myself - drink lots of water, lots of pineapple juice (heard it's good for bad throats), wrap up super warm and get lots of vitamin C into me. Ok, plan.

Not that I'm abandoning low eating. I've been eating pretty normally as of late due to just being hungover all the time (I knoww) but it's back on today. 200 cals - here's the plan - coffee and then lots of fruit. And I'll drink lots of water.

We're going out tonight. I'll be drinking, but I'm going to drink a glass of water inbetween drinks. Met a girl last night who even said that psychologically makes you think you're more drunk without actually consuming the alcohol. That's gotta be a plus, right? I dunno. Everyone's still reacting badly to my swearing-off alcohol for Lent, but they'll have to man up and get over it - I'm cutting out the bad stuff for 40 days!

I'm sure I told you about my mad weekend in a previous post... but I can't see it now, hmm. Last night I went to a house party - Boy's party, ugh. I was so ready to be friends with him again but it's weird... I don't have feelings for him any more, and I don't even resent him any more, I just don't know how to BE around him. I've forgotten what it's like to be his friend. It's a shame, because I adore his housemates and his close friends. I don't get to see them often but when I greeted one of them last night we just went on about how much we miss each other! I hope I'll see them out tonight. One time they all came out and Boy conveniently didn't come, and it was easily one of the best nights I'd had in ages.

The party really sucked. But! One plus. Did I ever tell you about my trip to London a couple of months back? I went for this massive protest against student tuition fees rising (ugh, they're not exactly worth £3000 a year at the moment, let alone double that!) and afterwards I ended up going to a random noodle bar with a random friend who happened to be there, and he was with his friend. Who was HOT. And seemed like a really nice bloke. Anyway, like the idiot I am, I didn't make my move while I had the chance, but he was at this party last night. We reunited and chatted for a while, but he left stupidly early, boo. He said he might be out tonight though, so here's to hoping I'll see him there...

I'll fill you in!

Q x

Ha, muppet.

I should mention - I've been feeling a bit crappy the last couple of days. Fluey. Cold, cough, blocked up, no voice, sore throat, the whole works. Had a day in bed the other day, was feeling ok yesterday, was feeling alright today. I try to man up through colds. Since when did a sniffle stop anyone doing anything?

Er, except it sort of stopped me exercising. Let me paint you my picture. Ok, off to the gym! Hit the treadmill first! I'm GOING to do 20 minutes interval training because I CAN and WILL! Woooo! Ok here we go! Going well! Woo hoo! Can really feel it working me out! Power through the stitch... stick on some Pendulum... running music at its best. Yes, here we go! Wahooo! Look at this, you're nearly done! You've done 17 minutes... 3 more to go and you're sorted! You're Wonder Woman! Ok, 18th minute... ok, feel a bit light headed... OH GOOD LORD I'M GOING TO FAINT. Ok. Slow down... ok STOP... ok get off the treadmill, drink lots and lots, argh it isn't really working, back to the changing room, put your head between your knees, NO DON'T DO THAT IT HURTS, throbbing head, ok that was shit.

Booooo illness. Boo.

On the plus side, eating's been alright today. I've probably gone over 800, but I haven't eaten anything exceedingly crap. Bread and butter (new favourite of mine), crackers with houmous, apples. And I WON'T do any late-night eating tonight.

I've decided I'm going to continue this 2 4 6 8 malarkey until I drop below 9 stone. Hopefully I'll get better at it with practice. If I get below 9 stone, I'll chill out a bit on the calorie counting and just restrict, but if I shoot back into it, I'll restart. I'll get into and STAY in that 8 stone category if it kills me.

Hope I feel better tomorrow and can re-hit the gym. Though it might not be such a good idea after today's fiasco. Hmm...

Big up 36 followers! I'm on the incline... though I'm very aware I said I'd take a body-shot if I got to 50, ooer. An honest-to-God body shot too, in my underwear, cruel and ruthless... be warned, it's NOT pretty. Don't actually have a working camera but I'll see if I can sort it out via the Blackberry. Just gotta work out how to upload pics to the internet...

I'm gonna do an Ariana and personally reply to the most recent comments too :) coz I loove y'all.

adrian - wahoo, someone's with me on the perils of alcohol! It really does suck. I told M I was gonna give up alcohol for Lent (though start and end it a week earlier, as I've got a uni holiday the week before Easter which is essentially a giant piss-up... and there's no point staying sober for that, it's the whole point of going!) and she was all SAY WHAAAT. My liver will thank me, though, I like to think...

