Lots to say

Feel like I could ramble for hours.

The trip to see my friend was nice - but man, when she said she wanted to feed me up, she really meant it. Do you guys ever find, after restricting for a while, you find it weird how much other people eat? Like, how much they NEED to eat. I've always had a small stomach but I think it's bizarre when what I'd happily call a meal, they think of as a snack and are hungry again in an hour or two. Mad.

My friend H was there and oh god, she's walking thinspiration. She's just so TINY. I forgot how utterly crap I feel in her presence, even if I'm feeling small myself. Even my legs, which I'm proud of for being thin, look mammoth next to hers. Ugh. She's just one of those people who can eat whatever the hell she wants and not put on ANY weight. Uni hasn't affected her at all. Bahhh.

That's cute you guys asking about London. It's weird, I'm so used to it as I live so close and go all the time, but I do get a bit of a buzz being there. It is just an awesome city - well, Central London is. The outer areas get a bit dodgy, but the tourist bits are great. It's funny you said that about London, RaeLynn, how you visited once then fell in love with the place and want to live there in the future, as that's exactly how I feel about New York! I'm OBSESSED with it. It just has so much energy. I can't wait to go back.

It does rain an awful lot, Ariana, but that's just England in general. It was raining a lot today. Bit annoying when you have hair that frizzes up at the sight of it. All Brits complain about the weather (and I mean any kind of weather - if it's raining, it's horrible, if it's sunny, it's too hot, if it's snowing, well that's just ANNOYING) but when I move abroad (which I hope to), I know I'll miss the rain.

But anyway. Restricting didn't go well. But I've got a new determination. I was reading RaeLynn's blog (which you should all check out - I'm not quite sure how to link to it) and I think one of her goals was to lose a couple of pounds a week? So that's my new goal. Stop just HOPING to lose weight. Set a target. 2 pounds a week. If you lose only one? Work harder. If you don't lose any? Fast. Do it!

If I do that, I could lose 10 pounds by my dance show (5 weeks from today, now.) That'd hopefully make me around my goal weight. That's the dream!

I want to change my hair. Again! The red has faded now (if it was ever there), and I'm back to my usual dark brown. I'm thinking - I really want to try dip-dye. I've been watching 90210 a lot and I'm obsessed with Shenae Grimes' hair.


Now, I know I was chatting about my Asian hair and how it doesn't go lighter and if I bleached it'd just go a horrible pale orange - but I was looking at old pics, when I had highlights, and my hair was a really nice golden colour. So I might take this picture to my hairdresser and see what happens. It can't go TOO wrong. I don't want to go as light as she is on the ends of her hair, anyway - that'd look a bit silly on me. It's frustrating as I have to wait til I go home as I can't afford to get my hair done at uni (my mum pays when I'm at home!) and I'm not all that keen on my hairdressers at home any more - they just always seem to leave me feeling a tad disappointed - but hey ho.

My sister had blondey highlights a little while back, but she reckons they had to bleach and then re-dye it. Hmmm.

On other news.

Remember a few posts ago how I was going on about maybe being wheat intolerant? Bread doesn't seem to bugger me up any more, so I'm weirded out, as I STILL get bloated and feel horrible and gassy when I eat. I saw Ariana's blog recently, excuse me for quoting her.

"I think I might be developing lactose intolerance, but I'm not sure. I looked up the symptoms which included being bloated, distended stomach, and having lots of gas after consuming dairy-all I which I have."

I get that a lot too. I only figure it's dairy because I notice it's after coffee. I should really do some food tests. Maybe, tomorrow, I'll try and get through the whole day without consuming dairy. I could live on soya milk! I eat soya butter anyway. Would this mean I couldn't eat chocolate?? I'd better test this out. This could solve all my horrible stomach issues.

I'm writing this in the living room and this is a BAD idea. A keeps looking at my computer. I have to panic and close the screen really quickly. He's gotten close to seeing all this a couple of times, so I'm glad he's just an oblivious bloke.

Alright, I'm out now. I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow morning and then lose weight Tuesday to Tuesday. Time to get serious!

Q x

EDIT: Googled 'lactose intolerance'.

"It is estimated that around 5% of adults in the UK have lactose intolerance.

It is more common among people of some ethnic origins, and particularly people who do not traditionally have milk as part of their diet. Lactose intolerance is thought to occur in:

• between 50–80% of people of Hispanic, south Indian, black or Ashkenazi Jewish ethnicity
• almost 100% of people of American Indian, or Asian, ethnicity"

100% of people of Asian ethnicity?

Doh.

