No place like home

So my sister gets this biiig chocolate cake for her 21st birthday. And as I'm eating it, all I can think of is that stupid song that goes 'this is why I'm hot! This is why I'm hot!' except in my head, it was going - 'this is why I'm fat! This is why I'm fat! This is why - this is why - this is why I'm fat!'

I'm going on holiday on Sunday and I'm nervous. I went bikini shopping today and it was HORRIBLE. I look awful in a bikini. I'm just going to pretend, on the beach, that I'm a Victoria's Secret model and I look HOT and maybe it won't be too obvious I'll be screaming 'ARGHHHHH' in my head.

AND STRICTLY NO PHOTOS.

They depress me.

It's lovely being home. It's lovely being with the family. Luckily my sister's health-paranoid too so we're gonna go running and stuff together. Sans gym, sadly. Her birthday party's tomorrow and it's a bit manic in my house preparing for it. My mum is BRILLIANT. She hired one of those massive inflatable gladiator fight things... ahh, you know, the ones where you hit each other with sticks... and fall off podiums... hard to explain, is there a picture?

Haha! Yes! You've got to whack at each other until one of you falls off. They used to do it on Gladiators. Last time I did one, at a fair, the podiums were so far apart me and my friend couldn't reach each other, so I hope that doesn't happen tomorrow. Or if it does, at least it'll be hilarious.

As soon as this holiday's over, I'm going back to hardcore starvation. Thing is, a lot of it is frame of mind, right? For example, when I'm dancing every day, I look in the mirror and think, cor my legs look fantastic, but as soon as I stop, I think all my muscle has just GONE and they look awful. Which isn't true - they can't just go overnight, right? Anyway, when I'm starving, I FEEL skinny and dainty and good, but when I eat, I just feel... horrible. I hate that horrible, fat feeling. Like I've lost control and have to rely on my appetite or something. No no. Eating lots is overrated. I probably LOOK the same, but it's all psychological. I'm happy feeling skinny.

I complain and say it's harder to starve at home, but I seem to lose the most weight at home. So it can't be that bad. I just need to man up. Tomorrow lots of titbits are going up at my sister's party, so it'll be easy to avoid them if I keep myself distracted and drink lots. I'll have a small bowl of branflakes for brekkie then take the day from there.

I seem to be constantly changing plan these days. I'm rubbish at eating. I'm rubbish at food. I can't find a happy balance. I hate this.

C'est la vie!

Q x

Keep on dancing til the world ends

We're all happy to still be alive? Oh good. That man must be feeling mighty stupid right now. Like he felt in 1994. and 1993... and 1992... hmm, maybe he should just give up.

NEVER MIND, still got the Mayan one to look forward to! That one's had so much hype, it'll be hilarious when it doesn't happen.

Oh dear, bloggers, I've hit a DANGEROUS POINT in life. And by that I mean EXAM TIME. Whilst we spend our lives revising, it's custom to snack on junk food all the time for comfort - it seems unavoidable. I haven't been as bad as some of the others, but I am eating when I don't need to. Doh. There's something so stupidly tempting about it. I'm meant to be going for lunch with a friend today, which isn't too bad as I can order healthy, but she hasn't got back to me so I'm not sure if it's still happening. Ho hum...

Don't really know what to yak about. All my time has been filled up with revision. I'm going home in 2 days and I'm practically jittering I'm so excited. I'm so keen to be outta here.

Ta ra!

Q x

Dehydrated.

Ended up going out last night in the end, though it was to a different club and I just spontaneously decided to go, roping in a couple of dance friends. You ever hear about those British underground clubs where everything's grungy and indie music plays all night and you can go as dressed up or dressed down as you want because no one cares? Yeah, it's one of those. Though not technically underground. There's a lot of focus on being 'cool' in there, and people wear some really old and grubby stuff, but who cares, because the edgier the better. This guy in front of me in the queue was wearing a leather jacket that had peeled so much it looked like he literally got a cheese grater and rubbed it up a bit. But, you know, COOL. The drinks are cheap and the measures are massive, so it's not difficult to get horrendously drunk there. Sadly, I was one of those people.