Izzy - you're right, alcohol is calorie-mania - when it's liquid, it's crazy to think it counts! I did hear once that the body always metabolises alcohol first, so the reasons to avoid it on a diet is so your body can actually burn off the FOOD you've eaten beforehand, rather than wasting all its time on the alcohol. I definitely think cutting back will help me along this rocky road.

Ariana - I wouldn't recommend taking medication before or during drinking - doesn't that mess it up and get you drunk very quickly? Ooer. I might avoid that, haha. I'm lucky and don't usually get the headache-part of a hangover (which is the worst bit) but it would be nice to learn some tricks to avoid hangovers. I heard they come up because alcohol dehydrates you (wahey, I'm full of the facts today), hence needing to pee all the time when you're drunk, so your liver steals all the water from the brain and other parts of the body the next day as it's doing the mad job of metabolising all that alcohol in your system. That's why your head and body feels shit - lack of water. So I think adrian's idea has merit - if I drink a lot of water before, during and after drinking, and then lots the next day, I might be able to avoid the worst of it. And we Brits are notorious for our binge drinking. Terrible stuff!

amy - daaamn, how was Thailand? Hope you had a hot time - get a post up on your blog and spill all the beans! I'm too jealous. I live about a million miles away from Thailand so it'd cost a BOMB for me to go - though I am heading to Malaysia soon to see family, and as it's right next door, I might see if I can ferry over just to check it out. Hell, my cousins in Malaysia just go across to go shopping, so it doesn't seem like an awkward detour, ha.

Catch you all sooooon

Q x

Oh good lord! 510 calories?

Finally finished the work!! All essays handed in today so now I get a week of FREEDOM. Hooray!

Eating's been ok actually - sticking generally to the 2 4 6 8 but I need to control the late night eating. Last night I had a bowl of shreddies, dammit. That was probably about 200 cals on top of that. Still, Rick told me 9 stone 3 this morning, so I can only hope it keeps dropping...

OMG. If you live in the UK, or can get on this website anyway (wasn't sure), go on bbc.co.uk/radio1 and click on the little picture that says 'convert your pints to calories'. Then you just follow the instructions and enter your details - tells you how many calories you consumed when you drank alcohol, which for me, as a student, is a twice-weekly occurrence. I put my other-night details in (most of a bottle of wine - I averaged it to 3 glasses, and 2 double spirit + mixers when I got to the club) and it told me I'd had 10 units in that night (ooer), spent about 17 quid (which was wrong - where I live is VERY cheap) and had 510 calories from it - the equivalent to a burger and and a Danish pastry. I starve myself in the day and then have a burger and Danish pastry in the evening! Horrible. Horrible horrible. I didn't even drink that much that night in comparison to normally. Admittedly it wasn't as bad as I expected (my friend said her friend got about 2500 calories from one night out) but that's still rubbish when you're trying to restrict. I assume you lot aren't as awful binge-drinkers as me...

Thing is, it's so HARD to avoid stupid amounts of alcohol when you're at a British university. It's just the NORM, especially if you join a sport or hobby and go on socials. My NY resolution was only to go out once a week, and when I told my friends, they all shot me down; "what! That means if you go on a social you can't go out with your friends until the next week? And then you have to avoid the next social? Don't be stupid, Q. You won't be doing that." and, as tragic as it is, I can't really avoid alcohol on nights out or it's just rubbish. I've done that before - designated driver - and the night drags and you have to deal with all your drunk friends and that just makes me dislike them (I'm not a fan of drunk people). I might give up alcohol for Lent just so my friends don't think I'm absolutely mad if I spontaneously do it now, and try and continue it from there... I need to find out how to have a good night without alcohol. At least no hangover! And I can't even justify why I'm doing it, as if my friends knew how much I calorie-count, they'd think I'm just as pathetic...

It's tragic, it really is. Feel free to look at me and think 'what a loser.' I'm looking at myself and thinking that right now.

Hey ho.

Still haven't hit the gym - intend to go tomorrow morning now I'm free and go every day until I'm back at uni and have to start organising days. No excuses now - got to get back into the cycle.

DEAR LORD, PLEASE LET ME LOSE WEIGHT FOR EVER AND JUST BE SKINNY AND STOP MAKING THIS WEIGHT LOSS MALARKEY SO HARD. I DON'T CARE IF I'M AT A NORMAL WEIGHT RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO BE SKINNY. TA.