Put on my shoes and I'm ready for the weeeekend

I'm disappearing for the weekend. Just a heads-up. Gotta go visit my friend who lives about a million miles away, so today is going to be an awesome (or terrible and stressful) day of travelling for me. I've got to get a coach all the way through the country to London (I'm too poor for trains), then hop around a bit on tubes and trains through London, then eventually get to her place of calling. Travelling stresses me out. I'm a natural worrier, panicking about time and what'd happen if I missed my train, plus today I'm taking a brand new journey so there's so much potential to go wrong, but at least I'll be in London, my real area of the country. If I get hopelessly lost and stuck maybe I could call a parent and get them to pick me up! Ha.

Said friend has promised to 'feed [me] up' this weekend - I'll try to restrict as best I can. Dance was cancelled yesterday so I feel a bit exercise-lacking, urgh.

Gross-finger-stuff is working well - I haven't been biting my skin at all! They don't look like they've healed much yet, though, humm. How long does it take to break a habit? 28 days? I'll keep applying it for that long and hopefully get over this bloody thing.

It's quarter to 8 in the morning - this is farrrr too early to be awake and buzzing. I'm going to go and do some last-minute packing now. See ya on Monday!

Q x

Aches and pains

Food yesterday was pretty awful - I blame the post-drinking feeling. I'd say hangover, but it wasn't quite that bad. Man, I am ACHING all over. The combination of a hardcore dance fitness class and alcohol has left my body in a state - though I'm always aching, really. I remember seeing this stupid internet thing which was like "100 ways you know you're a dancer" or something lame like that and one of them was "you're always aching in at least one body part." Which is sadly true. I guess you get used to it though.

But nah, it's pretty bad at the mo. My arms are killing me. Very odd. I better suck it up for my Freestyle class later on or I'll end up leading a crappy warm-up.

So, in an effort to stop me chewing at my fingers, I went to Boots and said to the lady, "hey ho, you got anything that you'd give to kids to stop sucking their thumbs?" She said, "we've got similar stuff for biting your nails - go over to the nail section and you'll find it." I went over and saw some nail-biting stuff, and spotted one (Boots own) that was in a nail varnish pot but looked more liquidy than nail varnish, which made me optimistic as I don't fancy painting nail polish all over my fingers (especially the bits where the skin is really broken.) So I got some.

Oh man, this stuff is GROSS. I painted it all over my fingers, put my tongue on my finger to taste it out of curiousity and it was HORRIFIC. I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth for ages. I tried to eat an apple to get rid of the taste but of course I got my fingers and thus this horrible stuff all over the apple and that turned disgusting too. I found myself hardly able to eat anything, because I eat pretty much everything with my hands (I blame the Malaysian in me.) Even eating a bowl of cereal was difficult without using my fingers to push some stubborn cornflakes on to the spoon.

However, I'm pleased. I couldn't go near my fingers with my mouth all evening, and if I put this on every day, I'm hoping I'll kick the habit. And I won't have to be ashamed of my fingers any more! Some of the skin I don't think will ever look the same, but that's ok. They'll look a lot better! I can't wait till all the skin's healed and my hands look pretty again.

I'm also hoping this gross stuff might make me eat less... because, as I said, a lot of foods I eat with my hands and this stuff might put me off. You never know.

L finally told the boys he's not living with them next year and now everyone hates him. We had a weird little house gathering in the living room last night (trust me, this is RARE, to get all 8 of us in one room at the same time - although L wasn't there, obv) and they were just having a massive bitchathon and a panic as to how they'd just signed and paid for a house which now had a missing tenant. It would have been ok if he'd told them earlier, but with every day that passes houses are getting snapped up and it's getting harder and harder to find decent ones. If they even can find a replacement - they've already paid for the new one, leaving some of them ridiculously poor. At least they won't have to live with him. He's becoming unbearable. But I've ranted enough about all that.

Haven't been to the gym in so long, sigh. Thank god for dance or I'd be a fatty.

Coming up to my 100th post and I want to make it special. Hmm! Maybe I'll just put in loads of random crap about myself.

I'm out!

Q x

Hot stuff

Oh lordy, I've got a crush. On that guy I kissed the other night. The man whore! I say crush but it's more like pure lust. Literally the only thing I find fanciable about him is his appearance. His body is PERFECT. He doesn't have a massive six-pack, but oh my, his ARMS. They're all big, and... big... I'm a sucker for arms. And he has a nice back. Which makes me jealous more than anything, actually, as I wish I had a nice back.

He's so tall. And in good shape. I wouldn't say he's a ridiculously hench guy, but he's got the right balance between being muscly and slender. I always say to M, if I was a guy, I'd want to be him as I reckon he could take on everyone. He'd probably win in most fights, if the guy even dared to hit him in the first place.

Sighhhhh.