I remember getting into a drunken strop and getting annoyed with the fact I wasn't blonde? I was seriously upset about it at the time. I was with a whole lot of blonde girls and I felt like the ugly one. I do feel like that sometimes in dance, as it is full of pretty blonde girls (and they can get a bit cliquey), but last night I was just having some weird drunken cry about it. In the loos, course. I pray that no one saw me.

Hello, hangover!

It also means I'm eating quite a bit today. Well, not quite a bit, but I'm always a bit lax with what I eat when I'm hungover. I had a bowl of branflakes for breakfast, then did my radio show on the student radio, then got a jacket potato from the snack bar. I got cheese and beans with it. I was gonna give up cheese for this bikini diet, but like I said, hangover! Plus, I've been told I need to load my body with calcium as I'm on the contraceptive injection and that can fiddle with your bones a bit, so it's best to keep some of it around. The guy was all 'do you want butter?' and I should have been like 'no, ta' but I was like 'yeah, go on then!' Ooer. That's been it so far (2 in the afternoon). I might grill a couple of sausages and have that later, then in the evening I'm going for drinks with the dance girls. It's gonna be weird as it might be the last time I see some of the ones graduating.

Speaking of dance, I get to teach two classes next year - Street/Hip-Hop for beginners, and Street/Hip-Hop at an advanced level! Yesss. I'm really excited. I'm so glad I finally get to teach an advanced class. More of an incentive to get buff - I need good core strength for the harder moves, and I want to be able to LOOK like a hip-hop dancer! Crop tops and abs, anyone?

There's a really weird news story at the moment. This bloke is wandering around Wales taking a pony with him into public places, like pubs and stuff. He tried to get it on a train and even bought it a ticket. Hahaaa. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-13451965 - check it out, just casually chilling in a hospital.

(Still haven't weighed myself yet... scaaared.)

Over and out!

Q x

Gym n tings

Read this in the voice of the professor from Futurama.

'Good news everyone! I found my joggers!'

Lurking in my duvet cover after putting them to wash... cheeky disappearance.

I tackled the gym today, but it wasn't as successful as I would have hoped. I didn't book myself for the exercise classes as I thought I was going out in the evening, though we re-arranged at the last minute. So ordinary gym it was. Was all good up to when I hit the treadmill - my thighs did this weird jelly-thing and it was agony to run. No idea why! I had just been mucking around on the power plate, so it might have been down to that... hmm. I got a good toning session but I wasn't feeling 100%. It didn't help that the gym's air con was broken. And then I lost my gym card. DOH.

Food today has been aiiight!

Brekkie: branflakes (standard)
Mid-morning/afternoon - Mocha and a Cloud Nine smoothie (it's all fruit and stuff... yeah.)
Lunch/dinner (would that be dunch? Or linner?) - Jacky P with tuna and leafy salad, and an apple

Might have a coffee later... but hopefully that'll be it. I'm not feeling too skinny these days. I might brave Ricky tomorrow morning.

I'm so bad at revising. I've got an exam on Tuesday and revision is just not happening. I need to pull myself together. I've been mad busy with preparing for my responsibilities next year this week. I can't wait for next year! A cute new house and loads of cool new things to do... it's gonna be crrrazy.

Alright... nothing interesting happening so I'm gonna leave you there.

Ciao!

Q x

The world hates me.

Seriously, the world does NOT want me to go to the gym. Basically, I'm always low on bottoms I wear to the gym (which is weird considering how much I dance). I only have my leggings, or my little joggers, and I kind of alternate between those (which means I have to do pretty frequent washing/laundry). So I go and leave my leggings at home. DOH. I figure, hmm, that's ok, I'll just have to wash my joggers more regularly... only to go to get my joggers from my drawer before the Body Attack class and find them missing!! I searched everywhere, but no luck. What!! How am I meant to go to the gym now??

I ended up wearing these stupid 'genie trousers' (as A calls them)... they're good to dance in but I looked ridiculous, especially as I already have ridiculous-looking trainers (I wear dance sneakers, which look like black, ugly trainers.) I looked awful! I tried not to look in the mirrors too much but it's hard when you're surrounded by them. Ugh. And then, I go to Body Attack, generally have a blast, until I get to the end and find I've developed BLISTERS from wearing those stupid trainers. C'mon, does someone up there dislike me? Or not want me to exercise or something??

