Yowch

My legs and feet are KILLING me. I curse the foody job, but I probably do burn a lot of calories standing up and running around and pushing trolleys for 7 or 8 straight hours. My calf muscles are in so much pain. I obviously haven't used them in a while. Oh dear! I'll be doing this all week, too. I got my mum to give me a foot massage when I got home and it was BLISS. God dammit, I need a boyfriend, if only for reasons like giving me foot massages.

As for food... well, I picked at bits at work, which always makes it seem like you haven't eaten much when really it's been LOADS. Calories add up. Deary me. Today was a boring day, which I put down to eating more. Hopefully for the rest of the week I'll be rushed with jobs to do and won't have time to poke at the food.

Loads of my friends graduated today, which is pretty weird. This time next year, it'll be me! Mind, it'll be a relief to be out of uni. I can't wait to actually start properly earning and having a real life!

Dirty Sexy Things is on tonight, woohoo... in less than an hour! I need to hit the TV set. Tonight they're in Paris, probably doing more shoots and getting drunk and all that jazz. Ah, to be a model! I loved it in Bruno where he was asking a model how tough her job was and she was all, 'oh yeah, it's so tough,' and he was going 'yeah, it must be so hard to step on to the catwalk and have to put your right foot forward, then your left foot in front of that, then your right foot again.' And she was just going 'yeah, yeah, so hard,' just not getting it at all. Haha, oh the japes.

True, though, right? It must be so weird for your career to be based on how you can walk. I think it's even funnier watching guys walk on catwalks, as they don't even have the added burden of heels.

Speaking of all that, a friend recommended I consider applying for tickets to London Fashion Week next year. I could apply under 'Press', under my uni magazine. Hmm, tempting!

Peace out,

Q x

Hopes and dreams

My mum wants to start a diet tomorrow. I think I might join her. I feel like I've had my summer of indulging and it's time to man up a bit. I'm going to be reading and commenting on all your blogs loads for lots of inspiration. She also unearthed a hula hoop out of the garage. Supposedly 10 minutes of hula hooping burns the same amount of calories as 10 minutes of jogging! Crrrazy. I'm gonna give that a whack and see if it gives me the waistline I crave.

I'm going to try and get up early too, as I'm working at 1pm til 8 every day this week. It's back to the foody job that occupied my life last summer. Ho hum! Here comes the self control...

So I've decided what I reeeally want to try and aim to do post-university. I'm going to spend the next year researching small but desperate-for-copy magazines in New York, and see if I can get some sort of employment there. If that fails, I plan on applying for a Mountbatten internship. Even if it isn't exactly the kind of internship that I'd dream of, I still need some time abroad to find myself (without the lengthy cost and aimless wandering of travelling - I want to get straight into the business world.) And New York is the dream. I'm planning on deleting my Facebook page and severing ties with a lot of people. Dangerous? Probably. But I'm so happy and self-sufficient on my own. I have confidence in myself, and I'll never cut ties with my family; I expect they'll be full of support. I'm going to try and get a teeny bit of extra dosh over the next year by selling fillers and copy to specialist magazines. Me and my dad did a bit of brainstorming today and I have potentially got a lot to write about.

I want to escape! Although I have enough on my plate next year, I need to start making my career a priority. As soon as I leave uni, it'll all come plunging and hit me in the face, and I need some sort of preparation for that.

I think I might start my research tonight. Even if it's an online publication, anything is a possibility. And hopefully my CV will be brimming after uni, so employers might just be bothered enough to fill out all the Visa paperwork and get me on my way. Who knows!

I turn 20 next month, which marks the start of a brand new decade in my life, and my god, I want the twenties to be good! You only live once, right? Better work towards your dreams while you can. What are your dreams?

Big up,

Q x

Goodbye student life (as I know it)

Didn't go for the tan last night for fear of rain. Was a flop of a night anyway. Clubs were dead! Went home mad early and didn't feel like any of it had been worth it. Ho hum!

