OMG FOOD.

I hate work. Hate hate hate. GET ME AWAY FROM FOOD. Get me away from FAT.

Last night... last night I thought fuck it and ate so much Chinese food my stomach ACHED. In a weird way, I don't regret that too much. I was out with friends, I was celebrating... I want to be able to keep that. I want to be able to keep being social and not look like some loser lettuce-loving calorie counter... I want to be able to go out and indulge once in a while and spend time just concentrating on being with my FRIENDS, not the zillions of calories pouring into my body. 'Naa mean?

That's why I don't think I have an eating disorder. I cherish the days I can keep on doing that before the food obsession becomes too much.

But anyway, back to work. OH FOOOOOOOD. I must've eaten... oh lordy... half a sausage sarnie for brekkie (is that 100-cal? God only knows), biscuits, little bites of pasta and lamb and flipping mini scones AND then a sandwich... I don't need that much food!! Binge alert!

Tonight I'm going to the cinema with a friend, so I've told the parents I'm eating out. Maybe I can avoid the popcorn if I put some effort in.

I went through a clothes section of a shop today and all I was thinking was, god, when I'm tiny I'll look great in those... but not yet. Mmm, motivation. I WILL get to size 6... I'll be a standard size 8 by Halloween, I'm determined, and it'll keep getting better from there. Yes.

I'm going back to uni soon. If Boy still wants me, I'll get skinny for him. I'll be some hot little piece of arm candy he can show off to his friends. If Boy doesn't want me (probably because of the jiggle I'm carrying around)... I'll get skinny so I can show him what he's missing. And I'll look super-hot to every other boy so I can pull and make him jealous. Yes. Plan.

(Will explain the whole Boy thing eventually... can't be bothered right now.)

Note: DON'T EAT ANYTHING ELSE TODAY.

Too scared to face Ricky.

Q x

Noodles for dinner

Was dreading seeing Ricky this morning.

"Mornin' fatty... mate, you do NOT deserve to lose any weight after how much of a pig you were yesterday. Sunday roast? Really? And it's not like you stopped after that... binging on all that pastry stuff? You'll be lucky to ever drop below 9 stone. However, I'm in a good mood. I'm feelin' nice. Hell no, you haven't lost weight... but I haven't let you put any on either. Count your lucky stars and try HARDER if you want to get skinny, fat girl."

So... still 9 stone 6 lbs. Thank you Ricky, thank you!

So, tonight I'm going out for a belated birthday meal with my friends, at a restaurant I love but don't go to too often. You want the good news or the bad news? The bad news - it's a Chinese restaurant. I'm pretty sure Chinese food isn't the healthiest of the lot. However, the good news... it's a buffet. Literally eat as much as you want. So I can give myself tiny portions, and maybe balance out the plate to LOOK like I'm eating a lot lest my friends suspect something... B will probably be on the watch, but I can make it look OK. No fear.

I've got work at 6.30 in the morning tomorrow, ugh. I won't be specific about my work (remember, I'm staying pretty ambiguous) but I'll say this; I work with food. A lot of food. And I have pretty much complete access to all that food... no-one would bat an eyelid if I ate myself to an early grave on one shift alone. In fact, it's practically encouraged.

Work is my weakness. I've got round this before, avoiding breakfast or just eating a yoghurt (shame they're full-fat) and then having soup for lunch... but it's difficult when people think you're mad if you're not sampling every dish available. I really don't want to draw attention to myself... arghhh. Only 4 more shifts then I'm back in my uni house... only 5 more days and then I'm FREE...

I keep hearing that people who don't eat breakfast are more prone to putting on weight because of the whole starvation-mode malarkey, so I'm limiting myself to low-cal breakfasts at the mo (100 cal at the most). This morning it was a wee bowl of cornflakes with a cup of coffee. Can't be too bad, right? I'll be sure to eat basically nothing for lunch if I'm going out for a meal tonight, and I'll try to squeeze in some exercise around a shopping trip with the mother to get uni stuff... let's impress Ricky!

I was youtubing around this morning and came across a vid I haven't seen in AGES... the song's alright, but the video is JAMMED with thinspiration, particularly the main girl... oh man, that girl is SMOKING hawt. If I could have the body of anyone, it'd be her! Hang on, let me find the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAtW0hua9rE

Swear, the bloke in the video is made of stone for staying pretty unresponsive to all that. I'm not a lesbian, but DAMN, I would. Or rather, I'd starve myself to look like her.

Phwoar.

Q x

Who needs bulimia when nature does it for you?

Last night, me and the toilet bowl were best friends.

I don't really get it. I'd had, what, one glass of wine? Maybe two? A shot? Nothing, really. And I wasn't going into it on an empty stomach... after the little bowl of cereal and the bagel chunk, I had a cup'o'soup, a banana, an apple... AND a packet of crisps. I've drunk on WAY less than that before and haven't been nearly as bad.

I didn't even make it to the club. Tragic, really. Still, not a lot came out... I think my stomach's on the shrink!

Yuck, TMI... apologies, let's move on!