I don't have time to go to the gym tomorrow (boo), so I hope they're gone by Thursday... on Thursday I'm thinking a couple more exercise classes, namely Body Combat (I LOVE boxing workouts) followed by Body Balance, which is a bit like yoga and stuff. Body Attack was a lot of fun today. .something.so.small - I didn't know it could burn 1000 calories! I'm not sure I did today, I got so tired by the end, I should have been giving it more energy. The sore feet didn't help. It was a bit like a fitness DVD, but obviously there was more pressure as it was a class. Even the fitness instructor looked like she was in pain by the end. There was a really fun bit where we had to sprint as fast as we could around the room - I seemed to revert back to childhood at that point and just run around screaming 'WAAA' in my head. Ah, good stuff.

I wrote myself a contract yesterday. Wanna hear it?

'I, Q, promise myself that I will go to the gym as often as I can, and feel satisfied after a high-intensity workout. I promise that I'll only eat when I'm HUNGRY, and when I do eat, it will be nutritious and filling [i.e. not crap]. I promise that I'll eat some sort of fruit or vegetable with every meal, except breakfast on occasions [I figure cereal's ok on its own]. I promise to start eating MUESLI. I promise to only have one cup of coffee a day, and to replace the whole milk with skimmed or semi-skimmed [I knoooow, I drink coffee with whole milk! Argh, please don't hate me... I could never drink whole milk in any other way. I'm currently enjoying a cup with skimmed milk and no sugar, so it proves I don't need it. I only put semi-skimmed as that's what's bound to be the only thing at home]. I will only eat chocolate very sparingly - hot chocolate can satisfy my cravings. I will not drink fizzy drinks or chocolate milk, I will always opt for the SMALL version of everything [i.e. no more 'I'll have a regular Morning Glory smoothie, please!], and I will only be allowed milkshake once a week. I promise to take advantage of [the market road near where I live] and buy most of my groceries FRESH.

Signed,

Q'

Sounds good, huh? Nice to get it down in writing. My food today has consisted of:

Brekkie: a small bowl of branflakes
Snack: an apple
Lunch: a leafy salad with cherry tomatoes and grapes, no dressing
Snack: a hot chocolate
Snack pre-gym: a bag of Special K bite things (99 cals)
Dinner: a jacket potato with leafy salad filling and a grilled sausage

And I'm drinking coffee right now. Hmm, looking back at it, it seems like I'm eating SO MUCH. This healthy eating stuff is gonna take a while to get used to.

Until tomorrow, then!

Q x

Attaaack!

I booked myself for a 'Body Attack' class later. I really want to go to the gym, but the thought of plodding along on the treadmill and the cross-trainer does not appeal at all. I just thought I'd get bored. So a fitness class it is! Luckily my gym does absolutely loads of those, and they're all free for members. I have no idea what 'Body Attack' is. I'm a little bit nervous. I hope I'm not with loads of full-on buff people who know what they're doing. The only fitness class I go to regularly is Zumba, and I'm easily the best in the class at that one, but it's filled with middle-aged women. Being the best as a 19-year-old dancer isn't too hard. That sounds vain! Ha. So I'm nervous about this one. It could be fun, though. I reckon afterwards I'll have more fun with the power plate.

I'm getting so sick of being in this house. Last night L, the housemate who's turned into a prick, started playing his music really loud at midnight, when I was trying to get to sleep. I got REALLY angry. Maybe I was PMSing. I smacked on his wall and he turned it up even more. So I started to go insane, thrashing around on my bed, screaming and crying with frustration. Hell hath no fury like a woman who's been woken up! As revenge, I grabbed my radio and turned it up to as loud as it would go. I was wearing my earplugs, so it didn't sound THAT loud to me, but when I took one out, it was DEAFENING. L turned his music off after that, and I felt horrendously guilty because I hadn't wanted to wake up A or anyone (whose room is above me). I turned it off and went to sleep.