I went out last night, for the social (dressed as a character from a tv show in the 90s I used to love.) It was a really crazy night, actually, and afterwards he came back to my house (he's really good friends with my housemates.) I need to give him a nickname for blog purposes? I've called him HotGuns before - I'll keep that up. Or HG for short. We were flirting and playfighting a lot but in the end he left (probably at about 5 in the morning) - my fault, I could NOT think of a good way to hint at the fact he could stay with me. Dang. I reckon he would've if I'd suggested it. Well, this is what I like to think.

He really is such a man whore, but I really don't care. I don't think a night goes by where he doesn't kiss at least 2 girls - often more. I guess when you're that hot you're oozing with confidence? I mean the other day when I kissed him he initiated it by just kind of pulling me towards him and dancing with me and I didn't complain. His tactic really is confidence. Good thing my attraction for him is based solely on the fact he's ridiculously attractive - keeps the emotions out of the way.

Food was good yesterday. Stuck to my plan. And my dance fitness class went well! I killed them all with cardio, most of them gave up they were so out of breath. They were saying things to me like, "how do you have so much energy??" I felt chuffed. It's so much easier to keep up the energy when you're leading the class - I guess it's the pressure. It's like, if I'm leading any kind of stretching, I always seem to be much more flexible than I'd be if I was just taking part. Weird, eh?

My number of followers is on the uprise! 6 more and I'll do a body shot, eek... be prepared, it ain't pretty.

See yaaa

Q x

Bad mood

I've been binging far too much recently. It seems simply restricting isn't working for me. I have too much liberty with no calorie allowance. So I'm going to limit myself to 200 or 300 calories a day AFTER breakfast. Meaning in total it'd get to 400 or 500. I think that's an ok limit for a while. Today my plan is some cereal for breakfast, then an apple and a coffee for snacks, then soup for lunch/dinner. Seems alright to me.

I'm so ill right now, it's rubbish. My whole head seems clogged up.

My god, one of my housemates is driving me MAD. Driving us all mad, actually. I was just reminded of it as he's on the phone and I can hear his stupidly loud phone voice echoing through my walls. It's L - he got a girlfriend a few months back and became one of those people who forgot he had friends and wanted to spend ALL his time with the girlfriend. I mean, they're inseparable. Which, you know, is a bit annoying but we made our peace with it (we didn't even miss him that much, as it was nice to go through an evening without having to hear about all his problems and all about his life.) But considering he barely sees us any more, his house habits are becoming ridiculous and disgusting. He steals EVERYONE'S food. He uses EVERYONE'S stuff. BUT when he thought someone might be drinking his apple juice, he PISSED in the carton and put it back in the fridge, so my other housemate got a nasty surprise when he went to take a sip. Sure, quite funny, but full on DISGUSTING - I don't think I'd do that to my worst enemy. Plus he put his urine in our fridge?? What the fuck??

He then clogs up one of the loos, and doesn't bother to attempt to get rid of it. M, bless her, tries, but doesn't succeed. No, he just leaves it for us to sort out and whilst we fail, he just goes on top of it! No wonder I'm ill. It's a breeding ground for germs. Luckily our landlord is coming to sort it out now.

The eating-people's-food thing is the worst though - only because he gets soooo angry when people eat his and does horrible things like the apple juice incident. I noticed he was eating a lot of my butter, so I put fingerprints in it, as L has this weird thing about people touching his food. If I ever get really angry, I'm going to go into his cupboard and run my hands all over his food. Silent revenge! He made our kitchen a mess just by leaving stuff lying around, so had the audacity to complain and move into the upstairs kitchen, where he's eaten all of M's butter in a matter of days and annoyed all of them up there.

Plus, he's just a nob. He's lost his sense of humour and cannot joke or take a joke any more. He's not even planning to live with the boys next year, but instead of telling them in time like a normal, decent person would do, so they can find a house, he's decided to wait until they've found an ok house with him (and all the others have gone) and are on the brink of signing. They don't even know yet.

I can't even speak to him these days.

Sorry! I know no-one cares about the petty drama of housemates, but I reeeally wanted to rant. Nice to get it off my chest. I really want to get into a shouting match with him but what's the point? He's so arrogant, anything I say will just bounce right off of him and leave his swollen ego intact.

Glaaardgjsdjgsdg.

Q x

Zumba!

Wooow. Zumba is mad. I shook my arse like you would not believe and was sweating like a horse at the end of it. I went along with another dance friend and my gosh - I didn't realise Latin dancing could be such a workout! I've done a lot of Latin dancing before and a lot of Samba but it's never quite burned like that - though I suppose I've never thrown myself into it quite as much! We have a dance fitness class on Wednesdays and seeing as the current teacher is going home so won't be able to take it, I might nab it and turn it into a Zumba class. They'll love it.

