Sorry about the lack of update! You know what - yesterday was pretty awful too. I'm getting back on track today, but yesterday... I went to a VIP thing at a club with free champagne because I'm clearly that awesome and they had CANAPES. They were... nice. I ate... a few. A lot. You know what though? My body punished me, and I MUCH prefer the feeling of being malnourished and starving at a club than the feeling of being ridiculously bloated. At least with the former you feel skinny. So yeah. No no no not a good idea again.What's the limit today? 450? I've already had a 95 cal bowl of cereal so 355 left for the day... I'm thinking a cereal bar before I go to the gym at lunchtime which is 61 cals so then I'd have 294 left... awesome.
Got my third (and last) PT session at the gym today. Pray for me.
The blokes on the last couple of nights out are ridiculous. I know Fresher boys are notoriously pervy but I wanted to punch a lot of them last night. Felt quite flattered the night before, though - we had to dress up in a beachy theme so I had denim shorts and a bright coral-coloured top and of course lots of Hawaiian flower necklaces and flowers in my hair, and I got a lot of head turns. HURRAH. Apparently I need that pathetic self esteem boost. Even Boy - sorry, J - remarked that my outfit looked great. Of course, M ruined it when we got home. We were talking about weight loss and losing weight over summer, and I said casually that I'd lost quite a bit but it wasn't really noticeable. Her and G told me it was noticeable, and M was all "yeah... stop there." I was like huh? She then started looking at pics and going "my GOD, Q, you look SO THIN. It's disgusting. You look like you're starving yourself! Look at your arms in that pic... that's so anorexic!"
Well, that's rude. I mean, sure, I sort-of am starving myself to be skinny but where does she get off saying I look awful? If I turned to her and said "Good lord, M, lose some weight, your flabby arms look horrific!" she'd be horrified. Yet it's ok for her to say I look gross.
What a self esteem crash. I know she's just jealous.
(I'd like to stress - I do NOT look anorexicly thin, I'm still about 130 lbs for christ sake, but in some photos I looked a bit thinNER, and this apparently displeased M.)
I'm worried now she'll notice if I don't eat a lot and start forcing me to eat. I'm gonna do the ol' trick of talking animatedly about all the nice food I'd just eaten before she got here (aka lie) to fend her off.
You're gonna hate me, but I want to talk to J tonight. After the other night when he was floating around me a lot but didn't try anything on I'm frustrated and confused. And I hate this confused feeling... so if I see him tonight, I'm getting it out of him - what he actually thinks of me and why he's being such a dick about it. If he says he doesn't like me (which I'm fully expecting) I'll at least have closure and won't have to be so stupidly hopeful all the time. I'll get my bloody answers if it kills me!
Dance starts up again soon... 2-3 hours of dancing per night? Yes please!
Adios,
Q x
Being bloated at a club doesn't sound good at all, least you can burn it off in your PT today? Good luck with the silly man- don't take anything he says to heart! & M's just jealous, she's only trying to make herself feel better by comparison which is sad. It not ok for her to say that but its become the social norm... amongst girls anyways. Don't listen, i'm sure you look amazing!
ReplyDeleteDancing sounds like great fun! and will burn extra cals- win win :)
Keep going with SGD, don't give up! xxx
M is clearly jealous of your self-control. Put a stop to it the next time she tries to put you down - she probably doesn't realise that it's actually a bitchy thing to say (I mean, when we try to be thin, saying someone looks ano is kinda a compliment) - so just take her aside, and tell her politely but firmly. I'm jealous that you're turning heads! Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeletexxKat
dw beautiful she's probably just jealous. and it's true - how can she tell u that you look shit for being thin when you could just as easily tell her she looks shit coz she's fat? brush it off and know that you're on the right track xx
ReplyDeleteI think the empty skinny feeling sucks until I break down and feel the bloated fat feeling.. and then I realize I much prefer beign empty. Only I can never remember that until after I eat. Shit, haha.
ReplyDeleteShe is definitely just jealous, I'm sure you look amazing, and shes pissed that you have self control while she has none. I dont know how much self control I would have had in your situation.. I probably would have said the things that you managed to keep to yourself haha.
sounds like you're having lots of fun! and i would think she's jealous! telling someone to "stop there" is like saying "i don't want you to get any skinnier because it will make me look that much fatter" so don't worry about it!
ReplyDeleteintake today so far is awesome! keep it up, and have lots of fun at dance!
xoxo