All I can remember thinking is, 'I can't wait to get out of this house.' And I will be getting out a week tomorrow, so I should be patient. I'm sick of it being a constant mess. I'm sick of the kitchen. I went in there to tidy a bit as my dance friends are coming over to have a night in with food tomorrow night, and the kitchen was DISGUSTING. There was a plastic bag lying on the surface and when I looked inside, there was loads of VERY mouldy pasta inside. I mean, this stuff had its own fur coat. I looked in some of the lower cupboards and the boys had actually shoved dirty dishes in there! There were all sorts of horrible things lying around, and some greasy fat-like stuff in the sink. The whole thing was enough to make me throw up. I tidied as much as I could stomach, then went to the loo - where, surprise surprise, the loo hadn't been flushed. Why don't boys do that??

I don't like the boys any more, either. I move on from friends quite quickly, and it sounds harsh, but I think I've outgrown them. All they care about is dossing around and clubbing. That was fun in Freshers Year, but now it's more fun to do stuff like get involved with societies and the newspaper and the radio and the Union and actually CARE about your degree, seeing as it actually counts this year. They just seem like children to me. I keep thinking I can't wait to go home, but really I'm most looking forward to next year, when I'll be in a small, nice, CLEAN, girls' house with M and L, and I'll have so much cool stuff to do. I probably won't see the boys much at all, as I doubt I'll be clubbing too much. I don't even think I care.

As for the healthy eating? Well, this morning I had a small bowl of branflakes for breakfast, which was nice. I've missed branflakes. I'm going to have an apple soon, then maybe some salad for lunch. I desperately want more exercise. One thing I read in that girl's blog (which I've been poring over; I can't get over her transformation! Look at my previous post if you don't know what I'm on about) was to associate exercise with relaxation, so go for a walk or run when you're tired or frustrated. I wish I could have done that in the middle of the night last night, but there's no way that could happen. Next time I might ignore my tiredness and put on a fitness DVD or something.

I'm flicking through her site and I've spotted she's written down a cardio workout that sounds very doable. I might try it next time I'm having a good old gym workout! I'm going to copy and paste it here so I don't forget it.

Perfect Cardio Workout.

Warm-up
Walk on the treadmill at a moderate pace (3.0 to 4.5 mph) for 5 minutes.

Tabata intervals
Tabata means short bursts with little rest. Work 20 seconds; rest 10 seconds. Do 8 times.

Run as hard as you can for 20 seconds (5.0 up to 10.0 mph, if you dare!), then stop completely and rest for 10 seconds. No need to lower the speed. Grab the console and hop feet on and off the belt. Repeat the 20-10 cycle a total of 8 times (4 minutes).

Cooldown
Walk it off for 5 minutes at a moderate pace (3.0 to 4.5 mph). Nice job!

Total cardio time
14 minutes

I suck at interval training. But 20 seconds of sprinting? Sounds ok! And only 14 minutes in total, not enough time for it to get boring. Perfecto.

Alright, this apple is calling me now.

Adios!

Q x

New plan

<< This girl is amazing. Check out her site. She managed to lose over 100 lbs in a year - and get THAT skinny - without an ED or restricting herself. She's got so much cool stuff on there, too. She loves cooking, so she's got loads of tips about food. I found it so motivating! Bit miffed a load of the foods she mentions as being awesome and low-cal are all American. But I'm going for a new plan, with food.

I figure, I'll start to eat in moderation. I'll only eat when I'm hungry - which, because of my tiny stomach, isn't that often. But I HAVE to eat when I'm hungry. Except drunken hunger, because that's not real. Cravings don't count.

I reckon I'll stick to a lot of fruit and veg though, and brown food. No chocolate, or if I get cravings, hot chocolate, as the calories are MUCH fewer. I might make an exception for chocolate covered raisins too, as they make me feel sick quite quickly, so it'll stop me overeating. I just got back from the gym and had a bowl of pasta with stir-in sauce, and it's half past 7, and that feels WEIRD. To eat so late... and not feel guilty. I'm going to try and keep things moving.

I'm also gonna do a summer alcohol cut-out with B. I'm trying not to feel too competitive with her, though it'll be hard if I get home and she's skinnier than me. Humm!

I'm also going to exercise more - I had such intention to go to the gym every day but I've been slacking! I'm going to try from now on though, as my workload has cooled off slightly. I haven't been posting much as I've had so much work, but I managed to get some essays done in good time so I'm proud of myself. Need to sort out an essay for tomorrow and then I've got plenty of time for the gym around revision.