Q x

Yawn

Re-starting the 2 4 6 8 doodah. Ricky gave me 9 stone 6 yesterday, and I'm so BORED of flitting round the low-mid 9 stone region. I want to be THINNER. I want to be 8 STONE. So only 200 calories today. I'll have a coffee this morning, then get a cereal bar on the way back from househunting, then have some grapes to accompany my essay. And I will be SKINNY. I'm doing it a bit different this time - instead of doing 8 6 4 2 4 6 8 6 4 2 etc., I'm doing 2 4 6 8 2 4 6 8 etc. A website said play around and see what works for you. This is going to be fun.

Speaking of househunting, think I've found a place for next year. It's a cute little 'flat' (though it's designed more like a house), nicely laid out where we can make it into a teeny girls' place. Currently it's got 3 foreign students in which means it's all bare and horrible and stinks of weed, but we'll turn it into a beautiful place when we move in. I'm already excited. We're going back today to check it out and make notes of all the things we want changed; luckily we can be VERY demanding with our landlord.

I'm getting so desperate for my essays to be over. I miss the gym! I'll go back as unfit as I always was... though I do intend to head there when I wake up tomorrow morning. When I'm done life is gonna be insane... lots of partying - on Thursday we're all heading a nearby city to rave it up and get back horribly early on Friday no doubt, then Friday night there's a house party (Boy's house, eeek), then Saturday night our student club will be PACKED. My god, the amount of alcohol I'll be consuming in those few days will be horrendous. Pray for my liver.

Finis.

Q x

Work work work

I'm sorry I haven't been updating much. I've been in a mad I've-got-loads-of-work-waaa place in my life, which means I can get very forgetful about other stuff! It's exam period and we're all going nuts. Most of my housemates have stopped sleeping. How do they pull all-nighters two days in a row? I'm the youngest and I happily think I'm too old for that...

It also means the gym's taken a back seat. BOO. I barely have any time to go until Friday at the mo. Not only work (the 4500 words are coming along, er, nicely) but we've also got to cram in house-hunting; which I'm really excited about, actually. Me, M and a dance friend I'll call L are living together next year, so it'll be such a nice change from a messy, 8-bedroom boys' house to a little, cute girls' house. We can walk around in our underwear or looking like shit without risk of running into completely random hot guys (which happens far too often!) Hoorah! And by then I'll look HOT in my underwear...

The New Year's Resolutions are coming along nicely, actually. When it comes to being more girly I've been keeping my nails painted all the time (which lets them grow - so when they're long and pretty-looking I don't chew the skin around my fingers, yes!), worn lots of jingly bracelets and put more effort into looking nice every time I leave the house, ha. I've also taken to exfoliating my skin every time I shower (something I didn't do very often before) and covering it in body butter when I come out, though I'm not entirely sure if that actually does anything except leave me feeling a bit sticky...

I've also left the straighteners untouched since I've got back. Hooray! My NY resolution was to only use them for nights out, and I like to think my hair is thanking me for not being frazzled every day. All this effort on my appearance has me feeling far more confident about myself. It sounds vain, but with recent comments I've heard, and with the looks I get from random people walking around uni, I've started to think, maybe I am one of those girls people look at and think, wow. I don't think it's down to my looks; I think it's my confidence! They say that kind of thing shows through, right? I hope so.

Of course, my weight's still gross, but it's alright, we can fix it.

As for food... M's come back, and I think she's a bad influence on me. She'll just say things like "let's eat this" and I'll just cave and say yes because I'm so hungry. When I'm hungry I need to be alone or I WILL cave at the smallest suggestions; I guess I have to man up a bit and say no. Make up excuses. Bahh. So I've been eating fairly, ugh, normally as of late, though I am still trying to not eat past 5pm. My weight's been cool with it, flitting around between 9 stone 3 and 5, but I NEED to get it lower. Once my work's cleared and I'm back at the gym, I might try the 2 4 6 8 again to break down into the 8 stone category. I can get there! I've just got to suck it up and get with the programme. And get over M's influence, haha.

It's funny, my friend K who was always quite big looks like she's lost weight over the holidays, and M seems very resentful of that. Maybe she is one of those people who hates the idea of people getting skinnier than her? She did flip out when I weighed my lowest before, in October. I'd hate for her to sabotage my efforts. Hummmm.