My friend saw Harry Potter THIS MORNING. As in, a week before it comes out, practically! God dammit! Her mum has connections and she got a special ticket to see it in Leicester Square. Apparently it's pretty good though not as epic as she'd expected. She actually INVITED ME but I already have tickets to go to the midnight screening on Thurs night, and I know my friends would be pissed off if I bailed. Plus it'd cost about 33 quid to get to London and back, and I don't know if Harry Potter is worth THAT in my poverished state.

Speaking of, it's about to get a whole lot worse. My loan details came in for next year and it's going to be a POOR year. If I don't get a job I won't survive - something I wanted to avoid seeing as I'm doing so much around my course. I'm going to have to make all sorts of economic cutbacks, including not buying magazines (booo) and not going to dance classes (bigger boooo!) This also means no gym membership either. God knows where my exercise is going to come from. And I expect I'll hardly ever go out. Uni's about to get a whole lot more rubbish... can't wait.

Doesn't make me feel any easier that I spent a lot of time looking for a job last year and didn't find one. Ooer.

Oh dear! Maybe I can wait a bit longer til September after all...

Q x

Happyyyy

So the London glossy mag experience was AMAZING. I've always known that I wanted to go into publishing/the media, but I'm even more passionate about it more now. It was my scene. I felt like I belonged and I was with common-minded people. And it was fun and gossipy! Can't complain.

Because of all that, I'm feeling super happy right now. I'm feeling much happier with work, I'm excited for the rest of Summer, I'm looking forward to my next year at uni... it's all going well. I'm not super thin, but I'm ok with that right now. I've got so much to concentrate on, I'll be overwhelmed if I force myself to concentrate on my weight as well!

Ricky hasn't even been tempting me, and I feel happy about that too.

Wooopeee!

I'm going out tomorrow night - the first time I've been out in AGES. Over a month, I think. I am, for the first time, attempting fake tan. Not permanent fake tan, but this wash-off stuff - in fact, I think it's called shimmer. It's not even really tan. Which is good, as it's meant to rain tomorrow and I don't want it all to run down my legs and look horrendous. If there's one thing I find physically disgusting on girls, it's streaky fake tan. Pet peeve.

I am brown already (I'm mixed-race) but I'm just a little tired of looking pasty in photos. Flash really bleaches me out and I want to glow a bit! So I'm taking the plunge. I'm not even sure whether to wear heels or not as I went to London in new wedges and after a day of walking around, my feet have been TORTURED. It seems cruel to put them through pain again... but it might have to happen for the sake of looking good! I'll give them a good massage tonight...

Ha, remember I told you ages ago about that boy I fancied, E? And I'm not sure if he has a girlfriend or not? I was lunching with M yesterday and she said 'I'm pretty sure he does. I saw him with a girl in the library. She was UGLY though.' and I said 'aw, why! He's so pretty! Oh, E, get rid of Ugly Girl and go out with ME!' and M went 'aw! You'd make such a cute couple.'

YES. YES WE WOULD. :(

God dammit, I NEED to find out if he has a girlfriend or not. And going with a girl to the library doesn't seem boyfriend/girlfriend stuff to me. Unless they were snuggling in there? But if she's ugly... he's so attractive! God dammit. And I've always assumed it was a girlfriend from home. I would've thought it'd be far more obvious if it's a girlfriend at uni.

Sorry, sorry, this is boring stuff. Enough of it all, I say!

See yaaa,

Q x

P.S. Little Miss Thin - Dirty Sexy Things is on E4, if you live in the UK. Mondays at 10. If not, I'm pretty sure it'll be on the internet somewhere. Full episodes are broadcasted on 4OD, though I don't know if that caters for outside the UK. If it doesn't, a quick Google search could find you a good link.