Speaking of the gym, got on a Power Plate today! It feels BIZARRE. Really works your muscles out. I've always been a bit afraid of it but I'm going to be a solid user from now on!

That date thing btw - very funny. I didn't keep my light on for anyone, though. The lads were all a bit pathetic. Plus I really didn't fancy going clubbing afterwards, and that seemed to be part of the deal if you got a date - you had to be tied to them for about an hour. Nahhh. None o' that, thank you very much.

Been having such a good week - on Saturday we had the Media Awards, so journalists and radio people come in and judge articles and writers from our uni paper and radio station (both of which I'm involved with.) I won Best Fashion Writer at the paper and Best Newcomer on the radio! Yesss. We all went out and got plastered afterwards, too. I had a good chance to chat properly with the Music Editor next year (joining me as Fashion Editor on the team.) I'll call him E. We've always known him as 'fit E' before - he lived in the same halls as me, the next block along. He's a really nice guy, too. Erck. I can feel a crush coming on... though we're all a bit undecided as to whether or not he has a girlfriend. Loads of people seem convinced he does, but he NEVER mentioned her when we were having a chat-about-our-lives on Saturday night (ha), and talking about what we wanted to do after uni. I've never heard of her before, and he's not 'in a relationship' on Facebook. Very confusing. I don't want to get my hopes up... not that I'd expect anything anyway! He's practically a future colleague... could be very awkward.

Anyway, enough of all that! I'd better get back to my essay...

See ya,

Q x

Fancy meals

Going for a fancy meal tonight. Well bugger that! Apparently the food is gorgeous too. Bah. It's not even something I can get out of as it's a Dance thing. I'm going to the gym this morning as I've decided I need to go every day, because somehow, with all my low foodiness and all that, I'm STILL about a billion stone heavier than I should be. Like, I'm really quite heavy at the mo. Yet I'm hardly eating anything. I'm a bit too shy to say exactly what I weigh (it's bad.) I put it down to lack of exercise.

Saying that, I'm feeling happy about my appearance again as people are telling me I look pretty and nice, and I look OK in photos. My friend's sort of seeing this guy and as all she says is 'Q this Q that' he had a Facebook stalk and he reckons I'm really pretty. N'awww.

I seem to go on these little ups and downs with my looks. I should learn to love 'em.

Ahh, tomorrow I'm taking part in the funniest thing - our uni's doing a charity 'Take Me Out' and I've got to be one of the girls. Have you ever watched Take Me Out? Basically there's 30 girls standing at podiums with their lights on, and a guy will come out and try to impress them. As soon as they're not impressed, they turn their light off ('no likey no lighty!'). At the end, the guy chooses to go on a date with one of the remaining girls who has their light on. There's about 4 blokes per programme, and on the show the same 30 girls come each week until they get a date, when they're replaced. Ours is a one-off so obviously only 4 of us will get 'dates', but it's still gonna be really funny. I don't expect to find a date. My friend has warned me about one of the guys going on it and he's really weird and socially awkward, and apparently has a way of commenting on girls' weight in a really nasty way. He's going on the show to 'find love.' Hmm, don't need him in my life!

How do I have time to do essays around this complicated life? I'd better find some time as I've got 2 in soon and I've only done one. Ooer.

Over and out,

Q x

'Some days I don't eat nuffing - fasting.'

I'm gonna try and not eat today. I was meant to be 200-ing it yesterday but I sort of caved and had a burger. Doh. It's getting easier, though, this not eating. When I ate that burger, I wasn't even hungry. I ate it because M was there and, I dunno, I felt stupid. I don't know why I ate it. I didn't need to! And that feels amazing.

So today, I'm going to survive on coffee and water. Well, blackcurrant squash. I prefer it to water, and it's only got about 7 calories per massive bottle, so in one glass it would probably have about a tenth of a calorie, and I think I can handle that. Also, er, alcohol, in the evening. It's a massive night tonight, the big Aftershow party after our dance show which ends the year. Loads of awards get given out and I get to make a speech. I better start preparing, ooer.