Always forgot to mention it - hooray for followers now in the 30s! If it gets to 50 and I have a working camera I'll do a body shot, eek. Be prepared; it ain't pretty!

Alright, see ya :)

Q x

BAM, 3000 words.

Or to be more precise, 2713. But it's in the 10%-either-way margin. So it is a completed essay.

Now... just 4500 words of assignments left to write! ... Well, that was a brief high.

No gym today, but my eating hasn't been too bad. Had a brioche roll for breakfast (those things are awful, I know, but taste SO GOOD), then an apple, then some branflakes for lunch (er, yeah), then another apple, then a coffee, and that's it so far. It's 10 to 9 now so I hope not to eat anything else. I'm feeling a bit weak from hunger so that's got to be a good thing on the restricting-front. Had a pretty good gym session yesterday, as well - didn't quite make it to 20 minutes on the treadmill but I was interval training for longer, and that always takes it out of me. Still no studio access. Ho hum.

In response to Ariana - yeahh I do some dance teaching, I'll try to describe it... my university has a sort-of dance school, and this year, I run it haha. So I sort out all the classes and the shows and whatnot. I also do any other necessary teaching, so when it comes to shows, I choreograph and teach opening numbers or finales. And I only started doing ballet last year! Even though I've danced since I was very little. I'm terrible at it! Hahah. At my old dance school the teacher used to hate me because every other girl in the class was ballet-trained and I wasn't, and I guess that shows. It's a good foundation dance to learn.

I read an article yesterday about how 75% of women feel guilty after eating anything, and how mad it all was. I guess it's true, but really, how do they expect us to not feel like that when the pictures accompanying the article are of beautiful model girls who are at least 2 or 3 dress sizes smaller? I might write in and say something like that. It's funny, at the end they showed a diary of a 'calorista', like we were all meant to be shocked by her calorie-counting or something, but I just thought, yeah right! She's eating loads... still 3 meals a day + snacks... hardly a 'calorista' if you ask me.

Also had another stupid article with some actress who's all, oh my weight is so healthy, it always returns to between 8 and 8 and a half stone no matter what I do really. BITCH. How do celebrities weigh so little?? Why don't I weigh that yet? I suppose they're rich... so they can afford personal trainers... and fancy chefs to cook them amazing diet food. And they have extra motivation because they're papped wherever they go, and the camera adds half a stone. And they're constantly being compared to all the other skinnies out there. Hmm... ok, fair point.

Never mind, I'll be joining them soon! With luck...

Q x

Return of the gym bunny!!

Gym day 2 was MUCH better than Gym day 1. I know it's technically yesterday, now, but ehh. I did everything I said I would (treadmill, rowing, cycling, cross-trainer, plus all my toning stuff) and managed to get in some stretching, though I couldn't get into the studio to choreograph. I hope it frees up more - I haven't been able to get in yet - dance classes start up in a couple of weeks and I better have something to teach! Saying that, my ballet teacher plans on using the empty studio in the Student Union to choreograph (with me as her stand-in partner) so I could always use that time, too. It's gonna be fun standing in for her - I'm terrible at ballet, and she's gonna be prancing around en pointe around me. She's one of the best ballet dancers I've ever seen in the flesh.

Anywho, back to the gym. I was aching so much that I didn't go today (which I was sad about - yesss, the gym bunny's back!) - but if I go again tomorrow and work myself out in the same way (or harder), I think going every other day will be ok while I work on bringing my fitness back up to scratch. I also found I was generous with the plank - I wrote down in my gym plan to hold it for 10 seconds, but the yesterday I did it for 20! Waheyyy. I'm gonna try and keep building that up, a couple of seconds per session, until I'm holding it for AGES. When I'm doing toning stuff there's always blokes next to me who try and show off, so when I gave up the plank after 20 seconds, this guy got into it and started doing leg-raising activities IN plank position (arghh) for a long time. But then he sat with his legs out and tried to touch his toes. And failed. So I sat in that position and put my head on my knees. HA, suck on that, gym boy!

You know what's funny? When I joined this gym, I signed a 12-month contract and thought, huh, I hope I stick around for the 12 months so I don't waste the money. Last time I joined a gym I stuck around for about 3, max. But this time... now I'm dreading my contract running out!

Trying to avoid late-night eating... arghhh, need to get back into my old habits! I seem to get stomach cramps when I deprive myself of food after a certain time so earlier I caved in and ate two pieces of bread. I need to just man up and get through the cramps.