Today was hangover food. Or at least it has been so far. I had a MASSIVE cheese and bacon pasty at a train station... man I feel SICK from that. My entire body has the alcohol aches. This ain't fun.

My friend B kept asking me questions about what I'd eaten that day... she says she's 'worried', but she doesn't know what she's chattin' about. For one, I eat LOADS in front of her, and it's not like I'm token anorexic. Even so, I'd better start lying about what I eat. She told me I should be eating about 1000 calories a day. I suppose the average woman is meant to have 2000, but I can barely get to 900 these days! I can't imagine eating 2000...

She's my best friend, though. I guess she's allowed to be worried. We're B&Q. Ahahaha.

Went to the loo earlier and Ricky was staring at me. Ha, that sounds pervy! Let's backtrack and remember that Ricky is my name for my scales... I ignored him, but I think I might go and have a 'chat' with him later. Urgh. I like to weigh myself in the morning when I haven't eaten anything (supposedly the most accurate time and Ricky tends to be the nicest then) but that wasn't really an option today.

Fuck it, I'm going to go and chat to him now.

"Awright, bitch? Whas' goin on?"
"C'mon, Ricky. Don't be mean to me today. I know I had a MASSIVE breakfast this morning, but be kind."
"Hahaha, you'll be lucky to lose a pound with all that food you shovel down your gob. The crisps last night? And the pasty today? Fat cow. This is my punishment - you haven't lost a pound all week. Better up the game."

9 stone 6 lbs. Still. Bugger.

Oh and today is SUNDAY, which means we're probably going to have to eat a roast dinner... bloody hell, the thought fills me with horror! Thank god it'll be the last one for a while... I'm back at my uni house on Saturday. Finally, I'll be back in control!

Better go look at thinspo pics to keep me going. To anyone out there, I seriously recommend thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com . Absolutely corking site, and she still updates regularly, unlike the other sites that seem to have died out. That's where I get pretty much all my pics from. The girls on it look healthy and happy, not all bony and emaciated, but they're still skinny... something we can all aspire to, right? Hells yeah!

Oh and on another note... I HAVE A FOLLOWER WOWOW ZOMG. That's seriously exciting. Thank you, lovelybones, I hope I don't bore you with my mundane ramblings! Even your little comment made me grin like a goon. I've checked out your blog too and I'm a proud follower. Guess we can support each other through our crazy lives, hooray!

S'laters

Q x

COFFEEE

Posting twice in one day THAT'S DEDICATION.

Isn't the picture great? Man, that girl is hot. I think it probably takes more than giving up just massive cheeseburgers to get a figure like that... but the message is there. I like it.

Breakfast today consisted of a little bowl of cereal. I have these little glass bowls that are about half the size of ordinary bowls. Note to everyone - INVEST IN TINY BOWLS. I can eat a tiny bowl's worth of cereal and my stomach will still register it as a full bowl. Score.

Just had lunch. My mum bought BAGELS. Argh. Can't wait til I'm back to the uni house, with all the boys, and I can decide what's in the house for me to eat. Mum knows how much I love bagels. It'd crush her if I blanked them completely. And I felt like I needed a carb fix.

But whilst it was chilling in the toaster, I was thinking, oh god, it's BREAD. Bread is just so... foody. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't. But when bread's in your stomach, you know it's there. And I hate food like that.

So when the bagel came out, I cut it into quarters. And ate 1 quarter, then chucked the rest. I investigated the packaging. 50 calories (ish) in that one quarter. MENTAL NOTE - NEVER EAT BAGELS AGAIN. It was a QUARTER. It sucked. It should have been about 10, but it was 50 calories.

I had a cup of coffee too, as no way was a quarter of a bagel going to fill up my aching stomach. Was thinking a lot about coffee earlier. I used to hate the stuff, but now I can guzzle down a cup a day - I feel incomplete without that cup. Or mug, to be precise. Whatever. But I haven't yet hit that stage where I get caffeine cravings, you know? I have no idea what that feels like. I LIKE drinking coffee, and I LIKE to drink a cup a day, but I don't NEED to. Pretty much all my friends know it's disgusting, and even I know it's disgusting - I can drink it, and I can taste the fact it's disgusting. I can taste its disgustingness... its disgust... or something.

But I still love it. And I still like to drink a cup a day. So in conclusion... I like coffee. But I don't need it. And that entire ramble was pointless.

I still need to get a grip on tea. I feel like a traitor to the country, not liking tea. I'm an oddball.

Dinner today is going to be a cup'o'soup. I'm going out tonight and I don't like to eat a lot pre-clubbing. True, I'm going out in a massive rain mac poncho for a laugh so there's NO WAY I can look particularly fat in that (I'll just look like a complete and utter tit) but I think keeping solid food at bay before a night out is a good habit to get into, for maximum skinniness. Even if I don't look skinny, at least I'll feel it. If that's even possible.

True, there'll no doubt be copious amounts of alcohol a.k.a. liquid calories... but I'm a student, give me a break.

Q x

Let's roll.