Model behaviour

So there's a new show on, called Dirty Sexy Things, about a famous photographer (Perou or someone) handpicking 8 models and making them do crazy crazy shoots for an exhibition. Sort of like Britain's Next Top Model but with no competitive edge. And you get much more of an insight into the models' lives, like all their partying and sexuality and all that. Oh my god, THINSPO GALORE. They're all soooo hot. And soooo skinny. And the men are beefcakes. There's this one girl called Charlotte, who I just want to BE. She's got an absolutely beautiful face, so photogenic, and so tiny. That and she's super comfortable just strutting around naked, which some of the others aren't. Which I find a really attractive quality in people, no matter what they look like; even if I don't have it myself! Ah well, fake it til you make it. I'm determined to strut around in my underwear in my girls' house next year. Which could be an error as one of my friends just recently got a boyfriend and if he suddenly pops up, he's in for a shock! But ah well. Should be more of an incentive to get skinnier, too. There's another guy in the show who has the route I've heard of more than once: was fat -> got skinny -> got too skinny and got anorexic -> got out of that and became a model. It almost seems like publicising that is a bad message. Like girls will read that and go 'ok, I need to be anorexic, then pull myself out of it and get a teeny bit more flesh on me and THEN I'll have the right body to be a model'. Hmm.

If you're into those model type shows, like BNTM, or ANTM or what, you should watch this on TV/find it on the internet. It's probably better than all those shows actually because it's real, and grungy. And you will see sex (probably) and binge-drinking and attractive English people in their pants. And by pants I mean underwear. In case that sounded like a disappointment.

I feel weirdly competitive with M at the moment as she says she's aiming for a first next year. We got our results recently and although I don't know my average (still got an exam to sit), she says hers is 66.8. Which is GOOD. Better than I can get. And I feel like... if she's gonna be smarter than me, work harder, fair enough (as I'm too busy with Dance/uni paper/Student Union stuff to be physically able to get a first), but I want to prove myself too. So I want to be better looking? Oh my gaawd I'm such a bitch. I've done this game all too often. I'm so self obsessed! I can't stand people triumphing over me. SHUT UP Q. Be happy with your friends and be happy with yourself.

I'm still gonna try, though. Doh.

For those of you unfamiliar with British uni grades, we don't really have As and Bs and Cs and all that (not at most unis, anyway) but you've got your grade rankings: third, 2:2, 2:1 and first. It goes by your score in exams and things - I think it's out of 100. Any less than 40 and you fail. 40 - 49 is a third, 50 - 59 is a 2:2, 60 - 69 is a 2:1, and 70 + is a first. No-one ever ever gets above 80. Like, it's physically impossible. Even if you write the best paper in the WORLD, you won't get above 80. I don't know why they bother even saying it's out of 100. Formality, I suppose. You get a mark for every separate assessment you do and it averages out to one overall mark.

Most people (the ones who are bothered to work at uni and are smart enough to go) get on average 2:2 or 2:1. If you really work hard at essays, you should end up with a 2:1. I work hard at my essays. With some subjects, it's kind of impossible to get a 1st unless you're so good you shouldn't even still be in education any more, you should already have your PHD. I'd say English at my uni is one of those subjects. So I'm always happy to get 2:1s; the higher the better. Some subjects, they throw firsts out like sweets. It really does depend. But that's why I know it's physically impossible for me to get a first - if I wanted a first in English, I'd have to do literally NOTHING outside of my course. I'd have to spend any free time I had outside of lectures studying. And who wants that life??

But yeah. Explanation over.

I'm going into London to the glossy mag tomorrow and I'm super super nervous. I'm having full-on body prep tonight - I want to impress the editors and I know there will be pictures taken (which people across the country may see, argh) so I want to look my best. I've worked hard at growing my nails and not biting the skin on my fingers for a week now so I can look manicured and polished. Will it pay off? Who knows.

I just wish I was skinnier for it. I get so depressed when you hear middle-aged women talking about the amazing bodies they had when they were teenagers/20-year-olds. I'm supposed to have the best body of my life right now and I don't even have a good body! And yet this is the one I will pine for in 20 years or so... I shudder to think!

Enough of all this then. Over and out,

Q x

Let's go Fast-er

Happy Independence Day my Americanos. Happy Monday, my Brit chums. Yeah, bit of a difference in celebration, eh?

Back to work and it's all crrrazy again. Had a mahoosive breakfast today to get me through it. Well, not mahoosive, but big for me - a little bowl of cereal and a bagel. I normally have one or the other but this helped me last the morning when I actually need blood sugar (as opposed to sitting around at home...)