Realised I never answered a question Ariana asked me the other day, about my degree. Hmm, well in British unis we don't really 'major' in anything, we just kinda pick a degree course and roll with it. Saying that, ironically, my degree course is English with Creative Writing, so that does technically mean English is like my major and Creative Writing is like my minor, haha :) I'm a bit of a rarity, though. Most people either pick one subject or do Joint Honours - so equal amounts of two different subjects. Also, English IS English Literature, and I have a lot of essays to write, plus all the Creative Writing bits! Hence the stupid amount of writing... tomorrow I have to try and get through 3000 words of Elizabethan torture... oh, what japes! Can hardly wait.

Anyway, I'm out, yo.

Q x

Sufferings

Well, I think yesterday was the closest thing I had to a fast. Yeah, I had the sausage butty in the morning, but after that, I ate nothing. Don't underestimate me ladies and gents, whilst fasts are backhand knowledge for a lot of you lucky ones, for me it's a bit of a tricky deal. My body made me pay, too. As I expected, I didn't get much sleep, and I woke up feeling absolutely awful. I had the night sweats but was shivering uncontrollably and had to get up and eat a barrel of branflakes to calm my body down and head back into bed to actually get some sleep. And the gym didn't happen today. Oh dear!

So, whilst I can get to low calories, I definitely need to stagger them throughout the day or I'll keel over, practically. C'est la vie! I do sort-of want to try a proper fast but I'm nervous of how rubbish it makes me feel... maybe if I have a day where I'm on my own and have nothing to do, and nothing to do the following morning, I'll give it a go. How do some of you do it for 3 days or more? Impressive stuff!

Just read an article with Kelly Osbourne in Cosmo and it's all oooh, she's lost so much weight, she looks amazing. Apparently she got from 12 stone to 8 stone 7 lbs and is now a size 6 (my dream.) I hate it when they brief the diet though, as successful dieters always seem to recommend eating so much! I don't understand it... if I ate that much I'd balloon up!

She also said 3 or 4 times a week she runs for half an hour on the treadmill, so I'll aim to get my time up to that. My personal trainer told me fat burn only occurs after 20 minutes of steady running, as the initial stuff is just burning carbs. Time to crank it up!

Off to the gym tomorrow... I pray for more success than yesterday's!

Love love

Q x

Never forget a sports bra

Well, gym day 1 was a massive fail. I've gotten SERIOUSLY unfit over Christmas. Need to kick it all back up. First of all, I forgot my sports bra. OH NOOO. Can I jog around with my boobs flying free as the wind? I don't think so! Ok, no treadmill... ok, I'm on the cross trainer... why is this making me feel so sick I normally never get puffed at the cross trainer! Oh look at the treadmill, it's so enticing... ok I'll get on it... oh god the boobs are going oh god this is TIRING. Only did about 10 minutes of interval training then literally had to give up. Patheticos. Went on the cycling machine for 10 minutes, then I just called it quits and had a shower with my head hung in shame. Oh dear, day 1!

Dad was still around this morning, too (he dropped me back at uni yesterday and stayed the night as it's a looong drive from here to home) so he insisted we go out for breakfast. I ended up eating a sausage sandwich and a coffee. Anyway, I think that was far over my 200 cals allowed for the day (shame it had to all be eaten in one go) so I'm going to fast for the rest of the day. Got to head to the library to do loads of work, but housemate A is coming with so at least we can suffer together.

I forgot to do my toning stuff too (push-ups, crunches etc.) so I'll do them when I get back from the library later on. The house is dead - it's really weird, seeing as there's currently 5 of us living here. No-one else is really around, though, so it's a tad boring. Still, 7500 words to write by next Wednesday... pray that I won't drop dead of boredom...

Q x

Plan

I had a horribly normal day of eating today. I guess it was after going out last night. I wasn't hungover, but post-alcohol always makes you a bit groggy and food normally helps. Sigh. This is something I'll need to push through - though it'll be much easier to do so when I'm back in the uni house and there just ISN'T food lying around that I can eat.

On that note, I'm restarting the 2 4 6 8 diet on Monday, when I'll have my diet back to myself. Until then I'm trying to restrict as much as I can. I really hope being at my uni house will help and not make me put on weight... I think the alcohol has something to do with it, but seeing as I'm only planning on going out once a week (and I'll have deliberate non-drinking nights at socials if need be, as they are quite frequent), I'm hoping it won't be as bad as it has been in the last semester.