I'm not sure how easy it'd be to pick up if you're not a dancer or some kind of Zumba expert, though. That's its downside. A lot of the girls looked flustered and confused and some of them just gave up and stood there. It's definitely something you need to throw absolutely EVERYTHING into - the girls who weren't really moving that much because they were self-conscious looked a lot stupider than someone like me, who was jiggling and throwing myself all over the place. This is what I like to think... ooer. Ah well, good workout!

I've had a pretty relaxed weekend and I'm preparing to get super busy again this week. This time I'll try to control the intake a bit more. If I stay busy, it won't be hard... evenings are definitely my weakness. How to get around evening eating?? I suppose it's all about willpower... it's so frustrating because I used to be sooo good at just denying myself food and now I cave more often than not. I haven't weighed myself in a while as I'm a bit scared of the Rick monster. I'll do it after a week of restricting, methinks.

The 2 4 6 8 has become very hard to control, being so busy. I might wait til I'm at more of a chilled-out time of my life and give it another whack. For now I'll just restrict. And go to the gym/Zumba whenever I can!

By the way, Bree, that was a charming comment you left on the last post. It's awesome that you're losing weight the healthy way now - man, I wish I had that mindframe - but no need to quite emphasize how GUILTY we feel and how we LIE and are KILLING OURSELVES. I mean, nice to show off your healthy eating with the hope of inspiring people but no need to smack us in the face with it. You say you understand girls with distorted eating, but you clearly don't as you'd know how it isn't so simple to just one day go "oh hey! I know! I'll try eating normally for once! What a mad thing I've been doing! Bye bye ED! Tra la la la laa!"

Ehh... s'cool.

Q x

Manic

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot, this last week has been SO busy. I've forgotten what luxury time is, where you can just sit down and do nothing. I've barely had time to breathe. My friends are starting to wonder why I'm never around. Being busy has its pros and cons. A con is that I've barely been focusing on my food. A pro is that I haven't been eating much anyway as I have no TIME for food. A con is that this also means I haven't had time for exercise, aside my daily dance classes. Today I'm gonna spend a good while at the gym then I might go again tomorrow morning then go to a Zumba class in the evening. It'll be the first time I'll try it and I can't wait!

The food thing is difficult. I'm wary of ballooning up again. I don't really have time to eat in the morning or during the daytime, so I end up being famished in the evening and eat loads then. It's a terrible pattern. I hate myself for giving up breakfast; I might make a late NY resolution - to ALWAYS eat brekkie. Even if it means getting up that half an hour earlier (ergh.) It's half 11 and I should really get up and eat something now. With coffee. OOH, my friend last night gave me a sachet of instant coffee her friend, who works at Starbucks, brought from work. Oh my god, YUM. I've never had a Starbucks coffee before but it was amaaazing. Still don't think I'd ever go to Starbucks as it's so overpriced, but I'm definitely nicking sachets whenever I can!

I'm rambling about the most random things. Might as well carry on.

I've got another social on Wednesday and the theme is Back to the 90s. I'm reeeally hoping to somewhere find some metallic cycling shorts and a bum bag. Nostalgic! The bum bag is practical too, as I can put my stuff in it! I think Americans would know it as a fanny pack... but we could never call it that as fanny does NOT mean bum in England... it means, er... never mind...

I just googled 90s fashion and the stuff coming up is hilarious... I think I'm gonna look for clothes a bit more personal to me, though, like the mad stuff I wore as a kid. God knows I was NOT fashionable. I know a lot of the dance girls are planning to come as Spice Girls, which I have a feeling will result in tiny dresses and heels... I'm gonna look like a plonker next to them!

Ho hum.

I'm actually starting to get nervous about giving up alcohol for Lent. If I do anything stupid on a night out (or even things I don't think are stupid, but other people do), it's so easy to say the next day "well, I was drunk." Take the other night. I got off with a guy who I know my friends will never let me forget, and although I don't regret it as he's HOT, I know I was just in a looong list of girls he got with that night. I do feel weird about it. I don't think he even remembers. Weirder because if he came on to me again, I'd definitely go for it again, and heck, I'd probably sleep with the guy. But it'd be so much easier to just say "well, I was drunk, that's why I did it." I don't know. It's hard to explain. I guess I'm far too wary of other people's opinions of me. And if I do something other people might not approve of, it's easier to pretend I wasn't myself. I need to start being honest and proud of myself. I should make my own choices and be happy with them. Maybe the lack of alcohol will help me with that?

Wow, that was deeper than I thought it'd be.

Anyway! Breakfast time! And no rubbish eating tonight!

Over and out,

Q x