Was reading some mags at work and they had all these 'ooh! How to lose weight without even dieting or anything!' tips and one of them was to have one fast day a month. Apparently this is just generally good for your body, so it can boost your metabolism and clear up all the gunk and all that. And people who do it supposedly lose 5lb a month or something crazy like that. So I'm def giving that a go when I get back to uni! I HATE fasting but I could do it for one day. Something where I won't need any blood sugar for the day, like a Sunday. Definitely a Sunday. The first Sunday of the month? Yeah. Gets the month off to a positive weight-loss start.

Wimbledon's ooover and I was actually gutted at first that Nadal didn't win, as I love him, but I realised afterwards it was better that Djokovic won as he'd never won before so that was like a dream day for him. I think I cried while watching it. I am crying at everything at the moment?? I cried at Beyonce's Glastonbury performance when she sang Halo. I cry at ADVERTS. I am a crier! Good and proper.

Bit embarrassing when my parents walk in and are like 'what's wrong??' and I'm in absolute floods going 'Beyonce! It's just... so emotional!'

Criiiinge!

Love as always,

Q x

Busy bee

<< This is probably one of my favourite Thinspo pics. I'd KILL for that figure.

I'm sorry I haven't posted a lot as of late - I've been madly busy. The new 2-week job is knocking me off my feet, and I've had so much on my mind, including a HUGE step towards my career in journalism (I won't be specific, but next week I'm attending a features meeting at one of the biggest glossy magazines in the country, bang in the middle of London!)

I've been steadying myself with the workout DVDs, but I don't think I'm losing because I'm still eating too much. I'm not gaining, though, which is ok - at least, I THINK I'm not (I haven't gone near Rick since the 11 stone scare.) I went clothes shopping yesterday, though, and got a playsuit that I look pretty skinny in, and I'm still comfortable in size 10, so I'm staying hopeful.

This morning I was going through my Facebook and detagging pics (I'm tagged in nearly 3000 because of all the photo-whoring at uni and that just seems a bit sad.) I went right from the earliest pic of me and all the way through to today. My god, my weight shifts a lot. It's subtle, but obvious to me. Before uni, I was so SKINNY. I must've never realised it. Clothes look good on me! I wish wish wish I looked like that still. Going through uni, it got gradually more depressing, peaking right before Summer 2010 - my 10 stone 4 phase! I cringed at all those photos. Then it got a bit promising again, in September 2011, but now, it's just a bit sad. I also seem to have got gradually less pretty in the face, though I'm not sure why that is. Maybe I wore more make-up back in the day.

I've got a bit of a new mantra for my third year at uni, though. I'm going to be classier. And much more confident. I have a weird thing where I hate bumping into people into the street and feel all awkward. New resolution - get over that! Smile and greet people and NOT BE AWKWARD. Always wear nice outfits. Never be seen or photographed in a bad outfit outside of my house. And just be nicer! In first year I was known as this girl who was ridiculously nice. And I mean, I'm still very nice to people, but I think it's been fading a bit due to the stress of second year. Smile more! Smile ALL THE TIME. I have an Irish friend who just has a permanent smile fixed on his face and I've always admired that. Make people happy just by seeing them. I think that'll be easier as I'm living in such a small house next year, so when I run into the boys I live with, they won't take me for granted, because it's not like they see me all the time any more.

I know you're sick of hearing about my regular fix-up resolutions, but I need to give myself a goal. Next year is going to be MY year at uni!

I've moved out of my uni house now. I can't wait to move into my new one.

Oh! I believe I MAY have found the cure to the constant chewing of the skin on my fingers! Would you believe, the answer lies in moisturising cream. My cousin (who does it too) recommended it; she said with less dry skin to pick at, you won't pick and pull skin loose as much. My mum got me a little tube from Tesco (it's got stuff in it that helps skin heal, too) and it's worked a treat. Every time I start picking, I go and moisturize my hands and I stop. I think it's partly psychological too, but whatev, it works. I carry it with me wherever I go.

Wahey, life!

Q x