I haven't seen the pics yet of last night, but from what I can remember, I didn't look fat! Though I was wearing this loose floaty dress so that might be why... but I pretended I had a skinny body under there! It's funny, I was looking at this one photo of myself from a weird angle, and I had strange thoughts about it. It looked like, like I had the POTENTIAL to be really tiny. I have a small bone structure and I'm cool with it. But there's just too much flabby stuff going on around it. I need to get rid of that, and I'll be petite. Ahh, I want to show you the photo! But I'm too wary of anonymity. It's a photo of me dancing, so if a dancer friend HAPPENED to stumble across this (I know how unlikely it is), they'd know straight away. Still, I might print out that picture and keep it in my purse or something, as a reminder that I HAVE THE POTENTIAL but must MAKE THE EFFORT to make it happen.

Oh, friend just stuck a few pics from last night on Facebook... well, there's no fatness going on! Allllll gooood.

I've got a new exercise plan for the gym (inspired by Ariana's). I'm hopefully gonna have Wednesdays and Fridays free this semester (well, one or the other, probably) and of course the weekends, so on said days I'll get up early and spend the day there before dance. Here is le plan!

Things to ALWAYS do:

- Light stretching (as a warm-up)
- Treadmill - interval training + jogging - minimum 20 mins (I hear you're meant to do interval training for 20 minutes ideally but I struggle with that! Maybe I sprint too fast? I'll make it up with jogging until I've got it.)
- Cross-trainer - interval training - minimum 15 mins (I find the cross-trainer sooooo boring so I've given it a lower time)
- Cycling - minimum 15 mins (ditto)
- Crunches - 20 reps x 3 (short rest inbetween)
- Push-ups + tricep push-ups - 10 reps x 3 (ditto)
- Back raises - 10 reps x 3 (double ditto)
- Plank - 10 seconds (increase weekly - trying to build it up for as long as possible!)

Things to sometimes do when you can be bothered/need to:

- Rowing machine - minimum 15 mins (I feel NOTHING from this machine, I don't feel it working me out at all no matter what technique I use or what setting I put it at, hence its only occasional use.)
- Bicep and tricep curls (if no-one's hogging the weights and I'm feeling like it!)
- Studio time (dancing and stretching - only on availability!)
- Sauna! Treat maself

All intensity/length will be increased when I get super fit and they don't feel like they're working me out any more.

Sounds alright to me!

Q x

Literally blogging so I don't run into the kitchen and binge my head off.

DISTRACT MEEEE.

I know, I've already blogged today. This is just lame. I hope that in your part of the world it's actually the next day, so I look like I do have a life outside the internet.

I'm quite proud of my intake today. Started the day off with a little bowl of branflakes. About 100 cals, kickstarts the metabolism, all gooood. Then I had a coffee, standard. Then a fat-free yoghurt. Then - get this - was starving, but AVOIDED A BINGE. Was SO CLOSE. Ate one of these stupid little cracker things, tasted really good, tried one with Boursin cheese, ok, omg look there's pasta in the fridge, I'm hungry, let's eat some!! Get a fork!! Oh look, clingfilm, take it off, NO DON'T DO THIS, nah doesn't matter I'm starving, NO YOU'LL ONLY REGRET IT, THIS IS THE POINT WHERE YOU TURN BACK, screw you conscience, this'll be good for my metabolism, NO IT WON'T FATTY, THIS IS WHY YOU WON'T EVER GET SKINNY, I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS, JUST TURN AWAY, oh shit you're probably right, I'll never be skinny, I can't do this, I'm putting the fork down.

Oh man, I'm going to try and have that stupid argument in my head every time I binge. It just might work!

No fo' real, I'm proud of myself.

Then what did I eat after that? Er, picked at some cherry tomatoes, then went to the cinema, where friend was on a diet toooooo so brought along diet coke and grapes to snack on (score) which was essentially my dinner, and then just had a coffee as I'm SO BLOODY HUNGRY but TRYING TO RESIST.

I know it's not as awesome as some of your intakes (actually when I write it down it looks like quite a lot) but I'm ok with that. I WON'T binge tonight, I will go to bed hungry and thus be successful! Huzzah!

Thank you amy for your comment on the last post. I actually kind of think of you as my blogging sister as we both started our blogs at the same time and sort of discovered each other's and started supporting each other at the same time. The only difference is that you have about a million followers now, and rightly deserved! I do love everyone who comments, though. A lot. And my followers. Believe me, a few kind words of support and your names and words get stuck in my head for a loooooong time.