There'll be food being served... but it's a buffet, I can hold off. The other night I went to another Awards ceremony and there was a buffet, and I ignored it. I feel like I don't need food any more. I've been watching Supersize vs. Superskinny, and I can always relate so much to the Superskinny ones - they just don't care about food. They just have no interest. It's one reason why I suck at living on my own, why I suck at going food shopping, because I just stare around, bored and confused, and then just go home with nothing. Even when I shop hungry! Bizaaaarree.

I haven't weighed myself in a while. Last time I did Rick was horribly cruel, and said something like 9 and a half stone, so I'm holding off for a bit until I LOOK a bit skinnier, then I don't have to be so scared. Maybe I'll try tomorrow after liquid fasting today.

Can't be arsed for food. Can't be arsed for life! I've been so busy meaning I've done horribly little work/revision. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get an entire Creative Writing piece done. I need to force myself to do it!

Au-revoir,

Q x

Semi-successful start...

Damn parents! They always foil everything! I managed to get away with only having coffee for breakfast, but they insisted on dropping me at the station to go back to uni. We got there an hour and a half early (my mum's all 'oooh, let's leave early just in case there's traffic') and they said 'let's get some lunch'. ERCK. I was planning on just getting some fruit from a service station on the way back to uni and leaving it there. We got to this stupid cafe thing and Dad's all, ooh, what do you want? And it was so difficult. I said 'I'm ok, thanks, I'm not really hungry,' but they were all 'you've got to eat something.' So I caved. I ordered a sausage baguette (apparently, given the chance to eat, I pig out!) And the bloke behind the counter said 'sorry, we've run out of baguettes.' And I thought, thank god. That's God, giving me a sign or something. So Dad says 'choose something else.' And I was all 'oh no, it's ok, there's nothing else I really fancy.' And he's all 'look at the selection of sandwiches!' So I cave again. I order potato wedges. And the bloke says, sorry, no potato wedges. MORE SIGNS. So I say 'ah ok, don't worry then Dad, I don't fancy anything.' And he's all 'no, choose something!' So I ended up being forced into a sausage sandwich. Probably waaay more than 200 calories.

It was the only thing I ate that day, though, so I'm going to pretend it was only 200. I'm quite proud I managed to avoid the evening munchies. As soon as I got to uni I chilled in my room with M and A, and even though M was asking if I wanted any food and talking about how she was going to get some, I managed to say no very easily. Proud of self!

400 begins today. Not entirely sure how it's going to go down. I have to go into uni in about half an hour and haven't eaten anything yet (it's quarter past 9 in the morning) so I guess we'll see what happens. I've got a meeting in a bar with my dance girls in half an hour so I can get a coffee or hot choc for breakfast - that'd be about 50 - 100 cals max. I think I'll do that.

Had such a frustrating convo with B yesterday - she's still hardcore dieting, and now she's banging on about how she's losing 2 - 3 lbs a week. It's on!

I actually get to hit the gym later too, wahoo!

Not much more to say... let's hope today will be more successful than yesterday. I'll update later!

Q x

The P button is fixed!

I bet you could barely sleep from the suspense! It fixed itself.

Another foody day. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because of going back to uni, but it'll be nice to just not feel so full and fat all the time. Hooray for discipline! 3 solid weeks of 2 4 6 8, that's what I'm aiming for. That'd end up as... how many rounds? 21 days divided by 4... just over 5 rounds? Don't abandon me now, GCSE Maths!

Bah, I keep meaning to take a picture of the hair to stick on this blog but I always forget. It's hard to capture on camera.

Was looking at old photos of Prince Wills today. My god, do you remember when he was this dishy?


Talk about Prince Charming. Where did his sex appeal go! I guess it disappeared at about the same time as his hair. And Harry had his moment to steal the spotlight. Oh, I've got Royal fever at the mo. I'm all a-flutter.

I'm going to draw up an exercise plan again. I'm sure I wrote it down somewhere on this blog. 20 minutes on treadmill, cross-trainer and exercise bike, 10 minutes on rowing machine, then some time working on the arms and core, and at least half an hour of stretching to finish off. Can I do this every day once I'm back in my gym? Time will tell! I might have to hold off on the 200 days, or I'll probably faint. Hmm.

Oh, can't wait to get back into the regime! I almost saluted as I wrote that.

Q x