Before we start, I'll clarify - the girl on the left isn't me. I bloody wish.

I'm not a newbie to this blogging business. I've had a couple of weight-loss blogs before. I'll be honest with you - they were RUBBISH. End of.

Saying that, I still have no idea how to use this blogspot business. So my blog is probably always going to look like this. I have no idea how to make it look all fancy, how to stick my own images in to crown my blog in such an artistic way, how to have a fancy ticker of exactly how much weight I'm losing (which pop up a LOT on pro-ana blogs). HTML is a foreign language to me. I'll give it a shot when I can, but don't get your hopes up.

I want this blog to be 100% ANONYMOUS. Don't expect to see pictures of me - it's not gonna happen. I might do the odd body-shot and remove it in a couple of days (depending on how popular this is) but no face stuff. No links to my current life. Heck, I'm just going to write it in the eyes of a complete pseudo-me. I'll call her Q. It was the first letter I saw on my keyboard. Top-left.

Q is going to be good at this. Q is going to lose weight, look hot, get loooads of attention. Much more than skinny friend H, who zipped up a size 4 last year, and has lost weight since then. A size 4! I'm pretty sure that's a size 0 across the pond. The ultimate model's dream. Whenever I go out with H, she's smothered in boys who'd cut off their own ears to get their hands on her - whoever said boys don't like skinny girls was LYING.

But anyway, enough about all that. Let's fill you in on me. Or rather, Q.

Q is 19 years old. Just turned, actually. 19 is a strong year for her. 19 is the year she's going to get a boyfriend after years of single life, to lose her virginity properly (I don't think the last time really counts), to get skinny and be envied. You know those girls who everyone wants to be? You look at them and think god, I wish I was her. In your eyes, they can do no wrong. They've got a great figure, a great dress sense, a great boyfriend, they're LOVELY, they're achingly perfect in every way... 19 is the year I'm going to become one of those girls.

I don't want to be too specific about anything... but Q is British and is about to start her second year at university. I think that's pretty ambiguous. Being English, Q measures weight in stones, not pounds, but has kindly put an indicator of how many pounds are in how many stones lest a foreign reader stumbles across and takes an interest in this blog. Q lives with a lot of boys and being small and "skinny" (HA), is constantly picked on and chucked around by them. Oh, bantaaaar.

Q has history of anorexia (pretty sure I had it when I was 15) and has dabbled in pro-ana quite a bit, but would never call herself an anorexic. Q has never reached an unhealthy weight or gone into the lower end of the BMI scale. Q knows anorexia is a horrible and disfiguring illness. Q does not want to encourage or inspire anyone in any way to turn to it as a method of weight loss. Q only offers support to those who have it, because she knows EXACTLY how it feels. Q has never turned to bulimia but can understand the beautiful feeling of an empty stomach, the disgusting feeling of one swollen with food. Q knows what it's like to literally FEEL the fat on your skin, and has had the urge to simply grab a pair of scissors and cut the flesh off her body. Hey, Q's messed up.

Q can be quite an awesome person. She's a dancer and a writer, and isn't half bad at either of them (though I suppose YOU'LL be the one to judge the latter). She does well at school, she has lots of friends, she's fun to be around. But she's a perfectionist with a touch of OCD, and doesn't like the fact her looks aren't perfect. Can't change the face, but the body is under my control, now.

Q has skinny arms (despite the bingo wings - ahaha, see what I did thar) and skinny calves but her thighs are getting bulky. They used to be skinny. True, Q's a dancer so a lot of it is muscle, but they still jiggle when she walks. She can feel it. Q has a nice neck and shoulders and decent-sized boobs, I suppose (32DD) but her waist and hips is HUGE. Q has your textbook apple-shaped figure, and is probably going to die early because of that.

I'm getting tired of writing about myself in 3rd person.

My self-worth depends on the number on the scales. How cliche is that? Damn, I hate those scales. I can feel the loathing when I look at that horrible white rigidness, that stupid little needle that can break open my soul, or can put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I can't wait to be rid of them. They stand there by the sink, taunting me whenever I go to wash my hands or brush my teeth. They're always casually leaning against the wall, like those blokes you're always told to stay away from. I bet if my scales were a man, he'd have a cocky smile, a stupid hairdo with a blonde streak running down the middle of it, like he got it done by his stepsister trying to make it through a beauty course at tech college. He'd be a chav, an arsehole, and he'd shout out snide remarks about how fat I was looking whenever I walked past. He'd be called Ricky, and I'd hate him.

Man, Ricky's a dick. Did you hear what Ricky just said to me? What a nob.

I put on a lot of weight in my first year at uni. 18 lbs, to be precise. I started it at 9 stone, and finished first year at 10 stone 4 lbs - crikey. Ever since I got back for summer, I've been exercising relentlessly (workout DVDs are my godsend) and dieting to get back to that 9 stone... I'm currently about 6 lbs over it. I want to be there by Freshers Week - which is in about a month. Wahoo! I'll get there eventually.

Right, enough of all this hoo-ha. Let's lose some weight, shall I?

Q x