Saw Gulliver's Travels today. Not much cop. It's a shame as they had all that comedy genius, like Catherine Tate and Billy Connolly and (much as I hate to admit it) James Corden, and they barely did anything. They just made it about the hopelessly mundane Emily Blunt. Shame. The cinema was also rubbish as these stupid tweeny girls came and sat in front of us with McDonalds (that's against cinema law, yo) and made loads of noise and danced around and when I loudly bitched about them they seemed annoyed and I swear one of them threw a chip at me. And even when the cinema lady came in and was like "GET RID OF YOUR FOOD" they just ignored her. Then they ran out as soon as the film ended and left McDonalds bags and other crap EVERYWHERE, which I just think is disgraceful as the poor cinema staff have to clear that up. Take your rubbish out! I almost forgot I was an adult and wanted to kick their chairs a lot.

Oh, the burdens of young teenagers trying to be cooler than they are! We've all been there, I suppose.

Alright, I'm out! Love you all,

Q x

Witty title

Feel like I've abandoned the blog a bit. Need to post every day, dammit Janet! I was looking over the blog and I feel a bit rubbish. I started this at 9 stone 6 lbs. In AUGUST. And now I'm what, 9 stone 3? I've only lost about 3 pounds in general? Dunno how you lot have stuck with me. I feel laaame. I always think I've lost so much weight because I started this whole weight loss effort in June when I was 10 stone 4, but I seemed to have lost a lot quickly and then the rest is taking its time. I said I'd be under 9 stone by Halloween. FAIL. I really am going to have to buck up my ideas now we're in 2011. What worries me as well is the fact I eat more but lose weight when I come home. I don't think it's fat, I think it's muscle. I mean, I do go out less so the lack of alcohol might have something to do with it, but my legs are definitely looking flabbier without the dancing. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK TO THE GYM. I went on a search for the workout DVDs yesterday and they have definitely been left at uni. Ho hum. I wish it was summer, then I could go jogging!

I'm off to the cinema today. How fatty is popcorn? I might try to avoid it. I seem to be getting back into late-night eating as well. Aghhhh.

Also saw that the Pretty Skinny Crew and my boy mates all went out in a nearby town recently. There are pics all over Facebook. They just look so SKINNY and perfect. How do they maintain that? You know what frustrates me - they all have perfect teeth. Perfect teeth are just so hard to GET without ounces of money in England. My teeth are set out right but they're discoloured and NOTHING seems to fix them. I've been through millions of whitening kits and whitening toothpastes and none of them make the slightest difference in the long run. If I wanted whitey-white teeth, I'd have to fork out hundreds of pounds to get them done at the dentist. I even casually asked my mum once and she practically spat all over the idea due to how expensive it is. Does anyone have any good whitening tips?? I'm at the end of my tether here. I genuinely believe that if I had nicer teeth I'd be much more confident with my appearance - facially, at least. If I got skinny and had whiter teeth I'd be elated!

I'm cursed I tells ya. Cuuuursed.

Oh gym, we'll be together soon!

Q x

Dream eating

200 was sabotaged today by the weekly Sunday roast. Bah. Back to it tomorrow, then! Thank god when I go back to uni I'll have no reasons not to stick to my plan. I'm going back a week today, and for a good few weeks I'll have no formal uni, so I'm planning on going to the gym at LEAST 4 times a week. Hopefully every day! I need to start choreographing for the next semester of dance, too, and the studio at the gym is amazing for that. Got plenty going on this semester!

I had a binge in my dream last night. How weird is that? I remember eating pizza and chips and all this other weird stuff. Seemed to spend a while looking for garlic butter to dip my crusts into, and my friend kept loads in a Yazoo chocolate milk bottle. Woke up kinda halfway through it and realised it wasn't real and I hadn't binged, so I tried to dream my way back into it. Hey, it's a binge that won't hinder my weight at all! What's not to love?

Then again, I also dreamt I lived in a supermarket. Maybe my subconscious is telling me I miss food or something!

Haven't been exercising as much, either - think I might have left the workout DVDs at uni. Erck. Wish it wasn't so cold so I could go for a jog. I'm going to start choreographing this week, though (maybe tonight) and that can work me into a bit of a sweat, so that's not too bad.

Bit depressed about the grand total of 10,000 words I have to write over the holidays. When I get back to uni I am going to LIVE in the library. It's a total of 4 assignments, and I can get one polished and dusted without a library so at least that's 2500 words out of the way by next week, but the rest I really need the library for. Luckily I can whack out 1000 words or so per hour, so I'm not too worried.

Shopping again tomorrow... do I have an addiction to spending money? My god, I need the next student loan pay-in! Or a job at uni. Both would be nice!

EDIT: B put her New Year's Eve pics on Facebook. My god, I STILL look fat. Ok, there weren't really any body shots, but my face looks fat. From what you can see of me, I look gross. I look bigger than B. Well, at least next New Year's Eve I can look at a MUCH skinnier Q... ugh! Can't bloody wait!

Q x

Oh hey 2011...

Happy new year my darlings! What a year it's going to be. I LOVE fresh starts. What do you hope for this year? This is what I hope for:

- Get skinny, obviously! I'd love to be 8 and a half stone. I think it's manageable. Ideally I'd love to get to 8 stone and be pretty and petite, but I wouldn't let myself get lower than that. I'd be happy with an 8 stone body and I do want to stay in the healthy BMI category. Just for peace of mind.

- Pass second year of uni. Hopefully with a 2:1. Or a 1st! But let's not get wistful. I'll do my best and see what happens!

- Become much more open with men. I might start taking a yes-man approach - I get hit on a lot but I'm always nervous and turn things down. Maybe I should just start embracing what comes my way. As long as I'm smart about it, it'll be alright. Who knows what could happen!

- Be prettier and girlier. It's been going well so far! I feel much happier with myself. Even very small, simple things like wearing nail polish add such a change to how I feel about myself. Going well!

- Have non-gross red raw fingers from picking and biting the skin... (hoping Amy will join me with this, haha!)

- Make more time for my friends. Just generally have a better balance of the things in my life - work, dance, friends. But go out less! I drink far too much and I want to calm it down.

Oh yeahhh, what a year. I've bored you with my full-on resolutions before so I won't repeat them, but you get the gist from the above. I had an alright night last night - started off with drinking games with B, her housemate and a load of housemate's male friends (who were friendly enough), ended up at a massive nightclub I've never been to before with completely different people, felt comfortable with myself and my outfit, just boogied the night away. Didn't stay too late (only until about 2 o'clock) but I didn't mind. I end up fantasizing about bed anyway (though I did end up crashing on the floor, standard.)

Went with B. She's been feeling so rubbish about her weight these days and I hate to say it, she's starting to become like reverse-thinspo to me. We've always been a similar weight and size, but now she's heavier than she's ever been - heavier than I've ever been, too. She told me her weight at the start of the evening and I wish she hadn't, because I became so AWARE of it. I cruelly kept spotting petty things like the fact she's got a double-chin now. Then all she wanted to do was eat - eat before the night, eat after, eat as soon as we woke up. When we went to the train station to go home she was going on about eating some pastry thing with cheese and bacon and sausage and it was enough to put me off eating. I ended up getting a mocha - I hate it when they don't have just white coffee available. I don't really like any other kind of coffee (Americano, cappucino, that kind of thing) so I have to go for the highest-cal option!

It just frustrates me when people are all "ohhh I'm so fat I need to lose weight" but then don't bother actually doing anything. She was going on about going to the gym in the morning (she's one of those who has a gym membership but has never used it) and didn't. And she wanted to eat pizza after a night out! If she's so aware of her weight and so unhappy, why doesn't she try and change things? I wouldn't be so mad if she embraced food and her weight, like M, which is inspirational. I'd love to feel that comfortable, and that's probably why M looks so good and healthy when she eats quite a lot of junk food. But when it's clear she isn't happy but won't put in the effort, that's what's frustrating. I might just get skinnier and skinnier in protest. Hell, I'm planning on getting skinnier and skinnier anyway!

Oh, and the hair's turned out a nice colour. It's not as red as I hoped (Ariana, you're right - I do have Asian hair which means any colour doesn't really show) but it has made my hair tone so much warmer, somehow. It was dark brown and kind of a flat colour before, but now it looks much more lush. It seems slightly darker too, but it's a nice shade. It compliments my face. Basically, I'm pleased! I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture.

Awright, gonna love you and leave you here. Hooray to new starts!

2011 - THE YEAR OF THE SKINNY GIRL

Battle cry!

Q x